Sarcomical

The End of a Journey that Felt Very Long

I wish I could type a SIGH in a manner that would convey the extreme relief and happiness I'm feeling about being done with this Master Cleanse. I technically shouldn't be eating until tomorrow morning, but I started later tonight on the orange juice (and some organic vegetable broth because I felt like my body could handle it, and so far it has), because reading the message board I realized that it may take me a few days to be able to adjust fully to eating some "normal" food, and I want to give myself a head start on getting back into the swing of things so that by this weekend when we're in Chicago at my in-laws' houses I won't risk not being able to enjoy the food. (TRANSLATION: If I can't eat the Christmas food I just might die from self-pity.)

When I had my first few sips of the orange juice tonight, I found myself fighting tears. Not sad ones, but I was just SO relieved, and fully happy with my ability to have actually done something like this, that it just came out that way. I felt a little silly, crying over orange juice (I mean, how rockin' cool is that? NOT VERY.), but oh well - it passed quickly and I shifted into extremely excited mode.

I promised to answer some questions and I will do that right after I tell you the things I learned while on this cleanse. I am by no means the Knowledge Queen of the Universe when it comes to this thing, but I can at least tell you what I got out of my experience. Here are some of my advice tidbits:

• This will require a lot of planning and forethought if you have to go into a regular job each day. Plan on getting up about 45 minutes earlier so that you can drink the Salt Water and give it about 30 minutes to work through your system. After that, at least in my experience, you should be okay until that night a few hours after you drink the tea.
  
• You MUST get sea salt that is not iodized. It makes a huge difference in taste and how it affects your body. Also, if you dissolve the salt in hot water first, it mixes fast; I also think that the more LUKEWARM the water is (mix hot and cool water), the better it tastes and the easier it is to drink. I know this seems counterintuitive, but trust me, the salt taste really is more prominent when the water is cold.
  
• I know some of you want to do this after the holidays in January, and if you do decide to do so I wish you the best. I will say, however, that I think this would be easier to do in the summer weather, when you don't feel as much like pigging out anyway, and you have more opportunities to go outside and get out in the air (and away from your cravings/emotional hangups). Also, there will be so much more fresh fruit available to you at the store when you are finished. Still, if you feel like you need to do this at a certain time, that's of course up to you. I would NEVER recommend anyone doing it right before Christmas like I just did, but I felt a vital need for it, and so I did.
  
• My skin really got balanced out during this cleanse. It's not oily or dry, and I feel like it got a lot softer as well. Bonus!
  
• I do suggest that you visit the Master Cleanse website first, and I also recommend that you do buy the book mentioned, just so you can get a better idea of what is ahead of you and prepare yourself better.
  
• I also suggest reading about how to break the cleanse. Some people rush into food and feel very sick or have bad cramps, so be careful. There are suggestions, mostly to start with orange juice, then move into veggie broth, simple salads, fruits and vegetables, etc. It's important to know about the possible effects of what you eat first, then listen to what your body is telling you.
  
• I feel so renewed in every way. My heart light and I broke through a mental barrier. I tested my strength in a powerful way and I won. That's a really awesome feeling. It was incredibly hard, but this was a good thing for me.

Now for some of the questions you've asked me.

Reader Asks: Do you think that someone who works away from home could do the Master Cleanse without spending excess amounts of times either in or near the bathroom?

Sarcomical Says: As I said above, I think it would require more planning, and obviously would not be as ideal as if you were able to at least begin on a long weekend and get used to how your body is reacting to the cleanse. For me, the mornings and evenings were the only times I would need to be close to a bathroom. I know some people have done it while working, but I think if you check that message board I referenced above, you can get some idea of people's experiences trying to do this while working.

Reader Asks: Right now i'm attempting to drink the quart of the internal salt cleanser drink, it's putrid, do you drink it daily? it's a lot four cups, c'mon.

