Sarcomical

haze

“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.” -Carolyn Gold Heilbrun

Vintage Sarcomical, four years ago today: Conversation

(This was a post from the original Sarcomical blog, from November 26, 2006. Kind of funny to look back, isn't it?)

My tea is talking to me.

I think my tea knows about my tendency toward being anxious.

My tea must be reading my mind.

I don't know if I can drink something that is reading my mind.

That creeps me out.

ALAS!

me:  either my water pillow is leaking or someone peed on the bed.
him:  what?!?
me:  look! ...that's not pee, right? does it smell like pee?
him:  uhhhh... ...no? wait, do you think ricky might have peed on the bed?
me:  not unless he peed under my pillow in a perfect circle. [sad frown face] water pillow has died.

(p.s. yes, water pillow. do not judge. i got it from a chiropractor supply place. it makes my neck feel happy. i have had it for 4 years. BUT ALAS!)

10 reasons I am not ready for Thanksgiving to be a week away:

1. I sometimes still think it's September.
2. I know THE INFLATABLES are due to appear on neighbors' lawns shortly after, and I'm not mentally prepared for giant ugly plastic snowglobes and Spongebobs and snowmen.
3. I had a fantasy about being in much better shape by Thanksgiving. pbbbbtt.
4. FIVE HOUR DRIVE TO IN-LAWS' WITH THREE DOGS IN THE CAR.
5. I'm still waiting to do that Fall picnic on the museum grounds.
6. I'm not ready for t-shirt weather to be over in the midwest.
7. I didn''t set the DVR for the Macy's Parade yet.
8. I'm going to the stylist to have someone else color my hair for the first time in over a year next Monday, and that only gives me 3 days for emergency recon if necessary.
9. I don't think I've soaked up enough Autumn to carry me through dreary Winter.
10. FIVE HOUR DRIVE BACK FROM IN-LAWS' WITH THREE DOGS AND LEFTOVERS AND LIKELY SOME RANDOM ITEM FROM MOTHER-IN-LAW'S CLOSET SHE DOES NOT WANT BUT DECIDED TO GIVE US THAT WE DO NOT ACTUALLY WANT IN THE CAR.

Dear Man with the ONE CENT License Plate in Front of Us Today...

...I have so many questions for you.

1. Was this some sort of attempt at a humorous reference to hip-hop mogul 50 Cent?
2. Do you fancy yourself a rapper? If so, doesn't "ONE CENT" imply a pretty low level of awesomeness?
3. Did you enter a contest to buy your car for a penny?
4. Is "ONE CENT" in fact a very ill-chosen way to shorten "one century", as in the length of documented time the men in your family have been going bald?
5. Do you find that putting an ambiguous vanity plate on your car gets you all the attention from women you anticipated it would?
6. Did you fill out your form for this plate as part of a dare?
7. How old are you?

Sincerely,
Unimpressed

he played catch with Bobby or, why my husband won't talk football with me

just now, as he sits watching his beloved football game...

him: (frustrated) i wish Joe Montana's kid would play as good as Joe Montana right now.
me: (disinterested) hmm.
him: i didn't know he played at Notre Dame. did you?
me: um, no. why would i know that?
him: do you even know who Joe Montana is?
me: YES. he was on the Brady Bunch.
him: WHAT?!?
me: yes, he was on the Brady Bunch. he played catch with Bobby.
him: what the...? wow you're weird...um...okay, i did not know that...
me: (quick google search to prove i am right)
me: oh, wait. it was Joe NAMATH. Joe Namath threw the ball to Bobby. hmm. well what's the difference between Joe Montana and Joe Namath?
him: ...(look of disdain) well...they're two completely different people, i guess that would be the difference, genius.
me: whatever.

a sample of the companionship & mental stimulation you single folks are missing...

ME (from my office): "great, my sweater stinks"

HIM (talking back, from his office): "why, what did you do to it?"

ME: "nothing, it just smells like stinky sweater"

HIM: "then take it off"

ME: "but...i'm COLD"

Something I Wonder...

How many women who end up in emergency rooms and need to have their clothes removed or cut off by doctors before surgery have on Spanx?

The Day the Hoots Died

This made me incredibly pouty. I have no other words.

Except, maybe accidentally drying on high when medium is specified can lead to heartbreaking results.

technorati tags: NaBloPoMo

Because I am not the only one who suffers, dammit.

As I sit here timing the highlights in my just-touched-up hair because of The Mousy, with wait time including an apricot facial scrub followed by a vitamin C mask because of Lizard Face, now ready to put in teeth-whitening strips because of Coffee Crack, contemplating self-tanner because of The Eternal Pasty, and noticing annoying scratchy barely-there stubble on my frecking-yesterday-shaved legs because of Just BECAUSE IT HATES ME, all while bumping around to cranked Beyonce, Britney, Fergie, and Rihanna for dance distraction (because It's Britney, Bitch) in preparation for the holiday weekend approaching, I am acutely aware of one thing...

...this female gig is one gigantic pain in the ass.

technorati tags: NaBloPoMO

Firefox crashed and ate my post, so you get this instead:

Glaringly Obvious Gay and Fashionable Ken
(oddly, not labeled as such)

technorati tags: NaBloPoMo