Sarcomical

september

finally, we have open-window weather. i feel happiest when September rolls around. whooshing breezes carrying the smell of damp ground, gentle temperatures, crisp evenings, the sense of a relaxed, sighing earth...it makes me grateful for seasons and wistful for places where this happens almost every day. it reminds me of how i felt during our horseback ride in Banff a couple of weeks ago...

the bullet points...

Oh my lord, but the tune never changes. "Hello, wee blog; in the mess you got left behind, so sorry blah blah blah..." Ah, well. Moving along.

Basically, this has been my summer, in progression:

• no SarcomiBebeh
• a bit of yoga
• a few crappy farmers markets
• i need to get out of indiana and this stupid subdivision
• puppy dental surgery
• Florence & The Machine concert
• pescetarian
• i refuse to be consumed/defined merely by my current (non)maternal state
• artistic frustration
• vocation & adoption research
• mindfulness practice
• hey, i feel pretty good about myself
• no SarcomiBebeh yet
• potato chips
• treadmill treadmill treadmill
• obsessive trips to Half Price Books
• Paul McCartney concert
• blissblissbliss
• i hate anyone with a baby
• The Head & The Heart concert
• hell no, i have to give up coffee?!?
• Saturday brunches with The Husband
• Big Brother
• doctor appointments
• excessive highlights
• still no SarcomiBebeh
• ICED VENTI SOY LATTE, please
• depressive movie marathons
• Starbucks pumpkin loaf (i hate the word loaf)
• back to yoga
• adoption research
• i am so tired of thinking about this
• pumpkin loaf
• decision to stay away from IVF & clomid
• return to acupuncturist
• stunning, beautiful, exhausting adventure in Banff, Canada (photos coming)
• back in the routine
• eager to mix up the routine
• [except for the pumpkin loaf]
• acupuncture as well as fertility specialist appointments booked
• workshops at the Writer's Center
• crazy yoga arm balances - this is my year, right?
• determined to be present and fully unafraid of trying everything

• attempts at yoga & treadmill running

and now, for some actual words...

i've been taking the easy way out. i've been posting photos, photos, photos (okay hey, they ARE fun and i do really want to share all of the things we did on our trip) but the truth is there's quite a bit going on here.

or...NOT going on here, in terms of the SarcomiBaby Experiment.

we've been unsuccessfully on a wait-and-see/do-what-we-can-in-the-meantime path since i had The Procedure (laparoscopy) ten months ago. i tried acupuncture for about four months, changed some things in my diet and have kept track of everything ad nauseum. then i moved on to the "aw, screw it" approach after we finally decided that perhaps talking, eating, reading babybabybabystuff 24/7 was not exactly how we wanted to live and may in fact be driving me a little bit over the edge. so we began to obsess less about physical logistics and making sure i was eating/doing/reading/timing/tracking everything to the point of becoming a ball of baby-obsessed nerves that jumped when you looked at it funny...and instead tried to ease up a bit for a few months to allow us step back and regather our serenity.

and so we are here. 35 and 36, kind of freaking out about being over 40 when we have a 5-year old at best. not that there's anything fundamentally objectionable about that for us - i mean, we're the ones who waited until a couple of years ago to really do something about this seriously, but still it does create a bit of a freakout when i read my diary from age 9 where i marveled at my mom turning THIRTY. so...yeah. it feels a bit weird for both of us i suppose since we had such young parents.

and then there's the fact that we're talking adoption. the truth is, even when we were in our 20's and weren't thinking about kids, we both agreed on our mutual interest in adoption someday, whether we had our own children or not, so of course that is becoming a high priority for us as we realize we're probably talking 2-3 years to complete the process. even if we got pregnant before then, i still think we'd want to go through with it. so now here we are at the crux of several very costly and emotional processes, adoption and possibly an attempt at IUI, which i was supposed to have done around january, but i was very hesitant after reading about the success rates and what all that Clomid meant for women with endometriosis.

sigh.

but no, i do want to be hopeful and positive. my tendency when faced with things that are overwhelming is to hide, crawl into a quiet cave and hibernate until all's clear. but obviously in this case, that will only mean waiting longer and longer and reducing our chances of either route to parenthood more and more. sooo...we're pushing forward. i've been returning to yoga and trying to get as healthy as possible for what is coming up, and i plan to go back to my acupuncturist as well. and then there are the doctors...

there you go. that is one of the things i've been up to lately.

more scenes from new york...