Sarcomical Says: I would urge you to make sure you're using the right kind of salt. The first morning drinking it with the wrong sea salt was SO BAD, I had anxiety that night over having to do it again the next morning. I was ready to quit right there. Luckily, The Husband came to my rescue and said he didn't think I had the right stuff, and went and picked this up for me. It's what's recommended (again, reading the book and website will ensure you get the right ingredients for everything). Also, read what I wrote above about the temperature of the water. I also found two 32oz plastic containers, and used one for the Salt Water and one for the Lemon Drink (rinsing each day of course), which made it easier.

Reader Comments: i get confused when people say "aren't you only supposed to fast for a day or two at a time?" because a 2 day fast would hardly do any good as far as detoxing.

Sarcomical Says: I could not agree more, based on my experience. Day 1 is really just irritating, day 2 and 3 are TOUGH as your body is adjusting to not simply trying to digest the loads of food you normally eat, but to cleaning out toxins held in the body. Some people don't really dig that idea and find it kind of phooey, and that's cool. But I believe it, and if you do, the idea of needing to get past that point will make sense to you.

Reader Asks: You mentioned not putting on makeup - are you washing your hair and brushing your teeth? I was reading on some bulletin board that you should limit your intake of the products you use during this cleanse. People recommended only using natural toothpaste.

Sarcomical Says: Well, I only put on makeup when I had to go out (hey, I was feeling pretty ragged a few of those days!), and I admit, I couldn't handle not brushing my teeth regularly. I used something with baking soda, and if I had really planned ahead I might have gotten some Tom's of Maine toothpaste at least, but I don't think I could have just brushed with water or bar soap? as suggested. Believe me, you will feel the urge to brush your teeth! The Lemon Drink makes your teeth have that "fuzzy" feeling (ick!), and if you can do it the totally natural way, more power to you. I, alas, could not. Regarding washing the hair, I usually only wash mine about every three days or so anyway, so I was able to limit that easily.

Reader Asks: My concern about this cleanse is that I run and work out 1-2 hours a day. Would I still have the energy to do that?

Sarcomical Says: Oh my. Well, I kept reading about people who said they run several miles still while doing this. Let's put that in perspective. If you normally work out a lot and have that endurance built up, you will very possibly be able to still do at least some working out while doing this cleanse. Beforehand I had gotten to where my endurance was almost down to nil, so there was no way I could have done anything like that. Heck, Christmas shopping for 4 1/2 hours made me ready to lie down. However, it also really depends on how much your body is detoxing. Compared to some stories I read, my experience was pretty mild...but it can be even harder for some, with nausea and sweating, etc. for a few of the days. Once you get past a point, you definitely break through, but I would say plan on being prepared to take it easy. Then if your body feels okay, listen to that.

Insert Happy Dance Here

I'm almost done, and I bet you are about as excited to not hear about it anymore as I am to not be doing it! That's right, it's time for the update on my Big Fat Giant Master Cleanse. Wow, for someone who really hates the idea of anyone even hearing her pee in the bathroom, I sure have picked a strange task to tell you all about this past week. But soon it will all be puppies! and food! and photos! and ranting! and music! and makeup! and post-holiday blahs! Can you handle the excitement once this is all over? You might need to pace yourself. Don't feel bad.

The Master Cleanse, Day 9:

• Today has been not as bad as yesterday in terms of making it through without wanting tear through the kitchen. The hardest hours are from about 5:30-9:00pm, when I am thinking DinnerDinnerDinnerDinner! But knowing that tomorrow is the end feels really satisfying and is helping me get through the day.
  
• Some have asked about how much weight I've lost. Obviously, that's a perk to doing this cleanse, though wasn't the reason I made the decision during a very rough weekend when I felt the nudge to do something exactly like this to pull myself from the depths and renew myself. I really feel in that way it has helped tremendously. Everyone needs that in one form or another once in a while. But in terms of weight...I really can't tell you exactly. I haven't owned a scale for about two years or so. I also didn't take any measurements beforehand or anything. But I can tell you this - I am fitting better into all of my jeans, my face looks a little thinner, and my stomach is flatter (though no abs-of-steel miracle happened, I still need to work out). I would estimate that I may have lost anywhere from 8 to 12 pounds, give or take? Though I'm not sure. I know usually about 1/2 of what is lost comes back after resuming normal eating, so I don't want to get too attached to those results, but this brings me to the next point...
  
