Sarcomical

Half-Week Haiku 35: Flicks, Holiday Department

To help get myself out of the "Mythanksgivingwascrapandchristmasisbarrellingtowardmebutistillfeelshitty" Blues, I'm trying to get into the holiday mood. For me, a good Christmas movie can make any ASSissific day better. One of my favorite Christmas movies of ALL time is "It's a Wonderful Life". Something about that George Bailey makes me all weak-kneed (don't judge me). So, the haiku this week is to share YOUR favorite Christmas movie with me. I'll go first:

clarence helped save him
whiny girl with that bell line
crushing on george bailey

Oh, p.s. - the Angry Alien Bunnies people have Made. My. Day. I wouldn't doubt it'll get even you - hey you there, with the scowl and feeling as UN-into being nice to people today as I am - it'll even make you crack a demi-smile.

Half-Week Haiku 34: Child-Like Wish

My neice turned 3 on Tuesday. We had a party for her this weekend. Basically...it was Dora-fest. Dora plates, Dora napkins, Dora cake, Dora gifts, Dora party bracelets, Dora movie-watching, Dora decorations, "Dora Pizza!" (which was the only way to get her convinced to eat lasagna), etc.

She's so cute, though.

This is my favorite picture from that day, because she took it herself.

The haiku this week? What was your most wished-for gift as a child?
I'll go first:
who knows what comes out
light bulb baking at its best
easybake, baby

Half-Week Haiku 33: Comfort Food

Married 7 years, and I have finally gotten a damned crockpot. I guess now I am fully domesticated.

You have to understand that I have had longing, lustful thoughts about my ideal comfort food for the past 7 years: roast with potatoes and carrots. Something about it just makes me giddy and warm inside. I am such a LARGE TREMENDOUS DORK that I had to call. my. mother. to let her know "Guess what I'm eating right now?!? Guess what I made?!?" When I think about my childhood and which meal I got excited about having during the cold weather, THAT was it. How sophisticated is THIS HERE palate, eh?

So, what is YOUR idea of comfort food? Haiku me, baby.
I'll go first:
mushy veg'tables
smell wafts through the house all day
warm roasted comfort

Half-Week Haiku 32: Mad Mascots

You thought I forgot about you, didn't you? But I am too much in love with you to leave you hanging, my Friends of Internet Hotness. Today's haiku is pretty much going to take some of you back farther in the realms of your pasts than you wish to travel, but here it is:

Tell me about your high school mascot. Um, here was mine.
...No, LITERALLY, this was mine. I got this image from the school's site. Yep, big scary bulldogs. Ruff. See, high school mascots (well, mascots in general) are very rarely fine specimens of unbeatable superiority. You could really pick any of these mongrels to bits without even barely tapping your full sarcastic resources (and I KNOW you've got them because you're ALL mean and cold inside - ha!).
I'll go first...

Bulldog:
gonna kick your ass
oh wait have to lick my balls
and then lick your face

What was YOURS?

Half-Week Haiku 31: Not Brave

When I was a little girl, I used to be afraid that there were people watching me through my bedroom windows at night. I was absolutely CONVINCED that if I did not tuck the covers underneath me on all sides, and make them very puffy on top of me, that someone would come and stab me in the middle of the night and I would die because I did not have proper blanket padding between myself and the sharp instrument. And I always knew where my metal baton (you know, the twirling kind?) was in my closet in case I heard someone in the house and needed to protect my parents and sister by coming to the rescue and bludgeoning the intruder unconscious with it.

*cough* You could say I had a slight fear of the dark for a time as a child. For this week's haiku, tell me about YOUR childhood fear. I'll go first:

keep all limbs up here
creature under bed awaits
drop them and you're toast

Now you.

P.S. Gilmore Girls is sucking HUGE ASS and is on my naughty list because they promised some huge shocking secret to be revealed and all that happened was big fat NOTHING. The husband said, "Maybe the shocking surprise was that she got a Birken Bag?" That just made me laugh, out of frustration AND humor. DAMN YOU stupid show that is supposed to make me feel happy and carefree and is instead inciting my wrath. DAMN YOU.

P.P.S. To this day I can NOT go to sleep unless the blankets are tucked under me on all sides.

