Sarcomical

Some Things Friday #74: Magic, potatoes & curry

Some Things I Love:

1. Cool floors on hot days
2. Tearing paper apart at the perforation
3. Open windows and crickets at night
4. The Husband is learning magic card tricks - he is very cute and serious when he does them.
5. The scent of very old books

Some Things I Hate:

1. Scarlett Johansson being in the next Iron Man movie...Blech
2. That after 10 years, The Husband had to tell me that there is a 'Potato' button on the microwave...just think of all the potatoes I could have been eating! Russet, Sweet, Red...dear God, so much time lost...
3. Dasani water
4. Raking dog hair
5. Knowing very well that I'm procrastinating, but deciding I'll do something about it later

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. How anyone could not LOVE the smell of curry
2. Why the number of barking neighbor dogs has this year multiplied by at least 23,000. I mean, it has to have - do you HEAR that? I feel like Elaine in the Seinfeld episode where she had one particular yipper "kidnapped". Not that I would do that, of course. Or have even fantasized about it. At all.
3. Blip.fm, and why I should care what anyone else is listening to on it
4. Rodents as pets
5. Joggers who think they look "awesome" enough to run barely clothed, when...in fact...NO...
   

Some Things Friday #73: Short & Sweet Edition

Some Things I Love:

1. Powdered Sugar
2. Rachel Maddow
3. The lingering scent of shampoo in freshly-washed hair
4. Nighttime lit-up cityscapes
5. Ticking clocks

Some Things I Hate:

1. Butter commercials and how disgustingly thick they spread it in each shot
2. Wafer-thin toilet paper
3. Sloppy, slippery sandwiches
4. Toy guns
5. Spaghetti slurpers

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Turkey bowling
2. The tantalizing allure of carbonation in beverages
3. 10% sales and why anyone thinks they're worth it
4. "Modern interpretations" of the mullet
5. Grown women wearing cartoon character sweatshirts

technorati tags: NaBloPoMo

Some Things Friday #72: Little Gordon, Toe Socks, and Pear-Shaped Men

Some Things I Love:

1. I have a new obsession with anything that has goldfish or koi on it. (The question is, now that the mother-in-law knows this, will I be receiving some sort of giant fish pillow or huge porcelain fish with gaping mouth for Christmas? Dear God let's say no.)
   
2. The idea of hot apple cider, all through Fall, although in reality I can only stomach a little cup full sometime around mid-October, after which I will promptly say "Bleh, that is so disgustingly sweet. Ugh. I can't drink any more. Seriously. Stop me next time." My romanticized idea of apple cider is much more fun than the reality.
   
3. CHEEZ-ITs. Damn.
   
4. That familiar and distinct ink-and-cardboard scent you catch a whiff of on the rare occasion you open a board game; it smells like childhood, doesn't it?
   
5. Little. Gordon. Ramsey. ohmahgod. (And if you've never seen Chef Ramsey on one of his many television shows, you will probably be very concerned about seeing a little boy act this way. Don't. You just don't get it. This is FUNNAY.)
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. Toe socks. That is just disgusting.
   
2. Rolling cookie dough into balls between my palms. Or meat into meatballs. I have a POWERFUL aversion to touching food that much, but once I shut my eyes and break the barrier, I can handle it. Barely.
   
3. Having to get up from an intensely productive work moment to pee. ...Okay, I realize the alternative is not acceptable, but seriously. I pee at ridiculous intervals.
   
4. Men wearing white gym socks ANY time other than when they're working out, doing yard work, or watching a football game. I can't stand seeing a man sitting at a restaurant with his lady, leaning across the table to grab her hand, crossing his leg, and flashing an ugly white sock.
   
5. Kids walking home from school. The mower guy. The UPS man. Neighborhood dogs. Asshat rabbits in the backyard. Babies in strollers. WHY, you ask? Ahem...
   
   
   (The one you don't see was upstairs. Isn't it glorious?)

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Is it possible to get carpal tunnel in just one finger? Because if so, I'm pretty sure my right index finger is a classic case.
   
2. Why is Alan Thicke doing those weird Las Vegas resort "don't worry, it's complementary" commercials? I don't get it. What happened, Alan? Where did your artistic integrity go? Oh...that's right...Growing Pains. Yeahhh...
   