• I have a renewed desire to work out and try to stay as healthy as possible. Obviously, when you put yourself through something this drastic it only makes sense that you should come out of it prepared to take better care of your body than you did before you began. I am hoping that I will maintain this state of mind in the long run, but maybe if I feel myself slipping I can come back here and read through what I went through and it will kick my butt back into focus.
  
• I will have final thoughts and tips tomorrow, hopefully answering some of the questions I've gotten over the course of the past few days that I haven't had a chance to answer personally. If you have any more, go ahead and ask me before tomorrow night and I'll try to include them in the wrapup.

Thanks for all the support and special emails you've sent me during this process. I don't care what anyone says about you, you're the Cat's Meow.

Ergh.

I admit, I'm REALLY tired tonight and SO READY TO EAT SOMETHING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. It's time for the update, so here you go.

The Master Cleanse, OMG It's Day 8:

• My mental strength is very much under fire right now. I just want to be DONE, I've been fantasizing all day about the things I want to eat when I can. Literally, if I don't have something else on my mind, even for ONE MILLISECOND, then that damned millisecond is all about the fries from here, the Seared Ahi Tuna here, the Avocado Egg Roll from here and so many more things. I'm even super excited about the idea of having a pear, or some grilled portobello mushrooms, or some Annie Chun's Korean Kimchi Soup, or salmon! or salsa! or sushi! or goat cheese with a demi-baguette! CAN YOU TELL WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY MIND TODAY?
  
• Other than this huge challenge, physically I feel okay except for when I've gone too long between having the Lemon Drink, so I'm trying to watch that carefully. That's when I can get tired. The detoxing hasn't been too bad these past two days and mostly I'm still just having a little congestion move around.
  
• I am telling myself that I will feel stronger if I can make it through the entire 10 days than if I do what I really WANT to do right now and run down to the kitchen for some soup. If I can do this, how can I tell myself that I CAN'T do anything I really want, like I have a huge tendency to do? I hope I can draw from this experience that I can be stronger than I think at any given moment and can make it through something that seems daunting instead of quitting when the horizon looks difficult.

Now I'm off to bed. Tomorrow I can say "Only ONE more day!". That will be wonderful but also torturous at the same time. Wish me luck!

Short and Sweet

I'm going to make this update speedy, since The Husband got back from a week in CA tonight and I really just want to sit with him on the couch and not be anywhere near the computer. Gotta get all the smooooshiness in before he leaves again Tuesday!

The Master Cleanse, Day 7:

• Pretty good day, though I didn't feel quite as fabulous as yesterday. I can tell I'm still having some fluid moving in my lungs because I woke up with a different kind of congested feeling in my chest that went away mostly once I started moving around.
  
• I made turkey chili for The Husband tonight at MY request. (It's Rachael Ray's Indian Summer Turkey Chili, YOU HAVE TO TRY IT!!! even if you are afraid to try ground turkey this is amazing. I wanted to post the link here but the recipe online with the Food Network is quite different than the one in her book, so if you want to check it out sometime it's in here - maybe I'll post it sometime, too.) I couldn't wait to just get my hands on some food and make something! Being alone all week helped me in one way (quiet times to be thoughtful about this process), but I missed being able to stir something on the stove and chop up stuff, which I can't exactly do for myself right now.
  
• My will to continue is still strong but wavered a little tonight simply from being very, very tired of only having the Lemon Drink. I'm SO anxious to taste other things. Hunger-wise and energy-wise I feel nothing negative, except if I skip drinking THAT COLD, KILL-ME-WITH-THE-MONOTONY NOW drink too long. The anticipation to break this is becoming the real mental challenge now. Three more days feels like forever!
  
• For now, tomorrow is still a go with continuing. At this point, if I don't feel bad I just don't see a reason not to after having come this far. I still get tired earlier at night, but that's not a bad thing. You just don't want to do anything too strenuous on this if you don't have to.
  
