Sarcomical

Some Things Friday #59: Seinfeld-Themed

Because, come on. It's comedy gold...NAY, platinum!

Some Things I Love:

1. Cashmere.
   
2. Marble Rye.
   
3. Massage chairs.
   
4. Big salads.
   
5. Feats of strength.

Some Things I Hate:

1. Newman!
   
2. Man-hands.
   
3. Anyone who ever had a pony.
   
4. Mutton.
   
5. Puffy shirts.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Why didn't I get a Christmas card?
   
2. Face-painters.
   
3. Clowns.
   
4. Shrinkage.
   
5. How could anyone not love a Junior Mint?

technorati tags: Seinfeld

Some Things Friday #58: There's Another Dog Picture at the End

(Hey, can you all see the new design? If not, hit refresh.)

Some Things I Love:

1. Pumpkins! Oh, pumpkins! Pumpkin pie? Sure! Roasted Pumpkin Seeds? Hell yeah! Pumpkin Patches? Stop. Stop it now. I can't handle it.
   *Bending almost in half with my butt probably hanging out over a 4 ½-foot tall cardboard box in the grocery store digging through huge pumpkins just so that I could get two of similar shape and bulk from the bottom to put in front of my door, while The Husband wished himself far away from the produce section before someone saw his wife take a dive into the box 'o pumpkins?* You'd better fucking believe it.
   
2. That I don't have to use calculus in my everyday life. Complex math gives me the same feeling as I imagine being zipped inside a duffel bag with a squirrel and placed inside a dark closet would.
   
3. That kids are a true source of original humor, like when my niece asked me if I was growing bananas in my garden.
   
4. Thao Nguyen: Like the Linen, folks. I'm telling you. Believe me. (Click the link to go to her home page, the album to go to her MySpace page.)
   
   
5. Watching LOST's Scrumptious Bad Boy: Josh Holloway
   (p.s. - the short hair? HOTTT!)
   
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. That my husband hates pumpkin pie. It's true. You can console me if you wish.
   
2. The monstrous spiders lurking right outside our back door, just waiting to jump on me, that obviousy were part of some secret government experiment gone wrong when they fell into the vat of Ginormous Growth and Fuzz Hormone and then climbed out, got in their Hummers, and drove to my house.
   
3. Charlie Sheen. ...Yeah, I'm pretty sure I hate Charlie Sheen.
   
4. Changing the batteries on anything. I've been known to let a clock go for months at a time just because I didn't feel like changing the batteries. Every time I look at something that has to have its batteries changed I get irritated and resentful because it feels like such a waste of time to leave the room for batteries. I like to wait until fate puts the batteries in my vicinity, such is my laziness in this area.
   
5. Burning my tongue because I'm too impatient to blow on my food. I want to taste NOW! *ouch*

Some Things I Just Don't Get

1. Why I LITERALLY WOKE UP with the song from the fictional musical from Seinfeld in my head and it WOULD NOT GO AWAY. ♪ "Ooone girl's erotic journey from Milan to Minsk - ...Rochelle! Rochelle!" ♪ It was resonating in my brain for at least an hour and a half.
   
2. That when it finally DID go away it was because "Unbreak My Heart" by sexy songstress Toni Braxton took its place. Please trust me. I would not have done this willingly.
   
3. Why the media is out to KILL Those Who Would Be Vaughniston.
   
   
4. Is there still a market for 70's easy listening radio?
   
5. Why I call Ricky 'booger'. I really hate that word...it is digusting and EW. And yet, I can not help myself. It just comes out. That is what he is most often reduced to. My Little Booger. Well, actually it comes out more like My Little Buggah. *shudder*
   

technorati tags: Thao Nguyen,

Some Things Friday #57: It's those Damn Bratz

This week's list will not include 5 witty and humorous things that I love.

Nor will it include 5 equally fabulous observations about things I don't get.

Because this week, it's all about Those Who Incite a Raging and Crackling Fire of Hatred In My Otherwise Easygoing Heart (T.W.I.A.R.F.O.H.I.M.O.E.H.). Oh. I think you know who they are. Those vile, shameless Bratz Dolls. I think they are attempting to take over and insert themselves into all unsuspecting parts of society. And I hate them.

Some Things I Hate About T.W.I.A.R.F.O.H.I.M.O.E.H.:

• Because you need a place to put all of the pictures of you in your belly shirt and that note the boy passed you in class the other day that said: "ur rack looks totally sweet lets hook up after school".
  
  
  
• You want to know what I said to The Husband when I came home and showed this one to him? "WHY IS THIS BABY WEARING CROTCHIE PANTIES?"
  
