Sarcomical

Half-Week Haiku 18: Uhh-Oh...

Today while I was getting my puppy a replacement for her FAVORITE OH MY GOD THE HOLY GRAIL OF HER LITTLE DOGGY LIFE, HER PUPPYCRACK toy (the other one was peed on accidentally damaged last week), I glanced over at the little tag-making kiosk they have in Petco, and something the woman was typing in on the screen caught my eye: Frodo. That's right...this chick has a dog named Frodo.

...Now I'm not judging or anything, but wouldn't a dog named Frodo creep you the hell out just a little bit? She didn't have the dog with her, so I just couldn't help but picture a little brown Benji-esque dog trotting around with very large human hairy feet. And a very moppish head.

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Umm...I'm getting an itch, my little friends.

Good LORD pervies, not that kind of an itch...an itch to change my haircolor again. Yes, again, so what, you don't have any vices? Shut up. Unless, that is, you actually want to offer up something helpful, like AHEM suggestions? You know, I've pretty much been every basic shade now, so throw me some original and NOT UGLY ideas. You can always go HERE or HERE and do the work for me by finding something that won't turn me green over this red-over another red-over brown stuff I'm rockin'.

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So...yeah...a Haiku for this week. This is what I'm thinking: In addition to me putting your asses to work on the whole HAIRCOLOR SCHIZOPHRENIA issue I've got (if you're brave enough to risk possible judgement and online berating for your poor choices), for the Haiku portion of this segment, why don't you tell me what YOU'VE had an itch to do this week that you just can't shake.

Don't have a Haiku? That's fine! We all love you and support your lack of imagination and ingenuity. We embrace it, even. SUH-LACKER! It's okay. Come get a hug. (hug) Ew. That was gross. Putting the hug in parenthesis, I mean. The actual hug was kind of hot, wasn't it?

Oh, here's mine:
thinking of dyeing
obsession or healthy change?
if it falls out, quit.

Now you.

Half-Week Haiku 17: Prepare to Back Away Slowly...

Things I Probably Would Not Want to Tell You If I Thought We'd Ever Actually Meet BUT...Since We're Just Internet Friends For Now I Figure What the Hell, I Might as Well Show You the DARK SIDE (or, in other words - TIPWNWTTYIITWEAMBSWJIFFNIFWTHIMAWSYTDS):

-I don't like to touch my lips on utensils OR on food whenever it can be avoided, so when I have to take a bite of something I use my tongue and teeth to take off the food. (*insert fake leprechaun-ish accent for no good reason* Oh, but I do it slyly my friends, so you probably wouldn't catch me even if you could see me.)
-I often spill water on myself when trying to drink from a SIMPLE. GLASS. It just misses somehow, don't ask me why.
-A long time ago when my husband and I were brain dead immature idiots, I crazily grabbed each of the framed pictures of us in the house when we were fighting and threw them onto the floor, leaving glass everywhere. (Thinking that I was dramatically proving my point, of course. Relaaaaax, our relationship is NOTHING like that now.)
-I will stop and watch Bugs Bunny while channel surfing.
-I once stole a pad of sticky notes with little penguins on it as a child and was so ashamed that I never used it; I just stuck it in my desk drawer, but didn't throw it out until I was in Jr. High.
-I could never spell 'Michael' until my sister decided to name her son Michael and screw me, and I was then 22. I could never figure out whether the 'a' or the 'e' went first. She had to explain to me "think of the alphabet...a comes before e...". I catch myself repeating that STUPID DAMNED trick each. and. every. time I spell the name, even if only for a split second. Me smart. Me spell purdy.
-I'll take the rest of my makeup off (MOST of the time) at night, but I'll leave mascara on for days and days, and just keep putting it on.
-When I chew something hard, my jaw pops.
-The Lion King made me cry. HARD.
-I shave about as NOT often as humanly bearable.
-I chew the inside of my cheek when I'm fidgety.
-I slept with a stuffed dog through High School (I know, I want to punch myself for that one).

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Oh, and the Half-Week Haiku for this week?

Tell me one or more of your quirks in the good old 5-7-5. (If you can't get your brain to work that hard in the middle of the week, don't feel bad. Just leave a regular comment telling us why we should be glad not to have met you yet.) Have Fun!

Half-Week Haiku 16: Errant Hair Haiku

One day, I was out with my husband, and I noticed this horrifyingly long hair staring me right in the face. (*click pic to get full Fright Effect) I of course had to take a picture and share the pain with all of you. And now, to even further shame my husband into better grooming practices, we shall haiku The Day the Hair Almost Ate Me. I will start:

spiralling at me
mommy i'm scared what is it?
looks like a pube, dear

Okay, that was a little crude. So here's a nicer one:

too tired to shave
he thought it was sexy scruff
please, it's just nasty.

Now you.

Half-Week Haiku 15: Straight Up Now Haiku Me

It seems Ms. Tiaras are Awesome and So is My Cleavage Abdul has decided to avert attention from her supposed hot tryst with a VERY unattractive boy on American Idol by taking a stand against nail salons. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

However...

Let us Haiku this moment of sanitary enforcement. (You may need to click the link to the story to really get the point.) As always, I'll go first to get you started:

my thumb throbs at night
damn the steel tool-wielding bitch
my boobs will squish you

Halk-Week Haiku 14: Fishing

Meet my niece:
She can get her tongue further up her nose than anyone I've ever met.
And she's provided us with this week's subject. Give it a try.


why bother cooking?
gourmet is at my tongue-tip
voila! wanna share?

Half-Week Haiku 13: Haiku Dummy

This kid was sitting outside the Metropolitan Museum of Art as it was closing, with a suitcase to throw money into next to him and a sign that read: "Send Me to College".

