Sarcomical

Some Things Friday #34:...You Know What, Screw It

I simply cannot write a normal list for you this week because, to put it quite bluntly...

OH. MIGOD.

Yep. That's me. After a concert last night. Oh, and that other girl? Is Imogen Heap. Immi, formerly of Frou Frou fame. Imogen Heap that did THIS unthinkably cool as hell thing for me about a year ago. The lovely talented amazing darling whose music has meant so much to me over this past year of change in my life.

I was in a completely surreal state last night, and I think drove home a little high from it all while my husband, who met me at the concert, followed me (wait, maybe it was the smoke in the room that made me buzz?). Well, whatever. SO not the point. I talked with her. Like a dumb, blustering fool I asked my husband, "Should I talk to her? I should talk to her, shouldn't I?" See, it was a super-small venue and all the artists were just hanging out watching each other and being completely cool with everyone in the bar.

So there I went when she was done with her set (can I just say? - hearing her singing live is completely, unfathomably fantastic), after debating over whether or not I'd need a drink before getting up the nerve (must. be. COOL!) and started to fumble an attempt at introducing myself. Something like..."...um, hi, so I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself...um...see...I read Zefrank, and, ..." Okay, PAUSE: See, the reason she sent me her CD last year was because she saw a comment I made on HIS blog, and she knows him, and then checked out my site from my comment, and wanted to do something nice for me seeing that I had the last Frou Frou CD on my Amazon wishlist. Because she's bitchin' cool like that. But if you clicked the link above, you already know the story. *ahem* So anyway, I was going to try to segue into something like "...so I read Zefrank and comment there sometimes, and you probably don't remember this but you sent me a CD last year and..." but I had barely gotten out the "...see I read Zefrank and-" "-OH! You're Sarcomical!" she exclaimed. And this, oh Internet, is the point in the story where I lifted out of my body, floated above while Butch Walker sang, hovered over my real self and totally peed my surreal pants. She then gave me the warmest hug ever, the kind you give a friend you haven't seen in a while, and after we chatted a few seconds and she said we could get a picture together later, she went back up on stage for one more song. But not before saying "Oh wait, hold on...what's your real name?" Pinch me. HARD.

I had to have 2 drinks afterward to settle myself. "I wasn't cool...," I told my husband. "I totally and completely was a stupid stupid fan and HOLY SHIT did Imogen Heap just KNOW WHO I WAS?!? I'm such a dumbass but she was so sweet wasn't she? She's so nice and also she REMEMBERS ME? That is not something I can wrap my head around"...and blah blah blah. Then I thought "I didn't even wash my hair! I can't BELIEVE I just met Imogen with greasy, dirty hair pulled into a ratty knot and there she is with her clean hair and I probably just completely blew her opinion of me with my end-of-the-wash-cycle hair. DAMMIT! One should always have flowy blown-out goddess hair when there is potential of meeting a long-adored celebrity type. FOR SHAME.

But I was like "be cool, be cool...you can be cool", willing myself to be a somewhat intelligent person when I talked with her again. So when we went outside to see her after listening to some more sets (and waiting for my drinks to mellow out), she was just as warm, gracious and humbly sweet. We talked a little bit and got to get a couple of pictures together. I told her how wonderful I thought she was that night, and how incredible her music is...and she talked about Zefrank doing live standup and had I seen it? (no, but I'd love to because he's freaking hilarious and his sketches rock my world)...and how tired she was from the group taking her to meet and hang out with Motley Crue backstage the night before when she got off her plane...she said she was so happy to meet me and gave me another hug while I told her how wonderful it was to be able to speak with her finally...and all the while I thought about how pretty she was and how talented, and would she ever know how much she had impacted my life with her simple act of kindness?

Immi, I hope you do know how very much that and last night meant to me (in a completely COOL and UN-STALKER-FAN way, OF COURSE) and how fabulous you were to listen to live. And thank you for the privelege of that personal time.
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Oh, did I forget to tell you, patient Internet hotties, that this was part of the Hotel Cafe tour? We also saw:

Butch Walker - the boy can BELT IT, yo.

Cary Brothers - Uhh...so okay there is no other Brother. It's his name. I, um, thought there were 2 of them. Derrrr. Sorry, I wasn't thinking clearly...but when I heard him sing "Blue Eyes" (which was on the Garden State soundtrack) I completely remembered him. So shut up with the mocking and the pointing. And P.S.? He rocks.