  
  
• Oh. No. They. Didn't.
  How DARE they?!? Not the BOPIT! Noooo!
  
  
  
• Hey, at least they're teaching girls it's good to play sports!
  ...Oh wait. That's more like an exotic dancer's interpretation of a basketball uniform, isn't it? Oops.
  
  
  
• A puzzle AND stickers?!? SCORE!
  
  
  
• Her box says she's bendy. Bendy? BENDY?!?
  
  
  
• Hmmm...I just can't help but think some thought went into appealing to the Perv Population on this one. Come on. Twins?
  
  
  
• What?
  Didn't you carry your baby bottle around your neck on a chain as a child?
  In your crotchie panties?
  
  
  
• Wow, how totally artistic.
  
  
  
• This reminded me of something...what was it?
  

  ...oh yeah. This:
  

Some Things Friday #56: "Why Not?" Indeed...

Some Things I Love:

1. Chocolate Pudding. Not that crap pudding in the plastic cups. We're talking the pudding my mom used to make, set in the refrigerator for a few hours, then pour into green, fluted Ice Cream Fountain-esque glasses with layers of whipped cream interspersed between said killer pudding. *sigh*
   
2. Fuzzy slippers.
   
3. The words "sumptuous", "douse", and "fluffy".
   
4. All things FLANNEL! And the chill in the night air is making me excited about not only wearing FLANNEL PAJAMAS! but unearthing the FLANNEL SHEETS! because FLANNEL IS THE SHIT.
   
5. Friday Hottie Christian Bale. Mmmm, Mr. Bale. I've rediscovered your hotness in the darkness of the theater during previews for "The Prestige" where, I must say, you're looking...all right I guess. I mean, whatever. You're okay. Excuse me just one moment, will you? I have to go vaporize into steamy lust in private. *OhmiGOD*
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. That I can't dive off a diving board. No way in hell I'm a) getting all the way up there without crying on the inside and b) doing anything fancy off of it - I'm going back down that ladder, you bully.
   
2. That Fuzzy-Teeth feeling you get after having hot chocolate or a mocha-anything. It's so damn gross.
   
3. The words "jazzy", "plexiglass", and "masticate".
   
4. That I did NOT want to like Men In Trees, but I do anyway. Anne Heche is a big obstacle for my brain to hurdle over, yet somehow...through the clever (albeit PUN-laden, which should come as no surprise since there's a Sex and the City influence) writing and strong supporting characters, it has. Dammit. (p.s. - this "Jack" guy is kind of...hot, by God.)
   
5. How when you eat almonds, you always find bits of the skin in between your teeth afterward.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Ice Fishing. Someone want to clue me in on the appeal there? I'm open to explanation.
   
2. Why would anyone like SWEET PICKLES? The horror. The gagging horror.
   
3. Why Blackjack dealers wear those bowties.
   
   
4. Curves commercials. I mean, I don't take issue with the concept of the ladies'-only gyms themselves, but those commercials...aren't cool. I mean, "This Little Light of Mine" as a GYM THEME SONG? I...don't...think so.
   
5. Is this supposed to be enticing to people? REALLY?
   
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technorati tags: Christian Bale, The Prestige, Men in Trees

Some Things Friday #55: Y.A.G.

Some Things I Love:

1. You know you want him. Friday Hottie: Young Andy Garcia.
   Girls, do not say anything bad about him or I will smack you until you cry. Do NOT try to tell me that Young Andy Garcia isn't hot enough to melt your eyeballs. Are you looking at me, Y.A.G.? If you keep giving me that steamy gaze I'm going to ooze into a puddle on my chair. What? Oh, yeah, The Husband knows about you and me and he's cool...he's cool. I swear. ...Oh, hi there reader. I'll be honest...I got all twitterpated just doing the search for these photos. He could seriously kill me dead with those dark pools of sexiness in his eyes. Oh, Y.A.G., you complete me.
   
2. Big blocks of cheese.
   
3. The Big Night soundtrack. (And the movie too, in case you haven't seen it.) It makes me want to make something with mozzarella and tomatoes, all messy-like while dancing around in an apron tossing oregano into everything, and then make out after having a bunch of wine.
   
4. Baby penguins. The regular-sized ones are a little creepy.
   
5. Guayaki Mate Chocolatté tea. I'm drinking a double-dose right now, and I'm already feeling less Lazy Ass, more Badass.

Some Things I Hate:

1. The plastic reindeer with lights that people put out at Christmastime. Any of those white plastic things, really. I kind of want to sneak into your yard and smash them with something.
   
