Someone Said It...

Things they've said that amuse, annoy, or inspire me.

""Oh, really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.""
Harry, When Harry Met Sally

"You know what Marshall needs to do? He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad,
I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story."
Barney, How I Met Your Mother
"The higher I go, the crookeder it becomes."
Michael Corleone, The Godfather Part III
"You know how you said before, how your parents use you to get back at each other? Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?"
John Bender, The Breakfast Club
"I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so from time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] "Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.""
Jim, The Office
"A lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the EMERGENCY BRAKE. It's really not an emergency brake, it's an emergency 'make the car smell funny' lever."
-Late Comedian Mitch Hedberg
"If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like."
-Sam (Natalie Portman), Garden State
"When my mother was pregnant with me, she had an ultrasound and found out she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had RESORBED the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissues made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man AND a little baby."
-Dwight Schrute, The Office
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-Matt Lauer, The Today Show, August 22, 1996
"Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler... "
-Milton Waddams, Office Space
"I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty."
-Carrie, Sex and the City
"Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."
-Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
"You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills."
-Napoleon, Napoleon Dynamite
"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."
-Marie, to Sally When Harry Met Sally
"I want you to rub butter on my foot. ...Pam, PLEASE. I have Country Crock."
-Michael Scott, on The Office, after burning his foot by stepping on a George Foreman grill.
"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."
-George Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch the video.)
"I’m an emotional wreck right now. …Not in a bad way just, you know, I’ll start laughing hysterically and then I’ll just start crying…"
-Britney Spears, Matt Lauer Dateline Interview June 16, 2006
"These pretzels are making me THIRSTY!"
-Elaine Benes, Seinfeld
"Have you ever pooped...a balloon?"
-Dwight Schrute, The Office