• And with that, I'm off to relax and catch up on the DVR'd stuff we've missed! First up: 30 Rock. Tina Fey, man...that is one rockin' lady.

Some Things Friday #68: Did You Forget Christmas is Coming?

With all of this Master Cleanse talk, I'm wondering if you forget I like to talk about OTHER THINGS, too. So back to regularly-scheduled programming today, with an update at the end on that other thing. (p.s. - I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, in case you are wondering.)

Some Things I Love:

1. PRESENTS! I have no shame! I LOVE PRESENTS!
   
2. I LOVE THE FOOD. I get excited about finger food and things you dip, and this is prime season for the snacky-snacks.
   
3. A good (not disgustingly strong) pine-scented candle.
   
4. Putting the jingle bell collar on Shiloh. He prances around and thinks he's The Ladies' Man.
   
5. Some Things Friday Hottie: Harry. Singing Christmas music to me. And Harry. With his floppy hair. And the lips. And Harry. ...Oh, hi, I forgot we weren't alone for a minute.
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. The Lines Suck. For instance, tonight I waited for about 20 minutes to just check out at Meijer. About 10 lanes were open, and they all were at least 7 carts long. People looked a wee bit unhappy. Aaand, wouldn't you know it? Just as in any uncomfortable public situation, a kid started screaming. (Actual photo from said line.)
   
   
2. Come on, let's say it together: The Lawn Inflatables.
   
3. Being all restrained when offered leftovers as if "Oh, no! We will NEVER be able to eat all of that!" because we are stuffed to the gills and then being very, very mad when you open the refrigerator to find that The Husband ate all the cheesy potatoes and is all, "Oh, sorry! Did you want some?". Grrrr...
   
4. Cleaning up all that ripped wrapping paper afterward. Where is my butler when I need him? Who gave him the day off?
   
5. Kenny Rogers on the radio. I'm sorry, I just can't.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Light-up Christmas sweatshirts worn with the utmost sincerity.
   
2. Where are all the Christmas movies on television right now? All I see is multiple runs of John Tucker Must Die, Monster-In-Law, Snakes On a Plane, etc. Where is Bing??? Where is Jimmy Stewart??? Charlie Brown??? I'll even take Macaulay Culkin, folks.
   
3. Christmas trees left up until February. Come on, even I can get around to it before then. Put it to bed, m'kay?
   
4. Turducken. That, my friends, is just too much...something. Layers 'o meat, maybe? Excuse me for a moment (*heave*).
   
   
5. Why can't we just stretch the feasting, presents and lounging around together for about three weeks? That sounds divine.

S - - - S - - - S - - - S - - - S - - - S - - - S - - - S

Okay, now for the update.

The Master Cleanse, Day 6:

• Wow. Talk about breakthrough. Late last night, after typing the last update, I had what you may say a pretty thorough session of "detoxing" thanks to the mild partial-senna tea you're supposed to drink each night. More than any other day. And immediately afterward, I felt amazingly better. It was as if I not only purged some of my negative feelings and thoughts yesterday, but some toxins as well.
  
• I think a major cleansing I've had has been in my lungs. Yesterday, when I felt so terrible, it seemed like someone was sitting on my chest; it was just SO HEAVY-feeling. Then after last night, as I laid down to try to go to sleep, I literally had a moment where I felt my lungs opening up and I suddenly was breathing easier. I also had some phlegm move up and out today, and I'm feeling like I'm breathing better than I have possibly in years. I know in general (aside from my caffeine habit), I'm fairly healthy. But one area that I've had struggles with is fluid in my lungs and congestion in my throat. That is almost completely gone now.
  
• Today has been BY FAR the most amazing day on this yet. I have felt energetic and happy the entire day, and almost euphoric. It's strange. I feel as if I got a coffee injection.
  