   
2. That my ass is incredibly sore after yesterday's workout. Sitting isn't supposed to hurt.
   
3. Ricky ate my shoe. From my only pair of black shoes suitable for work in the cold weather. That I liked. Which is bad on two levels. One, BAD DOG! VERY BAD DOG! and two, I probably needed those shoes soon because if I can't figure out a way to make some more money I'm going back into office life shortly. RICKY!!! Anyway, I need to be more enterprising very soon. Ideas, people?
   
4. That hold-your-hands-over-someone-else's-and-see-if-they-can-slap-you game. I don't ever win that game. I hate to lose. I hate that game.
   
5. Watching Richard Dreyfuss act in anything. I don't know what it is. (Well, except for What About Bob, which, come on. "Baby steps! Baby steps to the elevator!")

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Why men act like we should be very excited about our own boobs. As if we should walk around holding them all the time and be as in awe of them as they are. When really? meh.
   
2. Young girls who wear large fake engagement-sized rings even after their fingers start to turn green.
   
3. That The Husband gets a sudden case of Voice Modulation Inability (kind of like that SNL skit), in the movie theater. Honest to God, he'll blurt something outloud every once in a while just like he would at home instead of whispering it in the Worldwide Accepted Movie Whisper Mode. And when I follow the rules of the Worldwide Accepted Movie Whisper Mode, he won't turn his head to read my lips or lean in to listen like you are supposed to.
   
4. Egg salad. It's gross and jiggly and creamy and makes me scared. It's one of the things I told Pauly in response to his recent post that I wouldn't eat if someone offered it to me. Is it really that good? Why do other people keep eating it?
   
5. Why I have to rack my brain trying to think of another thing I don't get this week. I don't want to. So I'll just leave you with this - Ricky the Shoe-Eater on the crappy dog-abused couch in the loft, apparently multi-tasking his chewing duties with his Neighbor-Child Obsession duties:
   

Some Things Friday #54: Well Done, Grasshopper. ...Wait. There's A Damned Grasshopper Here? See Ya.

Some Things I Love:

1. The words "marshmallow", "sassafrass", and "palpitate".
   
2. God help me, I love that new Christina Aguilera song, Ain't No Other Man. I figure there's GOT to be less shame in that than liking anything by Jessica Simpson or Beyoncé, so I'm going to fly my Christina-hearting flag proudly, by God.
   
3. Quiet, cool, drizzly afternoons when I have nowhere to be and nothing to do, and I can open up the windows and hear the sound of the windchimes on the porch and tires crackling on the wet pavement in our little cul-de-sac. Today's kind of like that. And I'm a little happy inside that I can feel a touch of Fall in the air.
   
4. Hot Sauce on pizza. I know. But it's the only way I can eat it now. I have to do it. I must. I am powerless against The Wicked Cayenne.
   
5. The new Lime Network. It's gotten me back into yoga (I keep the TV on above my desk every morning and when Yoga Zone comes on, I stop, flop out my mat, and go - there's no excuse not to so it works for me), and the little bits of advice sprinkled throughout the day from Rodney Yee are great.

Some Things I Hate:

1. The words "juicy", "factoid" and "stringent".
   
2. That inevitable moment when the light bulb in your closet goes out. Because it is a PAIN IN THE ASS to get up there and change it, don't you think? I'll sometimes avoid the process for weeks and just get dressed in the dark. Because yes, that' just how lazy this girl is, I'm sorry to break it to you.
   
3. See-Saws. When I was little, I had one too many see-saw partners either get off too fast (causing my poor little ass to slam down onto the ground) or decide to torture me and stay down on the ground holding me up at the top (which, come on you know how I feel about heights). Those were what I'd call BAD EXPERIENCES.
   
4. That my husband, being 6'6", is far too much bigger than me to be able to lend me his clothes. I have this tiny little bit of me that's BITTER that I can't wear any of his tshirts or casually throw on a sweater when I get chilly. Nothing is even "cutely big", either. It always looks instead that I am Alice In Wonderland and I just drank the bottle that said "Drink Me" and have quickly shrunk down 4 sizes.
   
5. Grasshoppers. If you're, say, getting some tomatoes out of your garden and you happen upon one hiding like a sneaky bastard and then it just keeps STARING AT YOU from its wonky eye...you just might feel frozen in your footsteps and want to cry for help. ...Not that I would know, of course.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. People who put wreaths on the grills of their vehicles at Christmastime.
   
2. Ben Affleck as Old Hollywood's Superman? ...Let's just say I have my doubts.
   
3. Do all harpists have to own trailers so they can get their harps to their gigs?
   
4. That there's a whole Skiing Culture out there, full of people who marvel incredulously "You've never been SKIING before?!?" No. I have not. And I have no plans to ski in the future. I'm quite clumsy enough when I walk on packed snow with regular shoes on. I can't imagine the medical emergencies that would be made possible by adding me and skis and snow and SPEED together.
   