...because it has been almost TWO MONTHS since we got back and it's a massive pity i haven't shared the rest of our adventure yet.

here are photos from days 3 1/2 - 4...just a few more to go. up next: searching for Banksy graffiti, fun in the park, etc.
hazy evening outside our window.

we took a short walk from our hotel to the Tribeca Grill for the much-anticipated anniversary dinner. (13 years!)

he's secretly wondering if we're going to see anyone a little famous inside. we didn't.

my sea bass was Crazy Amazing. every ingredient on the plate merged magically. sigh...i miss that sea bass.

an older man working there eagerly offered to take our picture after seeing me with my camera. he was pretty exuberant about his photo-taking skills. this was the only one where we came out in focus.

mmm...raspberry key lime macaron.

Natural History Museum giant.

"...are there a bunch of birds behind me or am i being paranoid?"

melting in Union Square, 90+ degrees.

...the line for @BigGayIceCream truck, after it was announced on Twitter that Ottavia Bourdain (yes, that's Mrs. No Reservations to you) would be serving from the truck for charity, with proceeds matched & donated to Doctors Without Borders. ...plus, i really wanted one of those Bea Arthur cones i saw them serving up the day before at the Food Truck Frenzy.

Ottavia said on Twitter she thought she looked like a dude with her hat & no makeup. she didn't, of course. BUT - check out her guns. whoa. also, mental note to myself: teach husband how to focus camera more than 50% of the time. (@ottaviabourdain)

i see you, you see me.

Washington Square at the arch.

shoes, Day 4.

sling.

this street performer, while good at holding a pose, couldn't help from sweating profusely. also, the two dogs had just snapped at each other.

beautiful sky in the park, but the fountain being under construction really bummed me out.

snapshots from a bench...

Washington Square squirrel (who was just trying to eat a rock).

look up.

birds on wire.

chess.

messenger bag.

open-air.

our second meal at Sanctuary T...and the Greek platter that made me happy.

...see?!?

new york city! new york city! sigh...

A couple of weeks ago we got back from a (MOSTLY!) gorgeous eight days in the city that never sleeps...though don't get too spoiled and think you can get takeout from anywhere at any time, because then you will be sad sad sad at 11:30pm when you discover you can not indulge in buckwheat noodles on a whim.

...the things you so easily get used to when you pretend to live in a Megafoodopolis for a week.

Also, it's a bit of a weird feeling when you start referring to your hotel room as your home. "ahgghh let's just walk home!", "how close is that to where we live?", etc. Sooo...I'd say eight days is a nice long time away. (I could, however, have my arm twisted to stay much longer in a Mediterranean villa somewhere, but wait, what was that? Hold on-- ...yeah, that silence is No One offering up their piece of heaven in Palermo or Barcelona, so that little extended vacation fantasy will try to gracefully exit now while it still has its dignity.)

Aaaanyway.

WE WERE IN A MAGNIFICENT, BUZZING, VIBRANT, NEVER-DISAPPOINTING CITY FOR A WEEK. And it was good.

And I have pictures.

There are far too many to post at once, so I'll do a few installments. Round one (days 1 through 2 1/2), here we go...

feet

cloudy skies the evening of our arrival

amazing amazing amazing pizza at Rubirosa

bathroom shot (of course)...notice my new little Lumix G1 eep

my shoes, Day 1
window display, Erica Weiner jewelry

what i woke up to on my birthday (Law & Order and a wee cupcake!)

tiny

buggy

my shoes, Day 3

Yummm...25 food trucks on two blocks (you got 5 tickets to use at any of them)

tomato & basil slice from Eddie's Pizza Truck

some of the lineup

vegan donuts from The Cinnamon Snail

KOREAN BBQ!!!