Here's mine:
tell me great wood one
is this too much retarded?
yes, you whacknut, yes

Haiku him. Now.

Half-Week Haiku 12: NYC

This week's Half-Week Haiku comes to you from our many many many pictures from our trip to New York this weekend. I like to call this one: The Obvious Tourist.

*click to enlarge

As always, I'll go first...
how much is too much
better safe than sorry, true
thus i carry all

Now YOU go for it. Haiku away!

Half-Week Haiku 11: The Resurrection of Half-Week Haiku

For the resurrection of the Half-Week Haiku, I give you a special Pick-Your Favorite edition. Thaaaaat's right. You get THREE pics to choose from. And the subject? My birthday trip to the zoo. (Just because I'm a grown and very hot woman doesn't mean I don't enjoy the animals. The zoo is Hot.)
*click pics to enlarge for your haiku-writing enhancement

First, there is this:

...this:

...or finally this:

I shall start:

(picture 1)
it could be days yet
too daft to look for trainer
trapped under pink flab

(picture 2)
i sit in stillness
contemplating my caged state
alas! bird crap falls

(picture 3)
psst! hey there big boy
i bet you're lame-ass girlfriend
can't do this with hers

Half-Week Haiku 10: A Bodily Function

Oh no, I did not forget you today, loyal Haiku-sters. I delivered.

Following the lines of the recent post about strange Christmas gifts, here is a stocking stuffer we all got from my mother-in-law last year:

That is right folks, the damned thing poops chocolate balls.

Not to be outdone, my sweet little angel puppy Lucy, is scared shitless of the vacuum cleaner. I tried to tell you this before (see, "Things I am Confused About"). But perhaps you didn't quite believe me. As your bestest friend ever I feel obligated to let you know that I would never lie to you (unless of course it made me look much much cooler than I already am...) and so, here is the proof that's in the pudding...er...poop:

These were taken right after I vacuumed last.
Yes, she was ashamed and traumatized and shaking.
...Yes, I am the shittiest dog momma alive for posting these. But I scooped her up and told her I loved her after I captured it on camera. After flushing the poop down the toilet. Of course.

*Take your pick and haiku whatever inspires you. Go to it!

Half-Week Haiku 9: Vickie's Secret Isn't Such a Secret Anymore

Remember that new amazing outdoor mall I had a job at not too long ago? (Amazing aside from the fact that my job sucked ASS.) Well, there's a new and fancy Victoria's Secret there.

I think they're probably doing very well:

*click to enlarge
Come on...I just KNOW you've got something to say about these window sluts.
Slap down a 5-7-5 whether you hate them or love them. Ha!

Half Week Haiku 8: Christmas Gag

They're back.

The disgusting lawn ornaments. In all their glory.

I'm sorry, these are the best I could get today out my car window in the rain. Blech. Excuse me, I think I just threw up a little bit of Christmas balloon/cardboard-cutout Spirit.

Throw down a 5-7-5 on these babies:

*click to enlarge

Half-Week Haiku 7: A Little Late

I know. I know. I am a loser beyond all losers. No Haiku yesterday. *shame*

Here is something to satisfy your need to 5-7-5:

I am still working on getting pics of all the damned inflatable objects people have in their yards right now. Bah!

Half-Week Haiku 6: Various

I wanted to offer up some more variety for this week's haiku selections. Next week I hope to have some pictures of the LARGE INFLATABLE Thanksgiving decor that my dumbass neighbors have up now or something else more haiku-worthy. I've been getting myself used to my new schedule with work, which allows me a lot less time to focus on reading your blogs and keeping my entries hot. Heh.

Here are this week's haiku subjects. Grace me with your talent. GO!

Half-Week Haiku 5: Halloween

Okay, so my aversion to Halloween for multiple reasons is well-documented.

I dislike the decorations, the kids ringing my doorbell (I know, call me the Halloween Grinch), the sudden spew of disgusting orange-and-brown candy. But most of all I hate the stupid costumes. OH YES. I hate them.

Which is why it is with great unhappiness I am posting the following picture of myself in a STUPID Halloween parade I had to go to in my STUPID little town with the STUPID marching band in STUPID Junior High. I don't think I hated it too much then, because I was young and naive. Oh, gag, I can't believe I'm doing this...

...wait for it...

...

...wait for it...

...

BOOM:

I am the one on the right. *sob*
FYI: Do not allow this to convince you that I am in any way ANYTHING but incredibly, super cool and also very very hot. Heh. Keep in mind this was FIFTEEN years ago people! Just hurry up and Haiku it if you're going to, because I have to go look at really good pictures of myself (of which there are MANY, I tell you! they just aren't as funny, dammit) and then bury myself under the covers in embarrassment.

Half-Week Haiku 4: Santa

It's getting to be that time of year when us kids have to think about and plan that thing which maketh the mother-in-law so gleeful: The Santa Picture. It's a tradition; my husband and his brothers have had their picture taken every year since they were born. It's the only gift she really cares about at Christmas, so we have to haul our asses to the line every year to do it.

My sister-in-law is about to have a baby, and would love to end this madness before her child must be subjected to it. I don't blame her. Look at what runs in the family:

Yeah.

The first picture is the oldest, the second is her husband. Luckily, there are no pictures of MY husband crying, or it would be in there, too.

Let's haiku this moment, shall we?
Give me your 5-7-5, yo.

Half-Week Haiku 3

This week's subject is my all-time favorite picture of my nephew, taken about 5 years ago, on his birthday.

*click to enlarge

I'll start:

woe to the woman
who laughs when i stick my face
in the cake, damn you