5. Clothing with holes where they shouldn't be, i.e. toeless socks, fingerless mittens, crotchless underwear, etc. It all makes me equally uncomfortable.

Some Things Friday # 53: If You Don't See the End You've Missed the Best Part (I'm Serious)

(Seriously, make it to the end and you'll be rewarded. Grandly.)

Some Things I Love:

1. French accordion music.
   
2. Rubbing my puppies' ears. They're so soft. It soothes me.
   
3. Root beer floats, baby. The foamier, the better. Did you know there's an A&W Root Beer Stand/KFC (yes, that's a "slash KFC" because someone thinks chicken and root beer mix well) near our house? By the way, if you use Barq's instead of A&W you are a freedom-hating psycho who wants the terrorists to win because all Freedom Lovers drink A&W. Barq's sucks ass. Oh no. I've tripped my "Must Have a Float" wire inside my brain. Now I'm all obsessing. Shit.
   
   
4. Switching it up and using a bar soap every once in a while in the shower. Blast the shower gels and body washes! You can't get more Old World than bar soap, my little friend.
   
5. Alan Freaking Cumming. I know. I KNOW. Say what you will. You don't have to understand it. You don't have to agree with me. (I'm not sure I understand it, either.) But I think he can be seriously hot and I can't help it. Now, just move along down the list and leave me and Alan alone.
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. Being pissy with The Husband even when I don't really want to. But it's so easy! For instance:
   Him: Okay, so I'm going to go back to work now.
   Me: Yeah. Fine.
   Him: I'll call you later, okay?
   Me: WHAT. the hell EVER.
   Huh???
   
2. Dry foggy goddam contact lenses. *squintsquint* *rubrub*
   
3. Dodo birds. Yeah, they're extinct. But they're ugly. So, BUH-BYE Dodo!
   
   
4. Coconut in chocolate. I hate the texture! It shouldn't be there!
   
5. When the puppy pukes cat shit all over the floor. Oh, I recognized the Puke Smile beforehand and rushed to pick him up. I grabbed. I ran. But I didn't make it. A trail resulted. I had a panic attack. (You do NOT understand how close I was to having a puked-up cat crap strewn about my body.) The Husband had to clean it up (naturally).

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. I only need to give you one today. It will satisfy all your needs. Trust me. This was just after the Ice Mountain guy dropped off our water and was driving away. Wait for it. Waaaiit for it. I don't know why he does this. If this doesn't make you laugh then YOU MUST BE DEAD. Be prepared. The cuteness and freakiness just might render you unconscious.

   
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Some Things Friday #52: The Shortest One EVER

People, do you know what time it is?!? Four fucking thirty in the morning, is what it is.

Sorry. Sleep-deprived swearing?

And I'm frantically trying to finish up some work so I can lay down for about an hour before we have to leave to go here for the weekend for a family wedding. (Yes, that's REALLY what this place is called.) Oh, and we're driving. For SEVEN DAMNED HOURS. But then? We have to take a 2-hour ferry boat ride to the island. During which I will feel disgusting and very very crabby. Did I mention, my wee puppies are going to have to stay in a stupid boarding facility with no mommy to cuddle them at night?

So since I'm very very tired and will probably wait to sleep in the car, here is the fastest Some Things List to Date on Sarcomical. One word each is all you get, got it? ONE, DAMMIT!

Some Things I Love:

1. Sleeping
   
2. Him
   
3. This
   
4. Pajamas
   
5. Sleeping

Some Things I Hate:

1. AssRabbits
   
2. This
   
3. Sneezing
   
4. Him
   
5. Mornings

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Giraffes
   
2. This
   
3. Sumo
   
4. Contortionists
   
5. This (Wait for the ending.)

Some Things Friday #51: Celebrity Couples Edition

Not only am I taking it upon myself to mock the celeb Combo-Name monickers forced upon us by the media, but I'm making up some of my OWN. Take THAT, beyatches. And they are RIDICULOUS.