3. Severely pear-shaped men. I mean, I'm not surprised by the female pear shape. But have you ever seen a pear-shaped man? I'm not just talking a guy with a gut, I'm talking tiny on top, big all around underneath. It makes you do a double-take, don't you agree? It's just...so odd.
   
4. NBC picked up the new Knight Rider for Fall. ...Did they SEE the pilot? Sadly, The Husband made sure I did. He's now demanding we record the episodes on DVR so he doesn't miss any. Thanks, NBC. Thanks for being such giant tools.
   
5. I wonder what the significance is of the shape of butterfly wings. It seems that could be purely for our enjoyment, doesn't it? Aren't they strange little creatures? Okay, that was my nice bit to end with. What's more gentle and nice than a butterfly conversation? One about kitties, maybe? Baby horses?

Some Things Friday #71: Still Childless In My 30's Edition

Some Things I Love:

1. No child vomit.
   
2. Leaving any time of the day to do a photo shoot, meet someone for coffee, go out to dinner or satisfy a sudden desire to buy new magazines without having to load up the Pack 'n Play. See, I zip MY children up in a crate when I leave the house. Can you do that with YOURS? Without going to jail for it, I mean.
   
3. Taking a bubble bath without waiting for the kids to be sleeping or for The Husband to get home.
   
4. Complete silence, anywhere and anytime I want it.
   
5. NO SPONGEBOB, NO WONDERPETS, NO PRINCESS MOVIES, NO DORA, ETC., ETC., ETC.

Some Things I Hate:

1. Seeing the Perfect most Perfect ever Perfect baby shoes with no one to put them in. Unless I decide to put them on the dogs. Which, hello, might be a bit too pathetic, no?
   
2. Knowing that even if I got pregnant this very moment (which would be difficult to do here on my chair, let me tell you), I would be THIRTY SEVEN YEARS OLD when my first child started kindergarten. Yeesh.
   
3. Not being able to use all of the incredibly fabulous baby names I've already come up with. And no, I'm not telling, Stealer McStealerson.
   
4. The twinge I get from time to time when I see a beautiful pregnant lady, or a really pretty and non smoosh-headed new baby.
   
5. The thought that I have perhaps not taken enough advantage of these child-free years I've had, and will one day ask myself, "Well, why the hell didn't I just get it over with, then?"

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Couples we meet who ask immediately if we have children, and who upon discovering we don't, act as if their relationship is more validated than ours because they have procreated four times already.
   
2. That when people do ask if we have children yet and we say no, the next question often is "Oh, do you think you're going to at all?" BECAUSE WE MUST BE ETERNAL CHILD-HATERS OR INFERTILE IF WE HAVEN'T POPPED OUT A PERSON YET.
   
3. I haven't worked my ass off enough to be in perfect shape before I would ever get pregnant, anyway. What am I, the laziest and stupidest person on the planet? GET ON IT, IDIOT.
   
4. I flip-flop every few weeks between really, really thinking NOW IS THE TIME and then freaking out that MY LIFE AS I KNOW IT WILL BE OVER. Will that ever go away? Am I just not as filled with Mom Genes (hahaha Mom Jeans) as some of the rest of you?
   
5. Are there others of you who think it is actually a GOOD thing that we didn't end up having the chance to inflict our 20-something confusion, emotional baggage and immaturity onto the children we haven't yet had?

Some Things Friday #70: Soccer Studs, Crashes, and Nude Bras

Some Things I Love:

1. The bottom of the ice cream cone. You know what I mean...that part at the base where all of the ice cream melted into those little square holes. I can't WAIT to get to the bottom of that ice cream cone.
   
2. Shrimp fajitas. Olé! (I just had them for dinner. Jealous?)
   
3. Short fingernails. (The easier to type like a mad woman, my dear. And p.s. - guitar lessons hopefully this year? We shall see.)
   
4. Baby monkeys.
   
5. Sarcomical Some Things Friday Hottie of the Week: U.S. Soccer Player Carlos Bocanegra (thanks to my recent reader tip to check out Kickette!)
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. This new weather, lovely as it is, requires too much shaving for someone as lazy as this girl is.
   