Half-Week Haiku 30: Yep, You Got It, I Feel Like Crap

Just HOW sick I am is still in question, but I definitely feel crappy tonight. Yay me. Big freakin' hairy disgusting goddam Yay. A little bit feverish, very tired, and plain old yech. The lumpy throat? Now verging on scratchy and pissing me the hell off. Pretty sure I'll feel better by tomorrow, but right now I just want some soup and a blanket and Gilmore Girls. AHA! Gilmore Girls just might do the trick. Well, that and a shot of vodka (hey, my hot Russian sis-in-law says it kills the germs dead, so shut up). Oh, and if my husband would COME HOME FROM WORK ALREADY DAMMIT AND TAKE CARE OF ME LIKE THE PITIFUL LITTLE GIRL THAT I AM! *sigh*

On the up side, I looked really good at work today.

I'm trying to be entertaining here while not at my best, so hey, JUST DEAL. Some of you've asked to see my new hair color (L'Oreal Couleur Experte in Caramel Glaze), so here you go. Please ignore the a.) Cheesy GlamourShots Pose, but you know, if I've got control of the camera I'm going to try to look cute dammit and b.) the shiny-ness of my face, ick. Anyway, I like it. It looks a bit more reddish because of the flash, but it was really cloudy today so hey suck it up. Just kidding. I'm sick. Did I tell you? Be nice to me.

So...I have to go watch Rory and Lorelai NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER SOME MORE. And also, get a blanket. Oh, yeah that Haiku thingy. Here's what I'd like you to do for this week: Haiku how YOU revert to child-like behavior when you're not feeling well. What do I mean? Allow me to demonstrate:

whimpering vocals
blanket and fuzzy slippers
"honey, i can't reach"

Half-Week Haiku 29: Shifting

Not feeling so much ironic today as philosophical (oh crap, way to ruin your Wednesday!), so tell me how you feel about this shift in seasons. What do you sense, smell? What do you love about fall approaching...or what makes you sad about summer ending? How can you put into words your personal experience as things begin to change this time of year?

I'll go first:
warm days, cool crisp nights
earth and plants take a fresh breath
i feel awakened

Half-Week Haiku 28: Big'uns

So...you tell me. We saw each of the following items one right after the other in the toy department at Wal-Mart. THE TOY DEPARTMENT. Do you think there's anything wrong going on here? I'm just saying.


For this week's haiku, let's talk about our own weaknesses with food that is, shall we say, Tasty On the Tongue but Trouble On the Trunk? I'll go first:
i can walk past cake
donuts do not make me weak
but salt, oh sweet salt

...Haiku it Hottt Stuff.

(*p.s. As an aside...I just want to thank everyone for your kind words on yesterday's post. I appreciate that everyone seems to understand that I don't want any judging going on within this site - not of myself but of other commentors. I am so glad everyone seems to respect each other here. Thank you for that. And if I can say anything else, it is that empathy and compassion are the greatest acts we can commit on each other. I knew I could count on you for that, but most importantly I hope you can practice them on someone else you come across at their unspoken moment of weakness and need.)

Half-Week Haiku 27: Slumber

A few minutes ago I was in an extremely uncomfortable position. Literally. And no, it wasn't like that so clean it up, kids. When I'm on the computer, sometimes I procrastinate peeing. Like, I wait and I wait because I am so engrossed in something that I...can't...walk...away. So, I had the puppy on my lap. Taking a sweet little nap. Aaaand I had my left leg crossed, ankle over the right knee. Suddenly, I had to pee like no tomorrow. I had been completely, obliviously unaware of it because obviously something on the internet had hypnotized me. I went to move....and oh shit that ankle is so totally asleep. No, not just the ankle, it's all the way up to the knee. Oh crap. And this was an INTENSE sleep, the kind that if you breathe wrong you want to cry until it passes. Those tingly needles that ARE SURELY GOING TO KILL YOU WITH THE MERCILESS STABBING OF MANY MANY MERCILESS POKES THAT ARE OF THE DEVIL. But I really, REALLY had to pee. Umm, sort of potentially a pee my pants issue if I didn't get to the bathroom NOW. And all the while Lucy is laying on my lap looking up at me going "What, you can't let me sleep you loud, annoying and persistently stupid human? Why are you moving?" Meantime, I am trying very hard to concentrate as I am dealing with both the pain of the prickly sleep of death and the bladder implosion that is about to take place. Slow, deep breaths. CONCENTRATE, DAMMIT! FOCUS! PEE OR PAIN, PEE OR PAIN?!? I wanted to get up and run to the bathroom, but as you know this was out of the question. I involuntarily began jiggling, and OH MY GOD.

