What I'm Not Going to Write Today

If I were to write today what's really working its way through my mind, or what my days have often consisted of recently, I'd probably say things like

mental shutdown
numb
uneasy moments
fogginess (i forget, i lose, i struggle)
this is back, isn't it? *shit*
depression
agonizing
hours lost in front of movies, staring at single magazine page, computer screen
trying to self-diagnose
thyroid?
childhood head trauma residual effect? (oh, the research!)
plain old mental snafu?
anxiety
emotional stab wounds from people i've trusted
husband diagnosed with chronic illness (births fears i never felt before)
finances = SUCK
this year is the year of The Suck
i'm not as steady as i should be
hate it appearing to be my choice
as if it's some emotional "game"
i could snap out of
really don't want to talk about it
tired of being in idle
not managing to move right or left
coffee beans and puppy tongues are bright spots
why the hell am i still doing this at 32?
angry yet sad
embarrassed
(online) peers seem to have moved beyond into semblance of adulthood
why would i be back here again?
sigh
dammit

...but since I don't really want to go into that (and because I still have happy and perfectly normal moments and don't want to be The Depressed She-Blogger), I'll post a photo of something happy and cute. Like a puppy. My puppy. Ricky. And how we greeted trick-or-treaters the other night:

(MOOO.)

technorati tags: NaBloPoMo

Comments

[Backpacking Dad]

Yes.

Those days.

[Shawnte]

Why, if I didn't know better, 95% could have been written by me.

[Brianne]

Aww! So cute puppy! And the photo is freaking me out a little bit because the look on your face reminds me of the Osmet kids. I hope you get to do some un-ordinary things soon, doing something that doesn't fit into the usual "rut" can help with mood.

[Dawn]

I am always amazed by puppies that will wear costumes. My dog would have never tolerated it. Would have driven him around the bend until he got it off & destroyed it. Those goofy bandanas the groomer woulf put on him though? He paraded around like he was all that.

By the way, I love the color of your dining room (or dining area, whichever) walls behind you!

[liz]

i know these sorts of days well.