2. Waking up from a really cool dream RIGHT before you get handed your Emmy / make out with your Hollywood crush / find out what your new baby looks like / bitch slap that snotty lady from the office.
   
3. Clothing stores for the young'ens that make me have to try on something two sizes bigger than I am everywhere else. YOU SUCK.
   
4. Computer crashes in the middle of VERY IMPORTANT THINGS.
   
5. Crushed and broken barbecue Baked Lays at the bottom of the bag. Hard to look classy while licking silver interior.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Adult women who still don't understand that WE CAN SEE THAT WHITE BRA UNDER THAT WHITE T-SHIRT. Listen, it's NUDE under white, ladies. NUDE. In fact, nude is better under pretty much everything except black. Do you really not know this? I've even said it here before. Please. Just stop it.
   
2. Contortionists.
   
3. Should I be concerned about the hissing sizzle sound when I spoon the Splenda into my tea?
   
4. Rosie Perez's career.
   
5. Why can't I convince The Husband that karaoke would, in fact, be a VERY FUN DATE?

Some Things Friday #69: Detectives, Laziness and Cruise's Exes

Some Things I Love:

1. The idea of wrist-warmers. I think they look rockin' and cozy. Although, I don't own any yet. Why? This is a mystery to me. However, if you'd like to make me some, you'd better hurry up before I look ridiculous in them while wearing shorts.
   
2. I'm currently obsessed with red pears. Mmmmm...
   
3. That it's getting warm enough soon for me to maybe start running again. It is definitely In The Game Plan for whipping myself into buff shape. Sarah has mentioned the Couch to 5K Program a few times and how it got her in the Groove. I'm inspired.
   
4. Adobe Lightroom. I have just discovered its ease and am all over it.
   
5. Some Things Friday Hottie of the Week - Law & Order's Detective Elliot Stabler himself, Mr. Christopher Meloni. Prrrr...
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. That moment when I know I have to get the sheets out of the dryer and put them back on the bed. ...Because, uuurgghh...sooo...lazzzzzzy...
   
2. Wicked, sly, subcutaneous zits that appear mysteriously on a 31-year old cheek. Yes, a CHEEK.
   
3. That I can never seem to keep the top of the stove crumb- and mess-free for more than one day. Cleaning is not my favorite.
   
4. The very thought of all of the glorious would-have-been episodes I've missed of The Office, Law & Order: SVU, How I Met Your Mother, Chuck and more because of the writer's strike.
   
5. The smell that stays on your fingers when you cut flower stems.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. How is it that I still manage to forget for a split second exactly what I need to do to get the windshield wipers on my car to adjust when it's only been a few weeks since I last used them?
   
2. Why is it that in all of those mascara commercials, the women are clearly wearing false eyelashes? Isn't that cheating?
   
3. Do you think that we ever twitch like dogs do when they're sleeping?
   
4. Why aren't any of Tom Cruise's exes talking? HELLO??? Spill the beans, girls. What the heck is going on with that guy and did you gather any valuable intelligence when you were with him? Because you could clear up a lot of questions for us, is all I'm saying.
   
5. Why does the cat seem to get his urges to throw up hairballs when he's sitting on or near my things?

technorati tags: Friday, wrist warmers, Christopher Meloni, Sarcomical Some Things Friday

Some Things Friday #68: Did You Forget Christmas is Coming?

With all of this Master Cleanse talk, I'm wondering if you forget I like to talk about OTHER THINGS, too. So back to regularly-scheduled programming today, with an update at the end on that other thing. (p.s. - I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, in case you are wondering.)

Some Things I Love:

1. PRESENTS! I have no shame! I LOVE PRESENTS!
   
2. I LOVE THE FOOD. I get excited about finger food and things you dip, and this is prime season for the snacky-snacks.
   
3. A good (not disgustingly strong) pine-scented candle.
   
4. Putting the jingle bell collar on Shiloh. He prances around and thinks he's The Ladies' Man.
   
5. Some Things Friday Hottie: Harry. Singing Christmas music to me. And Harry. With his floppy hair. And the lips. And Harry. ...Oh, hi, I forgot we weren't alone for a minute.
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. The Lines Suck. For instance, tonight I waited for about 20 minutes to just check out at Meijer. About 10 lanes were open, and they all were at least 7 carts long. People looked a wee bit unhappy. Aaand, wouldn't you know it? Just as in any uncomfortable public situation, a kid started screaming. (Actual photo from said line.)
   