"beef, pork, chicken or tofu taco?"

...i went with the tofu

art installation between the blocks of the Food Truck Frenzy

watching people go through the hole in the wall was almost the best part

...the nest

these feathers were trailed in the wet cement even far, far down the street

graffiti'd lady

just liked the texture of this stairway...

AW, MAN! i didn't have mine with me ;)

The Mister thought the dustpan was funny

fire station

a stop we made because i know someone who likes to collect cookbooks...this entire wee "store" was packed to the ceiling, and Bonnie was super sweet & talkative, even though she was stressed out about the little black dog hiding in the corner by her desk she was babysitting.

"an irony rich mouthful" ...COLBERT! ...OBEY.

the pigeon guy in Washington Square Park...he was there every time we came by that week

girl with dogs

Bleecker Bob's...a cool spot for really vintage (mostly rock) vinyl

friends

wart hog???

part of the selection at Once Upon a Tart...i got the one in the back with no label (i think it was cherry something?)

us in a window. looking at yummy things.

catching up with photos...

well, it has been a wee while, so i figured the best way to catch this space up with what i've been up to to is through pictures from the past few weeks...

we've been going out to breakfast every saturday to chat about how much we love omelets, our week's goals and what we're going to eat for lunch. plus, the food motivates us to detach our faces from our pillows early on rainy weekends.

we saw this actual "advertising" display in the window of a photography studio in the mall....um.

i became afflicted with what was affectionately referred to in the SarcomiHaus as The Neverending Plague (for 2 1/2 weeks), and the only things that could console me were medicine and noodle soup.

i helped my friend Stacy with a fabulously-styled shoot, during which once of her pups, Lola, stole a bit of the attention.

my new Finn frames arrived from Warby Parker! (p.s. FANTASTIC customer service, and just $95/pair.)

 Spring sprung up all over the place...

the furry-faced inhabitants of the house have lounged & loafed to their hearts' contents (the cat says 'duuuuude you know it'.)

we've been to a few shows. here is Bobby Long, signing my record...

...and this was the result. (we racked our brains: "am the Bed"? ..."on the Ben"? and then i eventually figured it out: "all the best" - in slightly intoxicated performer penmanship perhaps.) 

we had a chance to see Ra Ra Riot, too. Mr. S. snapped my friend Suzanne & me with 1/2 the band. (they were nice - and young. yeesh. everyone is so young.) p.s. FANTASTIC live show.

...and i got all but one autograph on the vinyl. courtesy of a temporarily stolen Sharpies.

perhaps the most...interesting show: Das Racist. fun. but...interesting.

i've started to get my office put together the way i want it since we switched, me moving back into the loft. (people always ask so i'll tell you - the bookcases were from IKEA years ago.)

OMG I FINALLY GOT A DAMNED MILK FROTHER. and i love it. i love it and i want to kiss it.

two of the three original wee shrimp are still alive in this little sphere thing i got for Mr. S. a couple of christmases ago from Sharper Image. hmm...can you find them?

my sister came and we took her to a hibachi place we have become in love with. and we ate so much it hurt.

Mr. S. made a kick-ass meal from that new Rocco DiSpirito book. um. YES.

i bought 2 replacement cacti for some sad-looking ones on the window sill (say hello to Baby Red & Mr. Crab Hands)...and an aloe plant.

:: so there's a little bit of what's been going on here lately. and of course, since putting this together there's even more to report. but that's for the next post. ::

 

What I Got

"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got."
—Sabrina Ward Harrison (Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself)

I'm trying to decide if I still ever feel this way...

I like to think that, as I am approaching a birthday very many women do not like (35), I have grown into myself. Sure, that would be nice.

At the very least I think I've evolved, in my already-established relationships, to a level of genuineness and comfort - not comfort with THEM, but comfort with ME. As in, not trying to put on a performance in order to impress and be liked, not exerting energy toward judgment ("I can't believe she thinks that is normal!"), refusing to nurse negative-energy relationships and not being afraid to be a little imperfect.