Some Couples I Love/Think Are Almost Too Cute To Live:

• Trita/CastaRita
  
  
• KyKev/Fat-Free Bacon
  
  
• BroderSex/Carrie BradBueller
  
  
• Coldplyneth
  
  
• Pravolta/Jelly/Greased Kelly
  

Some Couples I Hate/That Make Me Want to Puke:

• TomKatchabirthingpod
  
  
• BobbinforCrack/WhitnoBobby
  
  
• Brangebabycrazy/Brangeblech
  
  
• Camerustin/TimberDitzy
  
  
• FederUgh/Britnojustno/FederBillies
  

Some Couples I Just Don't Get/Kind of Don't Want to Look At:

• Indiana Bones/Ally McGeezer
  
  
• DemiTool/Kuchemoore
  
  
• Guyballah
  
  
• Bennifer 2/JenniLoser
  
  
• HoboHudson
  

Some Things Friday #50: Bananas, Honker, & Pie

Some Things I Love:

1. The smell of the air right before it rains.
   
2. People who can incorporate a Shooter McGavin reference effortlessly into a conversation.
   
3. Cupcakes
   
4. That my 3 1/2-year old niece, when I told her I have a garden this summer (and per her request was telling her what was in it), asked me "Hey, and are you growin' bananas?"
   
5. My Just-Turned 31 Husband. Happy Birthday, Baby! And OMG, how cute are you with that Mork from Ork doll at age 5? Aww...
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. Creepy animation like Corpse Bride and The Nightmare Before Christmas.
   
2. When women match their eyeshadow with their shirts.
   
3. Going to bed and realizing how THIRSTY I am but being too tired and lazy to get up and haul my ass downstairs to refill my glass, so I lay there tortured and conflicted...oh just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm in the desert.
   
4. Fuzzy spiders that LOOK AT YOU. Ohmigod, I'm going to scream.
   
5. Ashlee Simpson and her stupid new nose.
   

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. There's a squirrel behind our house with a hairless tail. Honest to God. Other than that, it looks like a regular squirrel. My husband thinks it's some Freak Rat/Squirrel Cross Mutant. Did it have a bushy tail at one time and get it caught in something? Do young squirrels not have furry tails? Is it a Terrorist-Bred Weapon that's going to slither into our garage one day with its Rat Tail and then sneak into our house under our feet when we aren't looking and strangle us with its Unholy Appendage while we're sleeping?!?
   
2. Why do the people in vaccuum cleaner commercials have SO MUCH CRAP on their floors? Um, an entire pot of dirt? Twigs and leaves? Half a box of cereal??? Piles of paper confetti?!!? What is going on in these houses? *sigh* My house is boring.
   
3. The appeal of owning a snake. Umm...ACK. *shudder*
   
4. How do people our age with no kids meet new friends? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
   
5. Is there ANYONE in the world who doesn't like pie and ice cream? I can't imagine such a thing. That would be so sad.

Some Things Friday #49: Celebrity Edition

Some People I Love:

1. I admit to the cliché wholeheartedly. I LOVE Lucy. A GENIUS, that woman. And daaaaamn, girl. Who knew you could be so sexaaay?
   
   
2. Come on. Anyone who doesn't love him can exit quietly. If you're not with Jerry you're against us. And then the terrorists will win.
   
   
3. It's because he's Harry. Beautiful, beautiful Harry. And I've loved him for almost 15 years, so it doesn't matter how many mediocre-sounding akward albums he puts out in between the incredible ones. I love, love, LOVE. And p.s. - he smells good. I know because as I keep telling you I hugged him during a FABULOUS moment that I also keep promising to tell you about. Which I will. But not today.
   
   
4. I. Can't. Help. My. Self.
   
   
5. I love that she says "fellow" as in "he's such a nice-looking fellow" and that she's made her looks work for her as she's grown older. And she always seems so freaking polite. It's sweet and refreshing.
   

Some People I Hate (or let's just say have a Strong Distaste for):

1. Do I need to explain ALL THE REASONS WHY?
   
   
2. I liked it better when she WASN'T a slutty over-processed version of herself. And even then...I don't know. But I want her to GO AWAY.
   
   
3. Something about him just says "icky" to me.
   
   
4. I just can't stand this guy.
   
   
5. His mouth. OH MY GOD HIS MOUTH. It is disgusting. I can't look at him. The way he contorts like a circus freak while he's singing....it's hideous. You CANNOT miss clicking on that third pic. (This is John Mayer for those of you who were wondering...)
   

Some People I Just Don't Get:

1. She is entirely and creepily too mature for her age. And how is it that this child can scare the SHIT out of me in a movie? Talented, for sure, but a little strange. And why the hell does she have to look so happy on that freak's shoulders? ICK.
   
   
2. The magic comes, the magic goes. One decade brilliant, another flat and boring as hell. Ah Woody, you are a mystery.
   
   
3. When you can look as good as she seems to be able to, and, you know, FUNCTION IN SOCIETY and whatnot, I just don't get it...
   
   
4. How does she still look this good? HOW?!? I want to know what she does so I can start doing it IMMEDIATELY.
   
   
5. I'm scared of Burt's new face.
   

Some Things Friday #48: Yes, I Said "Oh Snap"

Some Things I Love:

1. Double-dipping. Don't invite me to your house and present me with chips and salsa if you're going to be an ass about the double-dipping. I. Can't. Help. My. Self.
   
