Sarcomical

So so tired am I, so please to look at this photo of Ricky and sigh...

I do not think any cupcake requires this much icing. I do not.

We passed this cupcake place last week I had never seen before, and I had to at least peek inside to gaze on the case. I was surprised to see how much icing was on each of them, but I thought hey maybe it wouldn't be too bad. There weren't many tiny towers left, but I chose two with buttercream icing because I thought "ew, cream cheese frosting sounds so RICH". ha. ha. I knew. Deep down, I knew this would still be too much for me. While the cake was delicious, the icing beyond the bottom swirls went buh-bye. Fun to look at, scary to eat. Pretty Poison, baby.

Independent of Vanity

I've been spending some time on NieNie today...and if you have never been to Stephanie's blog, please take some time to visit and familiarize yourself with her unbelievably inspiring story. I always take a deep breath when I move my mouse over to the little tab with her blue typewriter icon on it (yes, I have the tab to her blog permanently up on my window), because I know that I am about to be humbled, amused, moved, and swept up in the beauty of her spirit.

I started reading Nie a few months before the 2008 plane accident she & her husband were in which caused burns on 80% of her body, so I had already fallen in love with her colorful world of handmade goodness, creativity, silly photographs, children cute enough to crumble the stodgiest character, and the sweet and deep love story between her and her husband. This young woman was a beauty by most any standards, and I like all of her followers became an adoring fan.

Since she was able to begin blogging for herself again (after months in a coma and then in therapy), we have all been able to see what a true beauty she is. She looks completely different, has had to come to terms with her new life, and has embraced it wholly and without bitterness. She stresses that she is "not her body", and exudes the same spirit of happiness, creativity, joy and gratefulness that she did prior to the accident.

I say all of this because...when I spend time reading her thoughts, seeing her daily photographs...I wonder

Could I do the same?

I am not sure. I would like to think that I could overcome the loss of my current physical self - that I could retain the sense of who I am - if that challenge was placed before me. I feel humbled (I use that word a lot in my head when I think about Stephanie) when I think about how fussy bangs can ruin my mood, or how not feeling like I fit into my jeans right can make me not want to see any human for days. It is vain. But it is there. I remember that Stephanie, before her accident, was excited because she had just grown out a haircut she thought was too short and was glad to be in a ponytail again. So...I think she gets it. I think you get it. We all have those moments, don't we? It is human.

But when I think about Stephanie now, I realize that the INTENSITY of importance I place on those things is what I must keep in check. I feel petty. I feel ashamed by my little obsessions. Things become distorted so easily. Things feel so, so, so crucial. But they are not, really.

Would I be able to feel beautiful if I no longer recognized myself? Would I be able to feel beautiful if something happened to change the way strangers saw me? Do I have the ability to take that lesson now while I am so fortunate and cultivate an inner self so lovely and strong that it is independent of vanity?

I don't know. I can only try.

p.s. Stephanie, you are stunning. xoxo

One-Word Sarcomical Sunday #19: It's Been a While

*If you're new here, this is how to play:

• After reading my answers, copy and paste the list into your comment.
• Change my one-word responses with yours (that's right - ONE word only).
• Submit your comment and do a little dance. Post your answers on your own blog, too if you feel so inclined. Do another dance, maybe with a funny hat.

1. Something you wish there was more of:  Tolerance
2. Something you wish there was less of:  Spiders
3. A breakfast food you loathe:  Grapefruit
4. A frequent subject of your bad dreams:  Searching
5. Something you like about November:  Bonfires
6. Your favorite place to pass time alone:  Bathtub
7. The last thing that made you cry:  Frustration
8. A personality trait you find annoying:  Arrogance
9. A personality trait you find endearing:  Soulfulness
10. The last thing you pretended to like but didn't:  Advice
11. The last author you were reading:  Livesey
12. Your favorite party game:  Taboo
13. The scenery you are drawn to most in nature:  Forests
14. Something you're not sure you could give up for a week:  Caffeine
15. An animal you wish you could keep as a pet:  Pig
16. Your favorite herb:  CILANTRO!
17. Your most recent amazing meal:  Ahi
18. A sound that drives you crazy:  Drip
19. A sound that calms you:  Laundry
20. What you want to accomplish tomorrow:  Prioritizing

1. Something you like about November:  Bonfires

Dear Man with the ONE CENT License Plate in Front of Us Today...