   
2. Come on, let's say it together: The Lawn Inflatables.
   
3. Being all restrained when offered leftovers as if "Oh, no! We will NEVER be able to eat all of that!" because we are stuffed to the gills and then being very, very mad when you open the refrigerator to find that The Husband ate all the cheesy potatoes and is all, "Oh, sorry! Did you want some?". Grrrr...
   
4. Cleaning up all that ripped wrapping paper afterward. Where is my butler when I need him? Who gave him the day off?
   
5. Kenny Rogers on the radio. I'm sorry, I just can't.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Light-up Christmas sweatshirts worn with the utmost sincerity.
   
2. Where are all the Christmas movies on television right now? All I see is multiple runs of John Tucker Must Die, Monster-In-Law, Snakes On a Plane, etc. Where is Bing??? Where is Jimmy Stewart??? Charlie Brown??? I'll even take Macaulay Culkin, folks.
   
3. Christmas trees left up until February. Come on, even I can get around to it before then. Put it to bed, m'kay?
   
4. Turducken. That, my friends, is just too much...something. Layers 'o meat, maybe? Excuse me for a moment (*heave*).
   
   
5. Why can't we just stretch the feasting, presents and lounging around together for about three weeks? That sounds divine.

S - - - S - - - S - - - S - - - S - - - S - - - S - - - S

Okay, now for the update.

The Master Cleanse, Day 6:

• Wow. Talk about breakthrough. Late last night, after typing the last update, I had what you may say a pretty thorough session of "detoxing" thanks to the mild partial-senna tea you're supposed to drink each night. More than any other day. And immediately afterward, I felt amazingly better. It was as if I not only purged some of my negative feelings and thoughts yesterday, but some toxins as well.
  
• I think a major cleansing I've had has been in my lungs. Yesterday, when I felt so terrible, it seemed like someone was sitting on my chest; it was just SO HEAVY-feeling. Then after last night, as I laid down to try to go to sleep, I literally had a moment where I felt my lungs opening up and I suddenly was breathing easier. I also had some phlegm move up and out today, and I'm feeling like I'm breathing better than I have possibly in years. I know in general (aside from my caffeine habit), I'm fairly healthy. But one area that I've had struggles with is fluid in my lungs and congestion in my throat. That is almost completely gone now.
  
• Today has been BY FAR the most amazing day on this yet. I have felt energetic and happy the entire day, and almost euphoric. It's strange. I feel as if I got a coffee injection.
  
• I've felt SO good that it got me all excited to see the end of the tunnel. Honestly, it's made me very anxious to start back with eating again. I don't want to cheat myself, but if I continue to feel this great tomorrow I'm considering breaking the cleanse early. I don't know... I want to do as much good for myself as I can, so if I can resist the anticipation I will. But we're supposed to possibly get snowed in here for the next few days ("blizzard-like conditions"), and The Husband is coming home tomorrow (if his plane gets delayed or canceled I will stomp my foot very hard), and I don't know...something about being snowed in and all cozy makes me really want to get going on the vegetable soup and other foods and get ready for Christmas. I'm torn. Now it's not a matter so much of misery as excitement. One day at a time, I guess. At this moment, I'm very happy with it and am so glad I didn't break last night. So I'll try to push through and delay the gratification.

Sarcomical Some Things Friday #67: Thanksgiving is In Less than a WEEK?!? Edition

Some Things I Love:

1. Dogs in holiday sweaters! HilAAAriously and ironically cute!
   
   
2. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin cheesecake, pumpkin cake roll numnumnum.
   
3. Time to pull out Christmas Vacation, Elf, White Christmas and It's a Wonderful Life and still enjoy them before I get sick to death of them in a few short weeks.
   
4. The bottomless plate of cheese and olives at my grandma's house.
   
5. Be Thankful for the Friday Sarcomical Hottie of the Week: John Krasinski, otherwise known as goofy moppy-haired cutie Jim on The Office. I'm sure he'd totally let you tousle his hair. Maybe. ...Maybe you should just admire from afar.
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. Those corny crescent roll commercials that will now proliferate the television screen until after Christmas. Because anyone has ever really wanted to punch someone in the face for eating the last crescent roll and ruining Christmas.
   