But really, those things don't cover the SHOWING YOU WHO I REALLY AM idea, do they?

I am not generally, in real life, a spiller. I won't sit down with you over tea and share my latest emotional struggle, tell you about the last fight the Mister and I had (that started over english muffins), or confide my Dark Day moments to you. See, a long time ago, I sort of was that person. I was younger and thought of that as connection and was eager for advice. But along the way, I began to realize that some people love to feed off the drama of your life for reasons that are not altogether altruistic or helpful. I also started to see how hasty I was by letting all of Myself out like laundry on the line, when it actually feels good to hold some of you close and warm, tumbling in the privacy of your soul as you grow with each moment survived and learned from. Not Every One needs to know Every Thing.

I suppose in this way, there are things I do hold back...but I'm not sure that means I'm holding back who I am from the people I care about. I like to think of it as working on learning to cultivate peace and balance in my life and trying to make that what I put out more than the opposite. No, I'm not all Zen-Master of Om with friends; I still toss out a wry comment here or a sarcastic wisecrack there and DO I EVER ENJOY IT, but as far as personal drama and hardship? I'd much rather be there to support you in yours than talk about mine.

Honestly, probably the thing I show others the very least is the fact that I am still figuring out WHO this person is. I've still got some questions about mySELF, questions that have gone unanswered for too long because of a muddled youth or a clouded mind or a traumatized spirit or a timid heart or any number of other culprits that basically boil down to ME. There is no one else who can clear this up, and that's been my journey for the past couple of years - well, almost 35 of them, I guess.

Showing that I don't have this self figured out completely yet...that is probably what I don't show most of all.

looooook what i made...

My mega-creative pretty pal Stacy had me over for a project day yesterday, and TA-DEE-DA - look what I made! I'm going to practice my finishing work and get some fun new fabric to make more soon, and then will post steps (p.s. it's silly easy...thus how I managed it, though not without needle-stabbing incident). I also made a funfabulous ribbon-fold beaded bracelet, but I want to do one in different colors before posting a photo. CAHHHRAFTY. Throbbing thumb? Totally worth it.

belated Chinese New Year (hop-hop...)

Yes, though the Chinese New Year was a month ago, we were graciously invited to a party that had been postponed (if you remember, we have been trapped under a tundrous pocket of ice and snow for weeks, rendering all things Fun and Happening quite difficult to attend) at artist Josh Johnson's home last weekend. (First of all, check out Josh's art, for it is Le Bomb.)

• Art of Josh Johnson

   illustrations, letterpress, watercolors and more featuring whimsical animals & magically mysterious characters - and one very special family called The Spindletons...

 

We were supposed to wear something that represented the Zodiac animals correlating with the year we were born. Mr. S. lucked out - he is a rabbit, and LO AND BEHOLD...Easter was throwing up all over the place everywhere we went. For him we settled on a wee stuffed hamster wearing bunny ears. I thought that was pretty funny. At the party, the hamsterbunny got friendly with various other animals as well as the Mr. T doll, who was apparently there to Pity the Party (seen here wearing the wine cozy we brought and appearing in further shenanigans later):

Mr. S arrived with said hamsterbunny pinned to his jacket, but for some reason he decided to take him off pretty quickly. Hmm...

My animal is the dragon (throw your hands up, 76ers! yay...we're 35 this year...errghh...yay?) and I didn't have as much luck figuring out how to incorporate that into a fun little accessory. So...I went classy. I went for the temporary tatt:

...which you can see here as I show off my contribution to the spontaneous jamming that was taking place throughout the night with various super-fun instruments...

(Also check out my friends Tonos Triad, who I photographed a few years ago and pretty much kick ass and jam ridiculous everywhere they play. Two of the members were there with others providing the *ahem* PROFESSIONAL instrumental yumminess during the evening.)

Here are some more photos from the party:

    

{lucy}