...I have so many questions for you.

1. Was this some sort of attempt at a humorous reference to hip-hop mogul 50 Cent?
2. Do you fancy yourself a rapper? If so, doesn't "ONE CENT" imply a pretty low level of awesomeness?
3. Did you enter a contest to buy your car for a penny?
4. Is "ONE CENT" in fact a very ill-chosen way to shorten "one century", as in the length of documented time the men in your family have been going bald?
5. Do you find that putting an ambiguous vanity plate on your car gets you all the attention from women you anticipated it would?
6. Did you fill out your form for this plate as part of a dare?
7. How old are you?

Sincerely,
Unimpressed

scenes from my living room on an evening...

historically nerdy

Here is the photo I've had as my laptop screen saver for the past month or so:

I love New York City, and I am a history freak. Give me a pile of old black & white photos of people I don't know or places I can fall in love with and I go all tunnel-vision until I've made my way through each story and every face. Since I was a child I could pore over old postcards, book inscriptions, photos, diaries for hours and hours. I am in love with the magic and tragedy and beauty and mystery of the past.

I found this photo going through a place of SEVERE time-suckage for me...and I risk endangering your valuable time if you suffer from the same addiction as I do, but here it is: the Library of Congress Prints & Photographs Online Catalog. Just type in any subject, and you'll get to browse through old photographs, sketches, architectural drawings, etc. endlessly. Sigh. Now you know a little bit more about how nerdy I am.

Good thing I didn't tell you about my obsession with the Civil War around ages 14-16 which involved a produced piece for the Junior High Communications tv programming and a visit with a high school teacher and two other students to the home of a collector with an entire building dedicated to his memorabilia. 

Good thing.

Etsy is killing me

Why oh why am I so in love with these bloomers? I don't know, but I can't help it. I can picture myself in these lounging in a light-filled corner with a book, browsing the farmer's market, sipping tea with a friend at a cafe table, OOH OOH WALKING THROUGH A TUSCAN VINEYARD. Okay, I get carried away, but you know what I mean. Some pretty things just get you excited.

Visit them if you love them, too, in NewExtrave's Etsy shop.

what we eat: p.s., i went wheat-free for three months

One of the things I never really wrote about was that I went almost 100% wheat-free for 3 months, from this past June through August. It wasn't because I thought I had a gluten allergy, but because I had researched that it may be possible for wheat to exacerbate the inflammation of endometriosis. As you may know, I underwent the laparoscopy to take care of that at the end of August, but I decided that I wanted to try an experiment for a few months prior to that to see if I noticed an alleviation of symptoms. But what everyone ELSE wanted to know when they found out I was doing this was either a) was I feeling more energetic? or b) was I losing a lot of weight?

The answer, after months of self-control in the face of desperate longing for a bite of a crusty baguette, ended up being: NEITHER.

It's not a very satisfying answer - and I wish I could tell you why - but my venture into the world of essentially gluten-free living resulted in not much at all in the way of tangible benefits, EXCEPT fortunately for the reduced pain I felt each month, which may have been worth it. I don't keep a scale, so I'm not sure if I lost any weight at all, but if I did it certainly wasn't dramatic enough for me to notice. I didn't feel lighter, more energetic or otherwise buoyed, but maybe those differences are something you'd only feel if you were affected by a gluten allergy. I generally eat quite healthy, so perhaps the fact that much of what I had available to me to eat was vegetables & fruit wasn't much of a change for my body. I don't know. I'd love to say I lost 15 pounds and felt amazing...but, meh.

It was incredibly hard, though, and all I kept thinking - what kept me going - was the fact that I WAS DOING THIS BY CHOICE. No doctor had told me to do this, no one was keeping me accountable for this, I was choosing each day to test my own willpower, and it was difficult...there were times I accidentally ate something that broke my plan (if you are looking, it is UNBELIEVABLE how much of our food contains wheat/gluten). But I can't imagine how much of a life adjustment it would be if I needed to do this in order to feel normal and healthy every single day, like it is for many people. Bravo to you, ladies and fellows, because those three months were an incredible challenge. Whole Foods was a lifesaver during that time, with the easy-to-spot labels for every single gluten-free item in the store. Very helpful.