2. Palm trees. Oh God, I need a vacation. Anyone know of any good, inexpensive houses to stay in somewhere a bit more, um, TROPICAL than goddam Indiana? Anyone? ...Anyone?
   
3. The Softies. I can listen to their CD's for hours. Just a real nice sort of jangle feel, mellow and easy. Check out their website, and also listen to some of their music on Amazon here.
   
   
4. Bella il Fiore's cute little patent leather Eye Essentials Kit. I love it, love it, LOVE IT. Especially for keeping handy when I want to obsessively pluck my eyebrows with the aid of the perfect-sized mirror inside. Consider that my product recommendation to you for the week.
   
   
5. The Friday Sort-of-a-Hottie, Michael Chiarello. Okay, so YES, he is a chef on the Food Network. So he's not the MOST masculine. Perhaps I've been watching waaaaay too much Food Network ever since I've gotten on my cooking kick, but I just LOVE the way he describes his food. ...Something about a man who can make a reduction and always knows what wine to serve with dinner...he can come cook at my house anytime. *mini-rawr*
   
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. Itchy bras.
   
2. Neighbor boys who think they are ALL KINDS OF AWESOME for riding their little scooters *eeeeeeee* up and down and up and down and UP AND OH MY GOD DOWN the cul-de-sac *eeeeeeeee* and the THREE DOGS in my house go hella crazy and smoosh their noses on the glass of the windows and front door and YELP TO HIGH HEAVEN until said boys decide they're done being awesome. *eeeeeeee* (that's the sound I have to hear all afternoon oh help me)
   
3. Those stupid singing fish plaques. ACK. Do you hate them too? Well, look what I found! (Probably unsafe for work, unless you've got headphones plugged into your speakers - hah!) Much use of a word I don't like, but it captures the hate.
   
4. Deodorant marks on my t-shirt. Freakingfrackingdammit. That is SO unsexy.
   
5. Feet. This has been established here before. Don't make me look at your feet, don't touch me with your feet, don't spend an uncomfortable amount of time looking at mine. But MommaK at Petroville says we all need to do a foot-check to make sure ours are ready for spring. Luckily, I just did a home pedicure last night. Sort of. And (OH GOD, HOLD ME), here are my poor toes. Please, just glance and look away. I'm very uncomfortable with this.
   
   

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. People who say "Oh, I never watched Seinfeld", especially when you drop a line that pretty much EVERYONE on the planet should catch the reference of. Like..."These pretzels are making me THIRSTY!" How could you never ever EVER watch Seinfeld? I am perplexed. And irritated. Someone pat me on the back.
   
2. Why does Tom Cruise have the right to reproduce when so many well-deserving people aren't able to? WHY?!? The universe, it is askew I tell you. ASKEW!
   
3. Why I have to stare at the sweaty crotch-al area of that Drill Sargeant Bitch Delores Munoz in my Killer Butt DVD while I'm working out. Could she have gone with the black pants instead of the brown? Yech. But damn if that isn't one of the best workouts EVER. She does NOT baby you - no little breaks, no "You can do it!". She instead tells you to "Carve it!", "Create your own energy!", "Dig deep!" Good God I HATE her! But she helps me, so I have to obey.
   
   
4. Eggplants. I can't ever like them. Is there something I'm missing? All those seeds, and...GAH.
   
5. Why I can't stop cutting my hair. No, I'm not kidding. This time it's gone. ALL GONE. I like to think of it as a self-cleansing, a starting over so to speak. OH SNAP. Pictures forthcoming.
   

Some Things Friday #47: Just Watch How I GET IN YOUR HEAD at The End

Some Things I Love:
1. Three- or four-day-old popcorn. Oh yes. That stuff is THE SHIT. My sister feels the same way. Do you think it's genetic? Hrrmmm... Something about that stale yumminess. Sometimes, I even make popcorn with the express intention of putting it in a bag for a week so I can enjoy it later.
2. Friday Hottie Ewan McGregor. When his hair's not doing that weird nerdy combover thing. Let me demonstrate:

No Ewan. Bad. Bad, bad, bad. Shame.

...now THAT'S better.

3. Hebrew National hot dogs. I know, I know! The saturated fat! (It's staring right at me on that label!) But every once in a while I. Can't. Help. My. Self.
4. Mind of Mencia has started a new season. The Husband and I bust a gut every. single. time we watch. I love him. I mean, sure some of his subject matter is a bit controversial. But he's being HONEST about racial and social issues. And the boy is SMART as hell. Need to understand why we laugh so hard? Here's your chance - prepare your eyes.
5. Korres Skin Milk. In Bitter Almond and Vanilla Cinnamon. Consider that my product plug for you for the week. Mmmm...

