Sarcomical

Some Things Friday #13

Some Things Friday...Thank God! Sorry for the lateness.

Some Things I Love:
-The smell of wet leaves
-The feeling of quitting the Store of Evil the night before my next shift. In a VOICE MAIL to my manager. HA! I am exhilarated! I want to go egg them now.
-HIM. And guess who's got the fourth one down as their desktop wallpaper? Mmm-hmm. Me, that's right. I have to tell you how I met him and was THIS close to his ass. Maybe next time.
-My new hair color - AGAIN! I will show you this weekend.

Some Things I Hate:
-Dried out Uni-ball pens! ARGH! Uni-ball, I have been so faithful. Why are you testing me?
-Trying desperately to waste time from 4-5 at work by going to the restroom, then realizing that it turns out I can only stretch that out to about 3 minutes. Dammit! Next comes the go-to-the-kitchen-to-get-hot-water-for-tea tactic. How much time do you think that will buy me? I've already utilized the edit-the-font-and-color-of-your-email-signature-for-fifteen-minutes thing. Yeah.
-Schizophrenic periods. Does this happen to you girls? It starts, you get all panicky, then it's all "PSYCH!" and waits another 2 days before REALLY letting it fly. Stupid girl mechanics.
-Girls who wear white bras under white shirts. It's NUDE honey, NUDE!!!!!! I can still see that white bra there, brainiac. Always wear a flesh-colored (whatever your color is) bra with a white shirt. Oh my gosh the next girl I see doing this is going to get it.

Some Things I am Confused About:
-Ashlee Simpsongate. Why the drama? Why the lies? Ah well, I'm sure it'll all get cleared up on the good ol' 60 Minutes 'secret tape extravaganza'. Whatever.
-Why no one makes tapioca pudding anymore. I really like that lumpy stuff. Am I alone?
-Why our puppy gets the crap scared out of her when the vaccuum cleaner gets turned on. Literally. Each time she runs away as soon as she can and squeezes out the tiniest little poop. Is that funny or is it just me?
-What exactly IS office-appropriate music for my office at the church? They've okayed the cd player and all, but I never hear anyone else use theirs. I mean, why do I feel strange popping in No Doubt or The Strokes? I highly doubt anyone will say anything even if they want to, since they all seem to be KISSING MY ASS and think I am the golden child for coming on. Should I just blast them?

Half-Week Haiku 4: Santa

It's getting to be that time of year when us kids have to think about and plan that thing which maketh the mother-in-law so gleeful: The Santa Picture. It's a tradition; my husband and his brothers have had their picture taken every year since they were born. It's the only gift she really cares about at Christmas, so we have to haul our asses to the line every year to do it.

My sister-in-law is about to have a baby, and would love to end this madness before her child must be subjected to it. I don't blame her. Look at what runs in the family:

Yeah.

The first picture is the oldest, the second is her husband. Luckily, there are no pictures of MY husband crying, or it would be in there, too.

Let's haiku this moment, shall we?
Give me your 5-7-5, yo.

Some Things Friday #12

Some Things Friday, our dear old friend, you have returned:

Some Things I Love:
-Anything DILL. Mmmmm...
-Any person who will give me a massage right now.
-The view from my desk at home:

-My $6.97 flooofy slippers from Wal-Mart. I think they're funny. My husband says I look like the Abominable Snowman. I kind of agree. But as I said, they're funny. And did I mention flooofy?

Some Things I Hate:
-When people place the toilet paper on the holder in the "'around the back and under" position. It's OVER people, OVER! And to the front. Duh. Sheesh.
-Trying to grow out my hair yet again. DAMmit! And of course it will get just to the point I've been dreaming of and I'll chop it again because my spoiled ass is "bored" or "just tired of it". My hair has been to to my waist, to my ears, and back again a few times. Some people seek adventure in travel, others find exhilaration in acquiring knowledge. I change my hair. Whoo. Someone strap me down because I think this ride is a little too wild, baby.
-Wonky shopping carts at the grocery store. We're talking ALL versions here:
1.) The squeaky-wheels cart
2.) The one-wheel-gets-stuck-and-makes-you-hit-your-shin-constantly cart
3.) The rough-rider cart (rides like you're driving over a cobblestone road)
4.) The diagonal-veering cart (my most hated nemesis)
-That the ice cream man has stopped coming. I want my toffee cruch bar, for the LOVE OF GOD.

Some Things I am Confused About:
-People who eat onions, garlic, etc. in heavy doses and then fail to take the necessary measures before coming within close talking range of people, or at least attempting to shield the innocent from the onslaught. I mean, I love my onions on EVERYTHING, but in the general public I at least try some gum, mints, or a carefully placed hand or head tilt to ease the suffering.
-That anyone could take voting to THIS new low.
-Turkey Bacon. I've tried this, and all I can tell you is...don't. Just. Don't.
-My Mr. Winkle Calendar page for October. It scares me.

Half-Week Haiku 3

This week's subject is my all-time favorite picture of my nephew, taken about 5 years ago, on his birthday.

*click to enlarge

I'll start:

woe to the woman
who laughs when i stick my face
in the cake, damn you

Some Things Friday #11

Well! This week went fast! Some Things Friday is here again.