Now I'm toying with incorporating more vegan meals into my diet for other reasons (health, ethics) and am hoping to get to a point where I am eating about 30% vegan, 60% vegetarian, 10% fish and organic local (when possible) lean meat. It certainly looks healthy, doesn't it? But I have to get more active about experimenting with greens and legumes, and I am definitely planning to dive into my very underused resource:

...Deborah Madison's Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone is one GIANT (752 pages!) book full of simple and unexpected ways to cook just about any vegetable you can think of. I plan to use it a lot in these next months, because I think it can help me take a little more ownership of the way food works for us in the SarcomHaus. Excited!

a music monday

Tonight I'm feeling kind of low-key and chill, so instead of a bit of writing, how about a bit of musical deliciousness? Enjoy...

my new favorite breakfast...(omg u can haz yum)

It's true what some say: uncomplicated food with minimal components can often be the most satisfying. It may not look like much, but these four simple ingredients stacked on top of each other are crazy, CRAZY good. So good that if I were a lesser woman the sheer act of the flavors co-mingling on my tongue may drive me to shed a single, blissful tear. Perhaps I exaggerate. ...No, I don't think so. For whatever reason, I get very excited by this:

1. whole grain English Muffins
2. crumbled feta cheese
3. poached eggs
4. Tabasco sauce
5. a fork with which to crack open the yolky magnificence onto the entire thing

Ohhhhh.....

Let me know if you try it.

Friends In My Head

 

Okay, in order for me to do this I have to admit that I've seen the Wendy Willams Show and have heard her use the phrase "friends in my head". So...let's just shake off the shame of that sentence and move on, shall we?

Ahem.

Anyway...when said flamboyant talk show hostess uses the phrase "friends in my head", she's referring to a celebrity who she imagines she would be fast friends with if they only knew each other. A frivolous game, yes, but one I think a lot of us play from time to time, don't we? Okay, maybe just a few of us, but hey, I'll admit to it. Yes, I like to think I have very selective "friends in my head" criteria, and on occasion there are a few celebrity-types who pique my interest enough to begin daydreaming about us bonding at Sephora and having heavy discussions over coffee and mocking men wearing white socks and watching The Daily Show together. Absolutely, there are a few people out there who I crush on enough to imagine us being besties (ew I hate that word). Here are some of those in no particular order:

Kate Walsh
endearing characteristics:  naturally funny with a tiny twist of snark, admitted & unabashed Cat Lady, could introduce me to her colorist and maybe Taye Diggs

 

 

 

 

 

Tim Gunn
endearing characteristics:  GET IN MY POCKET YOU DARLING MAN, super encouraging, would never let me leave the house in something ugly, could get my husband into more a good jacket

 

 

 

 

Bethenny Frankel
endearing characteristics: sarcasm up the wazoo, loves dogs, not a fan of BENSIMON!, could teach me some recipes, FREE SKINNYGIRL MARGARITAS

 

 

 

 

Steve Martin
endearing characteristics:  "ALL I NEED IS THIS CHAIR...", seriously intelligent & prolific, so cute, would not go to Sephora with me but would probably put on plays in the backyard or give me pointers on comedic timing or something

 

 

 

 

Lauren Graham
endearing characteristics: quick wit, running buddy, UM...LORELAI GILMORE ENOUGH SAID

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drew Barrymore
endearing characteristics: peace & love sweetheart, would fill my boho easy-breezy friend void, loves Beck, seems like a girl who would dig into a massive plate of nachos with me while watching black & white movies

 

 

 

 

 

So...who are some of your "friends in your head"?

nice try, Snow

We were gifted with our first snow today.

BLEH.

It was a wet, swirling, melty, barely-there snow that flirted with the rain and stuck its tongue out at Fall in lieu of an early eviction notice.

I don't like when the snow comes early.