2. Candy corn. Ugh, hack, blechhh.
   
3. That I have to make my peace with football on Thanksgiving. GAAHHHD.
   
4. The inflatable lawn snowmen, they are coming. I'm thinking stabby thoughts.
   
5. All the pretty leaves will fall off soon.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. PEOPLE in holiday sweaters! HilAAAriously awful!
   
   
2. My mom AND my sister are both completely done with their Christmas shopping. DONE. As in, no holiday shopping stress. bah.
   
3. Water chestnuts in stuffing. Water chestnuts in anything.
   
4. This old Pinocchio float from the Macy's Parade. ...What?
   
   
5. Why can't Starbucks made a sugar-free Peppermint Mocha? :(

Some Things Friday #66: Pretty Men, Menthols, and Open-Pee Policies

Some Things I Love:

1. Halloween is OVER, therefore the hideous inflatable lawn pumpkins and large animated & blinking carriage containing skeletons (oh, I'm not even remotely lying) will finally be put to rest in our neighborhood. I knew there was a benefit to me not running much outdoors the past month. I mean, other than the not having to get up.
   
2. Fish Tacos. Are you KIDDING me with this rainbow of taste explosion? Sadly, the best I've ever had are from Chevy's. I've tried the ones at Don Pablo's, Bar Louie, and a few others and I'm sorry but no way do they compare to the ones that make me want to cry very large red onion-scented teardrops. And wouldn't you know it, we don't have one of them here.
   Halp. Send Takoz Plz.
   
3. The word 'deciduous'.
   
4. Fuzzy socks (but you better not show me those disgusting ones with the toes on them).
   
5. Sarcomical Some Things Friday Hottie: Taye Diggs.
   
   Heh, hello there, Mister Diggs...uhh, hey...I, um, commend you for being able to pull off that suit, the funky hat, AND the...well...heh...that chest thing. Okay, bye.

Some Thing I Hate:

1. Halloween is over, therefore the hideous inflatable snowmen, cartoon characters with Santa hats, and gargantuan snow globes should be taking over the neighborhood in approximately two weeks. Someone just burn my retinas now.
   
2. Bras. I am hating them right now. Working from home has turned me into a spoiled, braless happy person. I have to really suck it up when I have to go out in society now, because hey, it's cold and kind of hard to sneak out without one.
   
3. The word 'scalp'.
   
4. People who say things like "Oh, you just wait. You'll see!"" when referring to some way in which they think they are superior for having had the lustre dulled on their plate of life, and in order to validate that it's okay (instead of just minding their own business), they feel the need to pound into your head that any hope of you being an individual with different outcomes than they have is completely ridiculous. THEY ARE WISER AND KNOW WHAT'S WHAT, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!? And you are but a silly child who must be taught how to accept and look forward to these disappointments. For example, "You just wait until you have kids. Then you'll realize how (insert random idea of how you'd like to live your own life when you have children) is just not realistic. You'll change your mind, believe me.". Or, on a much lighter note, I hate "You just wait until you're married long enough. You'll realize that peeing in front of your spouse is NO BIG DEAL." Um. Hello. Have you just met me? Obviously, because otherwise you would know that there is no way in hell that this chick will ever ever take a pee in front of her husband. Okay, maybe only if my life were at stake or we were prisoners in a hostage situation. Other than that, I would rather squeeze it shut until I turn purple than pee with my husband in or near the bathroom. Besides, I've been married for almost 10 years. It's not like we just met and I'm shy. Just because you gave up for whatever reason that is completely your business or plain old don't think it's a big deal really means Zero to me. I am, and shall always be, a private pee...er.
   
5. Lots of ice in a drink.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. People who still curl their bangs. Um. Stop it. Do you hear me?
   
2. This Hannah Montana thing. I finally made myself stop on television the other day to see a few minutes of this show. Is she Hannah Montana? Is she Miley? Is that hair really hers? Does she do something so fantastic that I just don't understand? Does she smoke menthols to get that husky voice? Perhaps my limited exposure (thank God) is keeping me from getting the picture.
   