I did not pee my pants and my leg did wake up and the puppy is back on my lap after yelling at me. Oh, you don't remember that she does THIS?

So anyway, why don't you try your hand at creatively describing the limbs-falling-asleep thing per your own experience? I'll go first:

one morning i woke
both arms flappy and useless
freaked out i admit

OR...
don't touch me at all
don't come close don't move YOU ASS
closer and i'll scream

Half-Week Haiku 25: In-Law Psychosis

Okay, so you want a Half-Week Haiku? Here's one that most of you should be able to relate to. And if not, slap your own ass and call yourself lucky.

hubby's dad smokes packs
and packs and packs this weekend
yep, all at my house

OR
same guy turns tv
every goddam moment to
classical music

what is this crap dear?
oh daddy wants his music?
fuck that - seinfeld NOW

OR
mom-in-law selling
deal breaks when buyer checks crime
she bitches out cops

Now...you go to town.

Half-Week Haiku 24: Like, Totally and, Um, Does This Belt Go With This Boobshirt?

So we went to see Jack Johnson in concert Monday night.

It was kind of cool - he's a great artist, but I think he said a total of 10 words the entire time (we decided to jet out right before the last song before the encore). I'm talking, song after song after song with no breaks in between at all...which was fine I guess since his opening acts took up the first 2 hours of the show...meh.

I would have loved to see a bit more personality come through...but I suppose if we'd been as HIGH as the hundreds of 14-year-olds who were rolling joints and smoking bongs all around us, we'd have probably been just as excited about it all as they were. And MY GOD, were they ever fucking cool. With their little jeanskirts up to their crotches, glittery eyeliner, and the guys with their striped boxers hiked practically up to their nipples so people could see them sticking out of their jeans. Wow, Internet, I am so very jealous. Jealous indeed of being naive, fashion-blind, insecure, obnoxious, sneaky, and unable to go to the mall without my parents.

For this week's haiku then, tell me Internet Darlings: What embarrassing or unpleasant part of YOUR youth would you not want to re-live? I'll go first:
permed bangs haunt me still
a wall of hair sprayed lifeless
how high can they go?

OR...
perils of dating
a girl breaks up with a boy
his kiss is dog-like

Half-Week Haiku 23: For the Love of God...We NEED to Move

So Monday night my husband, being the awesome dynamo of manly manliness that he is, was taking out the garbage and headed from the kitchen to the garage door. I, being the superiorly dedicated domestic goddess creature that I am, was busy heating something up in the microwave. I heard my husband open the door, then quickly mumble "shit" under his breath as he turned and walked back in. For some reason, this wasn't that odd to me.

But then I felt him standing there quietly in the kitchen looking at me, bag still in hand, and I looked up.

"I'm not going in there", he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there. is. a. BIRD. out there."

"No way. Seriously, what?" (He was saying it so strangely that I thought it was some ploy to get me to look at something in the garage.)

"No. I'm serious. There's a goddam bird in there."

So I went and cracked the door to look into the garage. And sure enough, there right in front of my face, on TOP OF THE DAMNED GARBAGE BIN THAT WE KEEP NEAR THE DOOR, was this:

I shit you not.

Ladies and gents, I took this picture through a crack in the door about 1 1/2 inches wide. And it kept STARING at me with its beady CRAZY-EYES and devising plans to eat me. It started fluffing itself out and puffing up to triple its size, and contorting its head all goddamned sideways to leer at me - fucking bully was trying to make me cry, I just KNOW it. My husband kept freaking out and saying "Close it! Close it! It's going to fly in - IT'S GOING TO FLY IN!" Finally, he went around the outside of the garage and opened it with the keypad so the bird would fly away.

But I ask you, would you not pee your pants? I think our bird problems have been well-documented. We think this was one of those babies. We are being emotionally terrorized by these germ-infested feathered bastards.