• I've felt SO good that it got me all excited to see the end of the tunnel. Honestly, it's made me very anxious to start back with eating again. I don't want to cheat myself, but if I continue to feel this great tomorrow I'm considering breaking the cleanse early. I don't know... I want to do as much good for myself as I can, so if I can resist the anticipation I will. But we're supposed to possibly get snowed in here for the next few days ("blizzard-like conditions"), and The Husband is coming home tomorrow (if his plane gets delayed or canceled I will stomp my foot very hard), and I don't know...something about being snowed in and all cozy makes me really want to get going on the vegetable soup and other foods and get ready for Christmas. I'm torn. Now it's not a matter so much of misery as excitement. One day at a time, I guess. At this moment, I'm very happy with it and am so glad I didn't break last night. So I'll try to push through and delay the gratification.

Sigh. This One's a Little Raw.

Okay, this gets heavy toward the end. Sorry, I'm feeling way tired and all other kinds of things.

The Master Cleanse, Day 5 Update:

• Woke up feeling even better than yesterday. Had an appointment to get my hair cut, and then went Christmas shopping afterward (having to skip the original lunch date I had set up with my stylist afterward and rescheduling for next week - I am SO EXCITED TO EAT THAT SUSHI it will be fantastic but not as fantastic as what The Brother-In-Law makes HINT-HINT a Sushi Feast Extravaganza would be, um, really WELCOME, you know, in case you guys are reading and wanting to make me cry tears of Food Appreciation after this is all over).
  
• Was feeling very "up" and brought some of the Lemon Drink with me in the car, but I didn't load up enough between parking lots to avoid the slump I felt after four hours. Uurrrghhh...
  
• I hit the lowest feelings of inability to continue today at around 6pm. It was strange because of how great I felt this morning, even telling my hairstylist that I actually hadn't had any major detoxing symptoms that I've read about. But later, I just felt sluggish and down. I came very, very, VERY CLOSE to veering into any place that would serve me fries or even a sandwich. I read when I came home more about how this could be right before I really clear some toxins, and they could be what are mobilizing and making me feel this way. So, despite the extreme amount of restraint it has taken me not to break this cleanse tonight, I am going to wait until tomorrow to see how I feel before I decide if I can finish out the complete 10 days. If I don't begin feeling better, I will probably end it when The Husband comes home on Saturday. I honestly believe the key is to not stop drinking the Lemon Drink at least every 20 minutes. Because you'll feel great, and not have any for a while, and then it will HIT YOU.
  
• Here's what I had going on In The Brain today - I have come face-to-face with some of my negative thoughts, and in a bare kind of way. While shopping, I was at this mall that tends to have lots of very, very wealthy people shopping in it. I came across a certain woman in a store and she was so put-together, so classy and gorgeous, with her perfect hair and face and shoes, and she looked like she might only have been my age. She seemed to be very professional, and gave off an air like an New York City fashionista. I caught myself being intrigued by her, and wondering intensely what she does for a living, how she lives, etc. I have had this problem with getting pangs of jealousy when I see people like that, who seem to have no financial worry, and it hit hard tonight.
  
  This is especially since another thing that's been on my mind today is our financial situation, and how I am not really helping it in my effort to be this "creative, artist-type" person who can't seem to handle the restraints of normal working situations. (Must be free like a bird! Must have higher purpose! Gah.) I'm still doing some freelance work that's bringing in a (VERY) little money, but I feel very guilty. My husband has a great job, works hard, and makes a good salary, but we can't get ahead...and that just stinks at our age. I really feel that the key to this lies squarely on my shoulders. Tonight I am feeling very bad that I'm not doing more to remedy this. I haven't gotten comfortable with the idea of asking people to pay me to take pictures yet. Hell, I can't even get to a point where I feel finished with my portfolio website. I have to either throw those hangups in the trashcan or saddle up and look for another job very soon, because I don't want it to just be his responsibility.
  
  One thing (which kind of affects above hangup) that The Husband and I talked about recently was how I sometimes literally can not make my mind cooperate with me. I wish I could explain it better, but right now it's hard to come up with the words. Let's just say that there are times when it feels like my brain is fighting against me when I'm trying to do certain types of things. It wanders, locks up, or feels overloaded and I physically feel angry and frustrated because of it. It's as if I can't turn the dial to the right frequency sometimes.
  