3. Adults who still eat that canned fruit cocktail we got in school lunches. Ew.
   
4. Wet erase markers. Why? Why would you want to do that, when dry erase is OUT THERE, all easy and not making you have to go to the sink and find a towel and walk all the way back, wipe, and then try to wipe again to get rid of all those pale-ish wet droplets? Dry erase markers have SPONGY TIPS now, you guys. All you have to do is turn it around. Come on.
   
5. Two words. Amy. Winehouse. wtf?

*See previous Some Things Friday lists here.

technorati tags: Taye Diggs, Hannah Montana

Some Things Friday #65: I Can't Believe I've Gone 4 Months Without Giving You a Some Things List (shame!)

Some Things I Love:

1. A breeze blowing through an open window.
   
2. Soft, cozy clothes to be lazy in.
   
3. The naked vegetarian burrito with black beans, cilantro rice, salsa verde, extra pico, guacamole and cheese at Qdoba. mmm...
   
4. Black nail polish.
   
5. Italian singers from the 50's and 60's like Dean Martin and Louis Prima. Here, enjoy some Friday Happy: (p.s. - your feed readers won't show you the video below)
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. When the left turn signal at a light skips me.
   
2. Meatballs.
   
3. That I haven't started running again yet. Um, yeah, I think the excuse of it being too hot outside flew out the window when it went from being 90 degrees at night to 61 right now. That's PERFECT burning-off-your-ass weather. See? SO perfect:

   
   (p.s. - Saturday? 67? WHOOT.)
   

4. The word 'deodorant'.
   
5. Shuffling cards. Too much pressure to do the smoothest and fastest shuffle each time. I simply can't live up to those expectations.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Why some guys who will never spend a single day in the "wilderness" or even outside of town for more than 30 minutes still feel the need to carry a pocketknife every single day.
   
2. Julie Chen's head-to-body ratio. 'Tis frightening.
   
   
3. Why the cat has to come up to lay by my head at night right after he's done pooping.
   
4. Which way am I supposed to turn the humidity control tab on my vegetable drawer in the refrigerator? Does high mean high control? Or high humidity? Because things have been getting mushy in there lately very fast no matter which way we move it. grrr...it makes me frustrated.
   
5. Why I always remember how thirsty I am when I have no water near me to drink.

technorati tags: Dean Martin, Louis Prima, Julie Chen,

Some Things Friday #64: Feeling Depressed About Love Edition

Some Things I Love:

1. Exploring
   
2. Affection
   
3. Laughter
   
4. Intimacy
   
5. Playfulness

Some Things I Hate:

1. Living to work, but forgetting to live
   
2. Angry emails
   
3. The silent treatment
   
4. Assumptions
   
5. Lack of awareness

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Resistance to joy
   
2. Settling for numbness
   
3. Forgetting the value of a happy memory
   
4. Ignoring life's possibilities
   
5. Not having the desire to make it better

Some Things Friday #63: Eye Candy and Butter

Some Things I Love:

1. Husbands who bravely attempt yoga with their wives and Rodney Yee at night. Humorous, let me tell you.
   
2. That soon we'll be able to again make fun of the neighbor who mows after work in his dress pants and shoes. When he doesn't do it after work, he does it in short-shorts...and JOGS it.
   
3. Slip-on shoes. Who wants to TIE things? Not this lazy girl.
   
4. Those half-sized shopping carts at Meijer. The Husband says it makes him feel like he's riding the Short Bus, but whatever. And BONUS, they keep me from buying more than what fits in them.
   
5. This week's Friday Hottie: (please prepare yourselves ladies, as this almost makes me want to cry) Italian soccer player Luca Toni
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. Crumbs in the butter OHMYGOD.
   
2. That there are people who are the most socially and emotionally retarded you've ever met who still manage to make an indecent amount of money, even though it should almost be illegal for them to be entrusted with it.
   
3. Foggy contact lenses. Argh.
   
4. Brazil nuts.
   
5. Being so clumsy that when The Husband hears my daily or multi-daily "Ouch!", he doesn't even exert the energy to ask anymore...not unless there is follow-up noise for at least 20 seconds.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. The randomness of having Kevin Bacon in those Hanes commercials.
   