So, tell me OH INTERNET...what the hell do you think about nature hatching a plan to come after our asses? Have you been confronted by a nasty creature? Haiku it for me if you're extra ambitious. Here's mine:

pointy beak of death
beady eyes black pools of hate
he wants to eat me

Half-Week Haiku 22: Men May Get Uncomfortable

Come one, come all! Take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to come see the Amazing Cramp Lady! She moans! She bloats! She even gets uncomfortable gassy sensations! If you have sensitive souls, you may not want to get too close! She is quite likely to rip you a new one AND eat your children if you come without some Midol. It just doesn't get any scarier than this, folks!

Any clue what this week's Haiku is about? heh. Men can jump in on this one too if they're WOMAN enough...I'm sure you've been around some beautiful lady and experienced this glorious cycle of life before...what kind of bullshit IS this? Are we being punished for being the cuter sex? I personally believe that most men would THINK THEY WERE DYING if they had to get through ONE HOUR of "mild cramps". Seriously, a guy would probably want to pull out his uterus and throw it at the nearest man just as much as I do right now.

I'll start:
covers over head
curl into ball like a snail
when is menopause?

OR
midol makes me beam
except the one with caffeine
then i want to scream

Half-Week Haiku 21: Appreciate Them, Big and Small

This morning I could have lost both of my grandparents.

They were one intersection away from home on a country road, when someone at the crossing stop sign continued because he didn't see them coming. They were sideswiped, rolled into the nearby ditch, and thankfully there were people there (including the young man who hit them) to help get them out and call the paramedics.

I know, not funny, right?

When I heard about it at around 12:45 today, I thought instantly: "What do I do if they're both gone?"...it's a spontaneous feeling, isn't it? When you hear that someone you love is in trouble? And it's horrible. Knocks the wind out of you for a moment...or longer...

So for this week's haiku, I'm just not feeling as sarcastic as usual. Contemplative maybe, and a little bit grateful...because they are okay, somehow managing to get out with only some bumps and scrapes for my grandma (and a fractured heel from her slamming the brake pedal), and a broken rib for my grandpa, but no other major injuries to speak of. And you see, my grandparents aren't what I'd consider "typical" for someone my age...they're pretty young (70 and just under) and they've always been "young" to me. So in my mind, they should stick around to see my kids (whenever the hell THAT happens *coughnevercough*), you know?

I guess that's part of the human condition...to go into a lull of naiveté about how impermanent everything really is - at least in this world. So it takes something jarring to bring your tiny human brain back to understanding the hugeness of that idea. And that is why this week the haiku subject is this: What in your life are you appreciating today?

As usual, I'll start -
husband, dogs, and cat
i'll take them, rank smells and all
the hugs are worth it

OR...
simplest thing, really
evening tv on the couch
while the dryer hums

Half-Week Haiku 20: Just Kill Me Now

So does anyone have tips for quitting your job with style? You know, like George when he tried to get fired from the Yankees. Yeah, today was one of those days. I'm definitely itching to move on soon...

Let's just say I was actually thinking about getting on my knees and kissing - not just kissing - LICKING, with disgusting noises and even some heavy petting - the printer today for having its usual 'mechanical problems' (i.e., "print job needs resources"..."fuser warming up"..."please put paper in tray 2") simply because it KILLED 15 MINUTES OF THE LAST HALF HOUR OF WORK HELL today. Bless you, printer.

*sigh* So the haiku for this week is this: What person/piece of equipment/other evil aspect is the bane of your existence at work?

I obviously could go many ways with this. I'll do one to start...
if smiling i'm not
people stop and ask what's wrong
bite me, now move on

OR...
table in kitchen
stocked with evil concoctions
plot to keep me fat

Now you!

Half-Week Haiku 19: Fears and Phobias

In honor of the horrid display of wildlife outside my front door, as documented in the last post, I'm calling on you to dredge up your deep-seeded fears and phobias for our haiku-ing pleasure. See, if I were my husband, I'd probably write something like:
eight legged devils...
nightmares of webs spinning death
make me crap my pants

...and for myself? Well, see, I have LOTS to pick from. But let's just go with, say...
i don't trust this thing
reach out, deep breath and hold tight
screw escalators

OR...
hysterical tears
i just know this bridge will plunge
close my eyes and hum