Peter Searcy - A Hottttie who can definitely use that guitar.

Joshua Radin - Only heard him a bit, but VERY cool.

AND we got a free compilation CD with all the featured artists on the tour this year on it. Cool, eh?

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You can get Imogen's new album here (pre-order at amazon)...go to her site for US release info, and if you're like me, be completely and irrationally impatient and buy a UK version.

Some Things Friday #33: Hofftastic

Some Things I Love:
1. Whistling in a room that echoes.
2. My new favorite comedian from listening to XM radio is Mitch Hedberg. When I told my husband, and said "We have GOT to go see this guy live!" he said "I think he just died?" "Shut up! ...Well, that would make it much harder, wouldn't it?" Okay, so that is not so happy. Turns out, he just passed away in March. But the guy's style (ironic one-liners, etc.) makes me laugh almost harder than anything else I've ever heard. Or read for that matter. Check it out.
3. The mother-in-law as a constant source of humor. Remember how I referenced in the last post about her bitching out the cops? Here's the story: M.I.L. and husband are selling their house. Buyer was extremely interested. Buyer was older woman with still-older mother to take care of. Buyer went to police and fire departments to ask about safety and crime. Both told her they wouldn't buy a house in that area. M.I.L. went to both departments "cleverly" pretending to be a potential buyer. Asked questions about crime and safety. When they told her, she "dramatically" revealed her identity. "That's MY house you're talking about. And you made us lose a sale! You shouldn't give your opinions about that kind of thing. Blah Blah BLAH." Thing is, the M.I.L. and husband have made SEVERAL calls themselves (that we know of, I'm sure there have been more) about "loud noise" from the neighbors and she has called a few times when she has been alone because she "heard a noise" in the house. So I'm pretty sure they've helped up their own incident rate. But here's the best part: after she went to the stations, she said they got a few hangup phonecalls that night. So she called my husband to tell him the story "...just in case something happens to Andy and I", because she thinks the cops are now on her ass.
4. Lee has shared with me his office's obsession with David Hasselhoff (aka The Hoff), as well as what it means to get "Hoffed" (it is, of course, all mocking in nature - Hoff Puns Gone Wild so to speak). With that knowledge, he has also shared some of the photos they've passed around. To wit:

...and, of course, because he hadn't killed me enough...
(you have to click it for full effect)

...and then - THEN - he hit me with this (aptly named, Sarcomhoff):

See more VERY funny Hoff mocking HERE.

Some Things I Hate:
1. People who request Read Receipts on the emails they send me at work. Now I'm under all this pressure to answer just because you have to know EXACTLY when I open your precious little email so you can keep track of EXACTLY how long I blow you off. Ass.
2. The beginning of football season.
3. That Jennifer Lopez is all over the media all of the sudden saying she thinks "J.Lo" feels juvenile to her and she wishes people would stop calling her by the name. Honey, you should have figured that one out a LOT earlier...like when the first person came to you and said "You know what would REALLY make you a household name and get people to take you seriously as an artist? We need to get them to call you a fun name that sticks in their heads AND sounds like a stripper alias - how about J.Lo?!?" and you said "Perfect! Don't you think so, Puffy?"
4. Football highlights at 11:00 pm.

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. Why does it feel so gross if you spit when brushing your teeth and miss and hit the toothbrush? I mean, think about it...
2. Will Rory and Lorelai start talking again on Tuesday? Or will they draw out this standoff with Rory in grandma and grandpa's poolhouse not congratulating Lorelai on her engagement to Luke? Tell me. TELL ME!
3. Period. 4 days early. Goddamit.
4. People who can eat beets.

Half-Week Haiku 23: For the Love of God...We NEED to Move

So Monday night my husband, being the awesome dynamo of manly manliness that he is, was taking out the garbage and headed from the kitchen to the garage door. I, being the superiorly dedicated domestic goddess creature that I am, was busy heating something up in the microwave. I heard my husband open the door, then quickly mumble "shit" under his breath as he turned and walked back in. For some reason, this wasn't that odd to me.

But then I felt him standing there quietly in the kitchen looking at me, bag still in hand, and I looked up.