2. What made the first person who ever cut into an onion and became teary-eyed in SHEER PAIN say to themselves..."you know, I bet THIS would be a good thing to put in my mouth"? Brave, brave. But thank God for that individual. Because mmmm...
   
3. Those who think Whoopie Cushions are hilarious.
   
4. 98% of the items in Victoria's Secret. Who is wearing this?
   
5. Why grownups can't have recess.

technorati tags: Luca Toni

Some Things Friday #62: Purse-Whacking

*Don't miss the video at the VERY end of my dog that needs therapy.

Some Things I Love:

1. Lots of words that start with 'V'. For example...velour, vast, vanquish, velvet, vista, vampire, vilify, valiant... One of the exceptions to this rule? Vagina.
   
2. Soft, fluffy IKEA Flokati rugs. I would like to take a nap all over one. Right now.
   
3. Egyptian and other ancient art...it captivates me.
   
   Check out some of the permanent collection features at the Met.
   
4. Little food with toothpicks in it. Preferably colored toothpicks. More preferably, green.
   
5. Friday Hot Little Number of the Week: Ryan Dimple-icious Reynolds (mrawr)
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. Jell-O with pineapple in it. Or grapes. Or oranges. Or any fruit except for the glorious strawberry.
   
2. The cars with the blinkers that go reallyreallyreallyfast! like they're on crack.
   
3. Living in a subdivision - either give me hermitage in the country or the life-buzz of city dwelling, I'm so weary of this annoying dullness.
   
4. Thinking your period has stopped for an entire day, and then realizing suddenly the next day when you get back to work from lunch that no, it has, in fact, NOT. Then you have to go into the communal "special drawer" of storage in the bathroom and steal from someone else's stash. And it's not your brand. And you really like your brand. So the afternoon kind of sucks.
   
5. This commercial. The Husband came into the room last night to find out why I was suddenly crying with accompanying sobbing noises (I'm sorry, I was a little bit tired), and all I could tell him was to rewind the television. He watched it and said "Great, thanks. That was depressing." What can I say, we're suckers for a pouty face. And then we looked at our three and he said "...and just look how YOU GUYS don't appreciate us."
   

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Why so many people love Larry the Cable Guy. (On a side note, the next person I hear say "Git 'r done!" is going to get whacked by my purse, old-bitchy-lady-style.)
   
   
2. Why everyone in the media is suddenly acting like Anna Nicole Smith was some sort of beloved American icon who we want to obsess over a month after her death. What's with the weird montages and the emotional backstories? I know it's very sad, and I know it's a trainwreck, but haven't we already seen enough? Does her life and what she did with it really warrant all of this?
   
3. People with Micky Mouse heads on top of their car antennas.
   
4. The appeal of the cold soup.
   
5. I've shown you this before (well, not this particular video, as this just literally happened two minutes ago), but I have no idea what Lucy's problem with the stairs is when she does this. As you will see, several times all she'd have to do is just OPEN HER MOUTH and take the toy off the step, but apparently that is too, oh I don't know...SCARY.
   (p.s. turn on your speakers)
   
   

Some Things Friday #61: Lucy's Edition

Lucy is very opinionated and a touch bitchy even at times (OH, DO NOT LET THE FACE FOOL YOU), but I love her. She is the only other girl in the house and we share a very special, although a bit codependent, bond. So when she told me that she wanted to do this week's Some Things list, how could I refuse her? And so...you should read the following as if Lucy had typed it, because she totally tried, but her toenails kept getting stuck in between the keys.
Some Things I Love:

1. squeaky firehose toy...hold on...ohmi--ohmigod where IS IT?!?
   
2. chewing on my feet
   
3. mommy's lap
   
4. cucumbers
   
5. flirting with my brothers ...what?

Some Things I Hate:

1. the vaccuum cleaner....i think it's trying to suck out my brain
   
2. the blowdryer...i think it's trying to melt my brain
   
3. ricky is a mommy-hog
   
4. mommy has these ridiculous little songs for each of us (me, my two stupid brothers, and that other furry thing with a long tail who poops in a box). and like, a KAMILLION nicknames that are so very embarrassing, like "Tiny Head" and "Woo Pie" and "Butt Munch". GOD.
   