  I've been reading a little bit about childhood brain injuries and am wondering if it's possible that the skull fracture I had as a baby caused part of my brain to try to compensate for the part that may have been affected. Some think that while it was previously thought that younger children recover and repair better than people who sustain injury at an older age, that in fact possibly the younger children with moderate brain injury or head trauma may seem to recover normally but because of the young mind's ability to adapt, part of the brain may try to take over for a part that has been injured. This means that later on in life, as they encounter more complex issues around college/adult age, the full impact of how the brain has been affected may become more apparent. (Google "brain injury", childhood, plasticity, etc. and you'll see some of the info come up.)
  
  I don't want to grasp at straws, but I can't lie and say it wouldn't be a relief to me if this may be a contributing factor to my very long struggle with small but specific aspects of coping. I don't know. When I read it, it sounds a lot like what I'm feeling and going through. But all I know is, whether it's simple brain chemistry (ADD/depression) or this, my brain isn't always doing what I want it to do. So after this is over I might consider what methods are out there to help me to finally feel a little bit more normal in addition to the lifestyle choices I want to maintain that may help.

Oh My Good Lord. That was so long. Are you still even here?!?

Whoo! Cleaning It Up-date

La da dee, la dee dahh, it's The Master Cleanse, Day 4 Update, aren't you excited?:

• As anticipated, I woke up feeling the most normal so far in this process. Sure, it helped that the sun actually made an appearance, but overall I felt pretty much like myself, enough to sing stupid songs to the dogs (because they are a captive audience, after all) and go Christmas shopping. See? That's me in the Von Maur bathroom with my new coat on, happy to have actually brushed my hair (okay so I didn't wash it, but that's beside the point).
  
• I did get really tired at the end of a few hours of that, but once I came home and had a shot of the maple syrup and some more of the Lemon Drink I felt good enough to do a little yoga. I skipped the hard stuff, stuck to stretching and relaxation poses, and let me tell you it felt GOOD.
  
• I have to be honest, I'm getting to sleep in when I need to during this, so if you have a job where you have to leave every morning I can imagine that this might be very hard to coordinate with your schedule, and to get to bed early enough to have all the energy you want the next day.
  
• Today my cravings were the best yet: tacos from that Mexican dive down the road, and spaghetti from Buca di Beppo. Mmmm...
  
• Today my ears sounded like they were draining a few times.
  
• I find the general feeling of being a little empty and a little slowed-down has given me more and more time to think about how I want to live and what I want to be able to focus on. There are moments when I think "I'd really like to just figure that out while eating some chips and salsa, thank you very much", but then I realize that if one thing I draw from this experience is a turning inward without distraction, then it will be worth the discipline it takes to have gone through at least once in my life. I know after this I will still find it hard to believe I was able to do it.
  
• As far as the, ahem, *cleansing* portion that some of you may be wondering about...you know, the detoxing? Maybe I just don't have a lot of junk in my body, but I really am not noticing too much happening in a bad way. I still have 6 more days to go, so I suppose we'll see.
  
• I have to tell you though, that at the end of this day I am really ready to go to bed. One thing you can't do while being on this cleanse is be an insomniac, thank God. There's no way your body will let you stay up that long! And with that, I'm off to have some more dreams - they've been really interesting the past few nights.

Are You Getting Tired of the Updates Yet?

No? Because I am kind of. However, I did promise, so here you go:

Master Cleanse, Day 3:

• I had a very dull headache part of the afternoon, but not too bad.
  
• Have been a little hungry, but not more than that little twinge you get before you decide to make a meal.
  
• I've gotten more energy as this day went on and fully plan on going out to Christmas shop a bit tomorrow and make some things at home. Granted, these last two days I've been feeling low-key, but I really think that's been part of the emotional aspect and not purely physical.
  
• Tongue still a little gray, but almost back to normal.
  