"I'm not going in there", he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there. is. a. BIRD. out there."

"No way. Seriously, what?" (He was saying it so strangely that I thought it was some ploy to get me to look at something in the garage.)

"No. I'm serious. There's a goddam bird in there."

So I went and cracked the door to look into the garage. And sure enough, there right in front of my face, on TOP OF THE DAMNED GARBAGE BIN THAT WE KEEP NEAR THE DOOR, was this:

I shit you not.

Ladies and gents, I took this picture through a crack in the door about 1 1/2 inches wide. And it kept STARING at me with its beady CRAZY-EYES and devising plans to eat me. It started fluffing itself out and puffing up to triple its size, and contorting its head all goddamned sideways to leer at me - fucking bully was trying to make me cry, I just KNOW it. My husband kept freaking out and saying "Close it! Close it! It's going to fly in - IT'S GOING TO FLY IN!" Finally, he went around the outside of the garage and opened it with the keypad so the bird would fly away.

But I ask you, would you not pee your pants? I think our bird problems have been well-documented. We think this was one of those babies. We are being emotionally terrorized by these germ-infested feathered bastards.

So, tell me OH INTERNET...what the hell do you think about nature hatching a plan to come after our asses? Have you been confronted by a nasty creature? Haiku it for me if you're extra ambitious. Here's mine:

pointy beak of death
beady eyes black pools of hate
he wants to eat me

Some Things Friday #32: Classy All Around

Some Things I Love:
1. Dear Sweet Love of All That is Pointless and Without Taste, these people need to be put on medication. Simply hilarious. I love those guys.
2. OH. MY. Did anyone else laugh hysterically when Howie finally gave April what she's been asking for for weeks now? I almost DIED. I know it was mean, but holy shit, it was the funniest thing I've seen on TV in the loooonngest time. *sigh* ...Howie...you slay me.
3. My Numi Golden Chai Spiced Assam Black Tea. numnumnumnumnum...

4. We went to see The 40 Year Old Virgin last night and OH MY GOD. It's got quite a bit of unnecessary bad stuff in it which means we won't be buying it...but it made me laugh so hard I could not breathe and my stomach cramped up...especially in one scene.

Some Things I Hate:
1. I am looking very closely at my keyboard right now and the amount of pure FILTH...I can see crumbs, pet hair, and I think a village of smurfs living under my keys. ick.
2. Pop Tarts.
3. Spoons, for anything other than soup and cereal. I will sometimes use them for ice cream, but if the ice cream comes with a)pie, b)a brownie, or c)any other dessert - I want to use a fork. I LOVE forks. When in doubt, hand me a FORK. And if I AM eating soup, for the LOVE OF GOD, do not give me a soup spoon. Folks, I have a cute little mouth, and I cannot maneuver that ginORmous spoon properly plus they just make me mad.
4. Did I mention I hate that backstabbing, lying, skinny-nosed, smokeslikeachimney bitch April?

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. Martha Stewart has TWO new shows starting this fall. TWO. Here and here. I am confused...do people still like her? I guess maybe it's the whole appeal of watching to see if jail made her crazy or something...I must admit I may have to DVR some of these to see just how batshit Martha really is.
2. We watched Comedy Central's Roast of Pamela Anderson the other day. (I know, I know. Don't judge me.) And I have to say...Courtney Love scares the SHIT out of me, with her slurring and her tripping and her huge bloating face. Also, I am concerned for Sarah Silverman. I mean...Jimmy Kimmel? Are you sure there isn't a barnyard pig lying in some slop somewhere that would make a better boyfriend? Sarah, I love you. What is happening to you?
3. I can't poop on vacation. It's a fact.
4. Will Britney Spears' baby (who reportedly is a boy) come out of the womb with a mullet, a beer, and a copy of Hustler in his cutoff-jeanshorts pocket?

Half-Week Haiku 10: A Bodily Function

Oh no, I did not forget you today, loyal Haiku-sters. I delivered.

Following the lines of the recent post about strange Christmas gifts, here is a stocking stuffer we all got from my mother-in-law last year:

That is right folks, the damned thing poops chocolate balls.