Not only did we get our first snow, but while in Target tonight we were walking past the Christmas section (sigh, I can't) and thought, what if we went ahead and got our two boxes of cards now, so we don't have to worry about it later? Kind of gross, but I guess a good thing because we found some that were very Us and very Not Country Crafty/Cutesy and very Not Attempting to Convert through Correspondence, and there were only two boxes left. So. Done. But we did, however joke about buying a box of possibly the most glitter-covered cards I have EVER seen in my life (as in the entire front was a snowy bank with animals on it and you would probably inhale glitter upon opening) and give those to people we don't like. Think of it - glitter on their faces, glitter on their plates, glitter on their pets, glitter on their clothing 4 months later...but we were only joking of course.

All that fun aside, I do not think I am ready for winter. Stay away a few more weeks, you frozen windbag.

Dualities

I'm that person who is thinking you probably don't like me as much as you say you do.

I'm that person who has begun to realize that maybe YOU have that same insecurity about ME.

I'm that person who is suspicious that maybe the bottom will fall out of one. more. thing.

I'm that person who is learning the world desires good things for me.

I'm that person who can let a simple return phone call scare me off for days and days weeks.

I'm that person who...is working on it. (okay, they're not all so easy)

I'm that person who for years has often avoided eye contact with my reflection in public mirrors.

I'm that person who has grown more comfortable with imperfection...and also blaming bad lighting. 

I'm that person who thinks if the ceiling fan's on High, it might crash onto the bed while I'm asleep.

I'm that person who is figuring out how NOT to make choices in my life based on fear. (but not the ceiling fan, though...that's scary, I'm talking about "life" stuff...yeah)

I'm that person who thinks maybe avoiding human contact January through August wouldn't be that bad.

I'm that person who understands that while solitude can feed the soul, human bonds add the flavor.

 

I'm that person who is grateful for the room life gives us to grow from one extreme to the other.

Bastion or Bandit?

I'm not really sure why this elephant is clinging to the ceramic tree trunk housing this bamboo, but I guess I should thank him for holding it up for me. Or. Maybe he's trying to steal it. I don't know. Hmm...he does appear to be sidling away, doesn't he? Suspicious? Perhaps...

Sneaky elephant.

SPOTTED

We've recently become gym-goers again, facing the undeniable speed at which Old is careening toward us in a flabby, drooly rage, and I've noticed just what fertile people-watching ground the gym is. Just a few days ago, for instance - SPOTTED: woman answering her phone and having a perfectly relaxed conversation while running full-speed on the treadmill (how does one do this?). ALSO SPOTTED: pear-shaped man wearing black lycra leggings playing racquetball, tiny ankles scuttling about furiously (interesting choice, sir).

There are other things I like to observe about people between flipping the pages of my Vanity Fair on the stairmaster and listening to the least annoying television through my headphones while trekking the "rolling hills" of the treadmill, but the most interesting person we've seen at the gym so far...the most intriguingly odd...is definitely a guy I like to call Creepy Creeperson.

The only place I ever see Creepy is on the treadmill. Every time we go, we look to see if he's there. Listen, I'm sure he may be a very nice guy in his day-to-day life, so okay, I'm not assuming to know anything about who he really is. But in our sole interaction with him, at that gym, Creepy becomes an object of uncomfortable wonderment to me.

Creepy has this very unusual way of using the treadmill. I typically notice he chooses the same one in the corner upstairs, overlooking the weight area below. Downstairs is where we first spotted Creepy from, actually. Because I'm not feeling a Flip video moment right now, I won't be showing you my impersonation of Creepy, so the best I can do is describe it to you in as accurate detail as possible.

First of all, he leans forward on the machine (you know that posture really exhausted people take on the stepper?), wrapping his fingers around the sidebars and locking his elbows so hard his arms look like pencils, and he gets close close close to the stats panel. He seems to always be straining and leaning, straining and leaning, so I can only assume he has jacked his incline up to 400,000. Hi fixes his gaze intently on the people below (seriously, SO VERY INTENTLY AND LIFETIME MOVIE KILLER-LIKE)...and then comes the flair, that which makes the whole thing a beautiful, beautiful trainwreck. His shoulders. HIS SHOULDERS. He sways them. He sashays them. Yes, arms locked, legs plodding, eyes boring holes into innocent bystanders below, yet shoulders scrunched up to his jawline, catwalking as if disjointed from the rest of his body.

I don't know, did I explain that well?

Ah, people. They're not dull, are they?