• Today's breakthrough moment was realizing how much I use food - planning what I want to eat, thinking about what I want to eat, making it, eating it - to fill in some bored spots during the day. And I'm not what you'd call a compulsive eater! I'd bet a lot of you might have the same experience. I never noticed before how many times I do that. Really that's been the thing this day - coming up to a point where I could focus on something else, but instead wishing I could figure out dinner for tonight, or what snack I would want next. Weird. I think I also noticed it more today because The Husband isn't in town at the moment, and I think I do lean toward Food as Company! Not that it's SO bad to do that sometimes, but I'm learning new ways to deal with that time.
  
• My mind has a lot of clarity today; it's really nice. Some of the clouds I've felt brewing in my mind the past couple of months have begun clearing. I was hoping for this when I began this process.
  
• Even though I haven't put on makeup for two days, when I look in the mirror my eyes look brighter and my face doesn't seem to be drooping ever-so-slightly toward Earth's center when I see it - okay, bring on more of that!
  
• For some of you who asked - yes, you can drink water in addition to the drink, and occasionally some peppermint tea. I had some today and I felt my sinuses getting really clear. I am breathing easier than I have in a while.
  
• I've felt really positive today and think tomorrow will be a breeze. I might even do some gentle yoga tomorrow as well.

Some of you have expressed concern; I knew I couldn't put this out there in The Internet without some of that coming back at me. It makes sense. I understand your right to question it. But believe me, I'm NOT the most disciplined person in the world (although this is quite an exercise in that respect), and don't like being miserable. If I feel truly bad and like I'm doing something that's hurting me, I'll know to let it go and take it in as part of the experience. But for now I don't feel that way and still think there is more for me to learn through it. Because most of what I hope to gain is inside and not outside, my goal isn't just to push myself for not eating's sake. God, I Love Food! And I intend to eat food and enjoy it thoroughly after this. In fact, I'm going to plan some very special meals for myself when I'm done.

Hmm...thinking perhaps something in the crockpot.

Can I Have My Dundie Award Yet?

Master Cleanse, Day 2:

• I didn't wake up feeling hungry, strangely enough.
  
• Turns out that salt I used yesterday was so, so wrong. This morning's Salt Water with the new sea salt The Husband found yesterday was entirely manageable in comparison, albeit not the most fun to drink. No pain, either.
  
• Still felt sad about not being able to eat something. Not necessarily out of hunger, but because it feels like a weird loss not to be able to grab something out of the pantry or refrigerator when I feel like it.
  
• I made The Husband some spaghetti and garlic bread, even though he tried to talk me out of it. I had to get him to understand that the act of being able to prepare the food was actually kind of comforting. Not sticking my fingers in the sauce was hard, but I handled it.
  
• Watched The Food Network a little this afternoon because they were making Christmas stuff and it was not too bad. No specific cravings today, but last night I really could not stop thinking about cheese and potato chips. Also, last night I waffled between feeling irritated about not being able to eat what and when I wanted and feeling really happy and relaxed. Today was pretty even-keeled, but it did feel long.
  
• Feeling overall mellow. A little tired, but not weak. Had a bit of a headache waking up, but not worse than my typical two-days-without-coffee headache. It went away pretty fast.
  
• My tongue is pretty white. Or gray. Hmm...read something about that but not sure what it means.
  
• Mostly I'm just ready to put this day to bed and see how tomorrow looks.

I'll Really Be Appreciating Christmas Dinner This Year

Because the holidays just aren't stressful enough...I've decided to go on The Master Cleanse starting today. This means that for 10 days I'll be drinking the lemon/maple syrup/cayenne mix (which I actually like) and having nothing else but the occasional peppermint tea.

I've had a very contemplative and emotion-filled past two weeks. The Husband has been traveling a bit more lately with his new job, and this has proven to be both good and bad. On one hand, I do miss having someone around the house to talk to and to break the moments of being stuck in my own head, but at the same time it's nice that I have the ability to be on my own schedule and also to really focus on my thoughts and progress.