Not to be outdone, my sweet little angel puppy Lucy, is scared shitless of the vacuum cleaner. I tried to tell you this before (see, "Things I am Confused About"). But perhaps you didn't quite believe me. As your bestest friend ever I feel obligated to let you know that I would never lie to you (unless of course it made me look much much cooler than I already am...) and so, here is the proof that's in the pudding...er...poop:

These were taken right after I vacuumed last.
Yes, she was ashamed and traumatized and shaking.
...Yes, I am the shittiest dog momma alive for posting these. But I scooped her up and told her I loved her after I captured it on camera. After flushing the poop down the toilet. Of course.

*Take your pick and haiku whatever inspires you. Go to it!

Half-Week Haiku 5: Halloween

Okay, so my aversion to Halloween for multiple reasons is well-documented.

I dislike the decorations, the kids ringing my doorbell (I know, call me the Halloween Grinch), the sudden spew of disgusting orange-and-brown candy. But most of all I hate the stupid costumes. OH YES. I hate them.

Which is why it is with great unhappiness I am posting the following picture of myself in a STUPID Halloween parade I had to go to in my STUPID little town with the STUPID marching band in STUPID Junior High. I don't think I hated it too much then, because I was young and naive. Oh, gag, I can't believe I'm doing this...

...wait for it...

...

...wait for it...

...

BOOM:

I am the one on the right. *sob*
FYI: Do not allow this to convince you that I am in any way ANYTHING but incredibly, super cool and also very very hot. Heh. Keep in mind this was FIFTEEN years ago people! Just hurry up and Haiku it if you're going to, because I have to go look at really good pictures of myself (of which there are MANY, I tell you! they just aren't as funny, dammit) and then bury myself under the covers in embarrassment.

Frou Frou Love

So a strange thing happened to me yesterday.
Not strange in a weird way, but in a "wow...i don't know what to think" strange. A cool strange.

I got a boxed CD from Amazon in the mail.
I never ordered a CD from Amazon.
I opened it up.
Humph. Interesting.
A Frou Frou CD. details.
Well, this is cool...
It was on my Amazon Wishlist for a while...
Frou Frou's song Let Go gives me chills, I have to close my eyes when I hear it.
(That is why I was especially happy about this little surprise.)

...Ummm, so how did I get this?
I guess I'll look at the packing slip.
Wow, someone sent it to me as a gift! Awesome!
I love presents!
Hmmm...this person is from London.
Well damn, that's pretty cool.
Who IS this person?
(*At this point I assumed it was a blog reader.)
Okaaaayy...let's go google her name.

Wow, so she's a singer. Awesome.
How the hell did some singer in London ever read my blog?
Or see my Amazon Wishlist?
Well, she seems pretty amazing; she's got a cool recording studio.
Let's scroll down to some other entries and find out more about her.
Hmmm...she's talking about the Garden State soundtrack? Wha?
She's talking about my fave song on the CD, Let Go.
She's talking about how she's glad it's...doing...so well...what???

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why is she talking like that about it?
It's like that's her song or something...
...holy crap let's go back to her google listings.
The third link is her bio?
Ummm...she is half of Frou Frou???
Holeee Shit...so that Imogen Heap???

The Imogen Heap who is THE VOICE for Frou Frou.
The Imogen Heap who supposedly sent me this CD.
The Imogen Heap who put this message on the slip:
"Dear Melissa I was feeling generous and I think everyone should have one of these!!! x immi x hope you enjoy it x"

Update:
*I'm currently waiting on confirmation that it was really her. I don't know if it was a thing sent to lots of people or what. Can you BELIEVE this? Well, whether it was or not, check out the link to Frou Frou's CD on the left in my "listening to" section and if you don't have it- BUY IT!
*Also, check out her blog HERE.

UPDATE:
I got the confirmation that is was, in fact, from Imogen. She saw a comment I posted on a blog of a friend of hers (I did not know this before) and went to my site and decided to do something nice for me since I was nice to her friend. Now if that isn't a reason to be her fan, I have no earthly idea how to convince you! And it's also a reason for me to PEE MY PANTS. She will be releasing a solo album soon, so be on the lookout for it!

Imogen, THANK YOU. You made my day - my next few months - REALLY. You are awesome. I will be your devoted fan forever and ever and will buy all your music and love you and be your friend and send you candy. Do you eat candy? ;)
Love, Melissa