Some Things I Hate:
1. The rest of the cake that is downstairs. YOU EVIL BITCH CAKE. With your fluffy whipped cream cheese icing and your carrot-y, spicy goodness. You taunt me and my PMS-ridden soul. Damn you.
2. Excessive Huggers. Get. Away. From. Me.
3. Crazy-Off-Her-Ass Jade on ANTM. Holy crap. Somebody call the Psycho Police, because there is a serious offender here. Holy crap. If you don't watch, then excuse me while I indulge in my disgust.

4. Waking up to The Husband saying "Hey...Ricky. What are you chewing? WHAT is in your mouth?!? ...Uhh, honey? Ricky was chewing one of his teeth." That's right. It fell out. And then the Nasty Puppy started playing with it. BLECCCHHH!
5. That Antonio Banderas won't go away.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:
1. Why does it make me feel better to SCREAM LIKE A BANSHEE while I step on a spider? I can't just PUT THE PAPER TOWEL ON IT, I have to SQUEAL while I do it. I like to think it gives me courage.
2. Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, someone PLEASE put me out of my misery already and just TELL ME what's going on with LOST. At the end of this week's episode I had a freakout. "WHAT?!? What the hell is going on?!? OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. What does this MEAN?!?" I have since then formed my theory, but it's too long to go into now. If you want to know what it is, you'll have to ask. But you were freaking out too, right?
3. Listen, I am just as sick of her as all of you are. But what the hell HASN'T happened to poor ill-clothed often-incoherent Paula Abdul? Now this? Does this girl have bad karma or what? I guess someone should Straight Up Now Tell Her that we are OVER her. And then she just needs to go home and cuddle up in some pajamas and stay there for a little while.
4. Why? WHY?!? I think I'm going to be sick.
5. Oh my gosh. I COULD NOT get that old "'Tato Skins" jingle to stop running through my head ALL DAY yesterday! Well, now I pass the torch to you. You won't be able to withstand its power. Just try. You'll be emailing me begging for it to stop.

Some Things Friday #46: At Least You'll Have Each Other

Some Things I Love:
1. Friday Hottie Paul Rudd. Oh dear sweet Paul. I recently watched "The Shape of Things" and by the end of it I was reminded of what a fine, fine-looking fellow he is. I mean, sure he has that ability to look goofy and in need of some styling product for his floppy locks at times, but man:

2. Annie Chun's FreshPak Noodle Bowls - especially in Korean Kimchi Soup. rawr. This stuff is killer good. If you have a Meijer, I know you can pick some up there. Other than that, the search is your own. But trust me. It only takes a few minutes and Ohhhhhhhh Yesssssss.

3. Laverne & Shirley. Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated. We're gonna do it!
4. M·A·C Tinted Lip Conditioner. It is SO soft and smells like choco-vanilla. Consider this my product recommendation of the week to you. YUM. (And guys, I didn't forget about you. I got this Jack Black lip balm for my husband and he says it's great.)
5. Flipping the calendar. I'm so freakoid about it that I REFUSE to let myself look at the next month until the very end of the last day of the current month. That way I can fully relish in the ritual that is The Flipping. For example, here's what I've been looking at this month (an old photo of a scene in Paris, which I get to change tonight - oooh, the elation!):

Some Things I Hate:
1. That the SNL Spartan Cheerleaders are no longer on the show. *sigh* I miss them. BUTT buttbuttbutt BUTT buttbuttbutt BUTT buttbuttbutt UUuglYYY! You're butt UUuglYYY! Classic.

2. That I've noticed I've become a Jaw-Clencher lately. I get to the end of the day and realize that my jaw is tense and tight and OW. (I have a theory. But it involves another topic that I'll get to later. And no, it is not dirty, and if you even thought that you need to leave right now. NO. Go. Don't look at me like that. Shame on you.)
3. Being inside on a sunny day.
4. Orange popsicles.
5. People who say "Happy B-Day!" Or "V-Day" (Valentines Day). Or "X-Mas". Gah!

Some Things I Just Don't Get:
1. Why does water after eating fish TASTE SO BAD?
2. Hershey's Kissables. I had some. Let me fill you in on a little secret: THEY'RE M&M's. I don't know. I know they're cuter, but I just think it's a bit repetitive, is all. Pfffft.
3. Lisa Loeb's show "#1 Single". No, I actually kind of like the show. What bugs me is, she is TOO GODDAM CUTE to have problems meeting a guy. If SHE'S having problems then Good God I'm glad I don't have to be single ever again, because Holy Crap. If I were a guy, I'd totally dig her. What's UP? I mean, Helooooo?