I told you that I've been dealing with insomnia and before that I told you that I didn't feel like I was depressed, at least not at all in the manner in which I've dealt with it in the past. Actually, since that time I've gone back and forth between feeling completely insightful and at peace to feeling quite numb and fighting the urge to just lay down in the middle of the floor in the Christmas aisle at Lowe's - not because I was tired from the NOT SLEEPING I'd been doing but from the mere fact that I felt so alone and detached and plain old did not care if the dad looking at Christmas lights with his daughter had to step around my BLAH, WHATEVER, COAT-WRAPPED BODY.

Throughout these past few years I've gone through several course changes in thought involving things which make you up as a person. The way I consider religion, personal relationships, societal conventions, politics, my own goals and talents, and more have all undergone change as part of my entering into this newest decade of my life, and this has happened in almost an oozing, sneaky kind of way that has felt very natural yet at the same time makes me want to stop and make sure I'm aware of it all. I really think that every once in a while you just need to go through a "shedding of your skin" kind of catharsis to stay healthy and present in your own life, and that's what I feel I'm doing right now.

First of all, I feel I must clarify that in NO WAY SHAPE, OR FORM does this have to do with that Beyoncé business and all the media surrounding the weight she lost doing this cleanse. If you knew me at all in real life, you would know I find her more and more unappealing as a person as time continues. So that's not an influential factor. I was, however, intrigued by Denise's journey through this as well as several others, and how they approached this spiritually and emotionally.

I will be posting at the end of each of these 10 days to give you a breakdown of how I've done so far, if you want to follow along and see how it goes. I can already tell it's going to take so much discipline, as I freaked out last night and ate the rest of the cookies we made the other day and this morning I popped out of bed saying, "you know what, I don't think I want to do this! I don't need to do this!", after making our special trip to Wild Oats yesterday for all of the ingredients. You start each morning with a salt water flush (which you drink), and let's just say I cried.

Master Cleanse, Day 1:

• The Salt Water Flush Sucks. You have to drink 32 ounces (1 quart). THIRTY-TWO, which is like 4 glasses of water. First thing in the morning, and all at once. I got to about 4 ounces and felt like I was going to gag. It was so hard! I told The Husband that I was done; I couldn't do this. I watched the Sia video to try to focus on something other than how disgusted I was. When I finally finished, I just started crying because it was so physically and emotionally difficult.
  
• Pain. Pain, pain, pain. Very sharp pains in my stomach.
  
• The Husband says maybe I got the wrong sea salt. He goes to two stores to ensure that I have non-iodized salt, because he felt so bad for me and wasn't completely convinced the salt we got yesterday is, since it doesn't specifically say so on the container.
  
• Um, salt water came out, so to speak. I guess the way it was supposed to. Felt instantly better.
  
• Made lemon drink and liked it! What a relief.
  
• Still drinking, supposed to have around 8-10 glasses worth a day.
  
• Husband bought 20 more lemons today. It takes about 5 a day in the drink mixture.
  
• Am already feeling anxiety over tomorrow's salt water.

What am I hoping to gain from this? Well, I'm hoping to break past some of the limits I've bound myself with lately professionally, creatively, and physically. I want to try to work through any residual negative emotions and/or anxiety I've held onto regarding when we will have children, what steps I want to take in my life, and how I want to take care of myself in all ways. I also want to gain the strength of knowing that I can resist the crutch of munching on food when I'm bored, stressed or sad. I want to be very thoughtful and meditative, and gather my focus. I have felt like I see sluggishness and dullness in my ever-puffy eyes lately, and I am looking forward to seeing health and strength in them instead!

Okay, are you ready? Because I am so freaking nervous. I LOVE FOOD. It's one of my favorite luxuries, it's what I like to comfort myself with on cold days like these, and I'm going to be bombarded with Christmas smells and images of food these coming days. PLUS, I can't seem to stop watching the Food Network Christmas specials! I just have to keep in mind this is only 10 days of my entire life. And by Christmas, I will be able to enjoy some of it just fine.

OH! And The Husband will be gone about 10 days out of the next two weeks. So I'll be alone for a large part of this as well. Fantastic. Here I go...