5. running bathwater...i think she's trying to drown my brain

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. why did you stop playing with me? wait! i'm not tired yet! don't you love me anymore?
   
2. why i can't quite manage to get to that spot in my...uh...area
   
3. so what is the big deal? i tried telling you once, you wouldn't wake up, and the carpet is RIGHT HERE so...?
   
4. humans who do not think i'm prettifabulous
   
5. the swiffer sweeper...i'm not sure but i think if i get too close it's going to stuff me in a bag and shake me real hard.

Some Things Friday #60: Christmas Edition

Warning: The end of this post may scorch your retinas. You have been cautioned. Now proceed.

Some Things I Love:

1. Yum. I get to look at Young Jimmy as often as I like and it doesn't seem weird. ...right?
   
   
2. Bob Hope Christmas specials. Remember those? *sigh* I had such love for him when I was little. Funny men have always been the complete package for me.
   
3. The food, the food, OH MY GOD THE FOOD.
   
4. Stockings! Aren't the most FUN things always in the stockings?
   
5. The Alastair Sim as Scrooge version of A Christmas Carol. The. Best. Hands down. ...Followed closely by the one with The Fonz as Scrooge.
   Oh you guys, I KID. About Arthur Fonzarelli, that is. Trust me. I've seen it.

   

Some Things I Hate:

1. I have never been sledding. Or tobogganing. I know, can you believe this?!? Are you sad for me? Or is it not really as fun as I think it is?
   
2. Women wearing stuffed antlers to the mall. I ask you...do you LOOK at yourself in the mirror before you go out into The World like that?
   
3. Lines. Lines. Lines. Beh.
   
4. Beaded, sequined, or otherwise horridly-enhanced sweatshirts, which seem to be oddly widespread and accepted this time of year.
   
5. That at Christmastime, Whitney Houston gets radio airplay. And all I can think of is her in that stupid headband when I hear it. And Good God, why would you ever choose to look like this
   
   when you can look like this?
   
   I certainly hope this new healthy, Bobby-free lifestyle takes this time. Holy crap.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Holy high price for a beefstick and brick of processed cheese, Batman!
   
2. The bitchy old lady who tried to bully me out of my parking spot tonight at Target by approaching the lane from opposite me and turning her blinker on to get into the same spot that I was already sitting, BLINKER CLICKING, waiting for...and not moving until I actually had to veer into the spot before she cut me off. HELLO, I HAVE A SCRATCHY THROAT AND IT IS RAINING AND I AM EXHAUSTED BACK OFF GRANNY. To top it off, she had those stupid Christmas bulb earrings on (I saw as she passed). Now that is just contradictory. Which is it...are you in a ridonculously Christmas-like mood or are you a scroogy old buttface out to be mean to me? HMMM?!?
   
3. Why is it that even the most SNOBALICIOUS of neighborhoods, where you get "friendly reminders" from the homeowner's board to let you know how important it is to bring in your garbage can as soon as possible after the trash man comes, and how to make sure your lawn looks well-cut at all times, it is somehow deemed appropriate and FUN! to put huge inflatable figures of snowmen, bears, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS (I saw one of these in our subdivision tonight, in fact), and more on your lawn at Christmastime? Is Christmas like a hall pass to be tacky? I suppose it must be.
   
4. Why The Husband won't take me out for a late-night game of Stab the Inflatables around the neighborhood. It sounded like fun to ME.
   
5. Is this hot? Did I not get the memo? Should I wear this to the grandparents' house on Christmas Day? I'm so confused right now.
   

technorati tags: Christmas, holidays,

Some Things Friday #59: Seinfeld-Themed

Because, come on. It's comedy gold...NAY, platinum!

Some Things I Love:

1. Cashmere.
   
2. Marble Rye.
   
3. Massage chairs.
   
4. Big salads.
   
5. Feats of strength.

Some Things I Hate:

1. Newman!
   
2. Man-hands.
   
3. Anyone who ever had a pony.
   
4. Mutton.
   
5. Puffy shirts.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Why didn't I get a Christmas card?
   
2. Face-painters.
   
3. Clowns.
   
4. Shrinkage.
   
5. How could anyone not love a Junior Mint?

technorati tags: Seinfeld