4. Are press-on nails still making any money? I'm just saying. *shudder*
5. Is this really a positive toy for a child? I don't know, I thought maybe it was a bit too...suggestive. What do you think?

p.s. My sister's coming with her kids today for the weekend! So I'll probably be incommunicado for the next couple of days. I just didn't want you to get scared. It'll be okay. Hold each other until I get back.

Some Things Friday #45: Dora the ExWhore-er?

Some Things I Love:
1. Wings. Crispy wings. Reeeeally crispy wings. Crispy wings with the Hot Sauce on the side. Oooh, Hot Sauce. And a touch of Blue Cheese dressing on the side. Good God, I just actually salivated inside my mouth. I need to go eat something. Do you want to bring me some wings?
2. Duckpin Bowling, because the balls are small and cute and it's a wee bit easier for me to NOT SUCK. And if you make a crack about that balls comment I'll reach through the screen and slap you.
3. That a whole new cycle of America's Next Top Model has started. Oh yes. I get giddy over the many opportunities to mock those girls. My first reaction?
Nnenna = FREAKING GORGEOUS
Mollie Sue = SO DAMN CUTE
Jade = HATE (Can someone PLEASE shut. her. up?)
4. Patchouli
5. Friday Hottie Matthew McConaughotpantshey. Hey, baby.

Some Things I Hate:
1. Is anyone else as ANNOYED as I am by Gisele's IPEX commercial?
2. Clipping our dog's toenails myself. Or watching my husband do it. Or being in the same room while he does it. There have been...Bleeding Incidents. And that has ruined me.
3. Country music.
4. Anything that sounds like country music.
5. Anything that disguises itself as something else but at its root is STILL country music, dammit, I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR RUSE.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:
1. Funyuns. Hey, I said I didn't get them, I didn't say I haven't ever indulged. And boy, after reading this ingredient listing I'm thinking that wasn't such a good idea. I have this strange urge to do a colon cleanse just thinking of those times I ate them in Jr. High.

2. That President Bush seems to have taken on the attitude that he doesn't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks of him, regardless of his obvious widespread public disapproval. I mean, where are his Image Consultants? If I could have that job I'd tell him to go on Ellen and challenge her to a dance-off. Or to start adding the Quasi-Joke "...that's what SHE said!" á la Michael from The Office after every press question (i.e "Mr. President, is it true that this is the largest defecit in history?" "Heh-heh. That's what SHE said!"). Or to start carrying a puppy with him during public appearances. Because who doesn't like puppies? Sure, these things might not increase his popularity, and they will probably make him look like a bigger asshat, but at least they will make him LESS BORING.
3. Is there any point in going to The Gap anymore? Everything looks exactly the same in there to me. All the time. Blah. Yech.
4. Pro wrestling. But I heart The Rock. I heart him with all the possible hearting a person can. Yet, I still don't get the wrestling thing. Is that actually entertaining?
5. Why my friend SJ thinks Dora the Explorer is a "whore". SJ, please clarify. The Readers want to know. Thank you. ;)

Some Things Friday #44: Shut UP!

Some Things I Love:
1. Friday Hottie: Lenny Kravitz. Oh, man.

...Oh, sorry. For a minute I forgot you were here. My man Lenny and I were just sharing a moment.
2. The words "eclair", "lilt", "fabulous", and "superflous".
3. The sound that I have set up as my feed alert. Every time one of my favorite Friendternets™ updates their blog, this is what I hear. Have you not signed up to subscribe to get notified when I update? Well, damn. Go here. It'll make you 5 times hotter. I swear.
4. Blueberry pie.
5. What Not to Wear. It's like an obsession. I can't get enough of Stacy's "Shut UP!" and the hair and makeup makeovers.

Some Things I Hate:
1. Sofa Beds.
2. The words "bulbous", "flatulence", "horny", and "linoleum".
3. That Joaquin Phoenix is getting screwed at the Oscars. Grrrr...

4. Maxi pads. I never use them. And I hate those damned commercials, too.
5. Ice cream with nuts in it. That's just wrong.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:
1. WHAT is with all the "black-guy-dressed-as-an-old-fat-black-woman" movies?
2. Why is muenster cheese orange on the outside?

3. The point of socks with toes in them. Doesn't that DRIVE YOU CRAZY? It drives me crazy just thinking about it.
4. Why do I keep calling Ricky "Booger"? I HATE that word. What is compelling me to do this?
5. Animal heads mounted on walls. Is this supposed to be cool? Blech.