Some Things I Love:
-Changing leaves
-Edy's Grand Light ice cream - oohhh baby
-Putting on a heavy sweatshirt again - "Fall, my dahling, you have come back to me!"
-My beauteous niece and nephew - and the new one that's coming
ANY DAY NOW

Some Things I Hate:
-Having dreams about high school lockers that I can't open.
-Dogs who EAT MY SANDALS
-The texture of marshmallows in my mouth *gag*
-Losing ANY game - I am a sore loser

Some Things I am Confused About:
-How so many people on the internet seem to be completely comfortable with sharing poop information and stories about their pooping schedules, poop issues, etc. - when for me, that is a strictly don't ask, don't tell subject. I would rather just tell you I don't ever poop at all. Can we move on now? I'm getting uncomfortable.
-People who decorate a full month in advance for Halloween - i.e., my entire cul-de-sac and most of the subdivision. I've not really been a huge proponent of Halloween, for personal reasons, and just can't wrap my head around all the excitement that surrounds it. I would like to go around and kidnap all the orange lights, lighted giant pumpkin heads in windows, and other massive yard displays just so that I don't have to look at them anymore. Anyone want to help? ;)
-Why I am feeling strangely loyal to my retail job all of the sudden. What the hell is going on??? I mean, I've discussed the Store of Evil before, but perhaps all the work I've put into putting every little piece of the store together down to the pegs and shelves has made me mysteriously maternal toward it. And we're officially opening today. Am I losing my disdain? Must. Resist. Store of Evil. Must. Hate. It's not like I am not still looking for other employment. I actually have had two job offers this week. But I am not sure about those, either. Maybe for now the Store of Evil is the lesser evil? God help us all.
-Monogrammed toilet paper

Half-Week Haiku 2

These are the boys I had a semi-crush on during the Olympics: the Dumais brothers. Let's haiku them, shall we?
*click to enlarge

I'll start.

soaring through the air
justin said to troy "i'm best"
troy slapped him mid-flip

Some Things Friday #10

Some Things Friday is here!

*and you're lucky I feel like writing this so early BEFORE I go in to work. ;)
*should I have balloons? a band? something? this IS the 10th Some Things Friday after all.

Some Things I Love:
-Lucille Ball - she's the greatest, right? My little puppy is sort of named after her. heehee
-Yesterday's News kitty litter - this stuff is amazing. NO powder to choke you when you fill the box, and it actually absorbs well.
-Early Jimmy Stewart - something about him in his earlier movies. grrrowl. I think he and I could have gotten along quite well had I been alive back then and we had met and gotten married and had tall babies. *sigh*
-Root Beer Floats ...mmmmm

Some Things I Hate:
-When our neighbor decides to bring his badass self outside at 2:30am and start up his badass motorcycle and revv the damn thing then take off for about 20 minutes on some badass trip around the block then bring it home and back it ever. so. slowly. into the garage so as to make sure that anyone who didn't catch it the first time gets an opportunity to hear his badass motorcycle. Because. He is SO badass. Oh and he's about 45. Yeah.
-Anyone who makes me listen to Britney's In the Zone CD. You must be smacked.
-The black disgusting wax I have to clean out of my puppy's ginormous ears. *heave*
-Waking up when it's still dark out. So today. I. Hate. Everything. ...At least until I've had some coffee or something.

Some Things I am Confused About:
-Anna Nicole Smith and those TrimSpa ads. Are they supposed to make me JEALOUS of her? They actually just freak me out. And make me feel sorry for the guy she's making out with on that beach.
-Why Lucy could give a flying rat's arse about her food when we set it on her plate. Now...dump some of that food on the carpet and it's "Holy Mother of God! There's FOOD! On the CARPET! I bet that's GOOD! Must! Eat! Now!"
-Why my cramps today are so ungodly vindictive.
-Softshell Crab. I tried. I don't get it. How? I got nothing out of them.

Some Things Friday #9

It's Some Things Friday!
(*With my week at the store of evil, I haven't had any time to keep notes for this. I usually jot thoughts down on post-its throughout the week so I have something to work with. So, lucky for you, I'm wingin' it this time!)

Some Things I Love:
-Personal Pan Pizzas from Pizza Hut. They're so cute. And small. And alllll mine. Maybe I'm just a victim of the late 80's marketing plan, when we'd get a certificate for a FREE one after reading a certain number of books in elementary school. I think it was called "BookIt"? I humbly admit, I was always the best and fastest little reader, so...let's just say that I got a lot of them. Those little circles of cheesey heaven make me feel so happy. *sigh*
-Rainy afternoons
-America's Next Top Model and Miss Tyra Banks. Hey, haters, don't knock it 'till you've tried it. It's GOOD, so nyah.
-My husband, who as of tomorrow, I will be officially "dating" for 10 years. Awww, wouldn't you have dated him, too?
(*Sorry - crappy point and click camera from prehistoric times.)

Some Things I Hate:
-When we get the dogs new squeaky toys because "Oh! Aren't these SO cute?!?" and then they get a hold of them and squeakandsqueakandsqueakandsqueak AND SQUEAK them until we want to claw our ears off.
-Touching dirty dishes in the sink. Eww..no thank you.
-Country. Music.
-When the dogs have officially broken the squeaker after approximately 15 minutes and continue to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze and all you hear now is the high-pitched rubbing of teeth on rubber, which (trust me) is WAY MORE ANNOYING AND DAMAGING TO YOUR SANITY than the squeaking.

Some Things I am Confused About:
-Leg Makeup. I can see the need in some cases, but doesn't it get all over stuff? Someone help me out on this one. It just seems strange to me.
-How I have had my girl's name picked out for almost two years yet have no plans of having a baby ANYTIME soon. Hmmm...us girls are dorks sometimes.
-Christmas trees being up in some of the mall stores already. Huh? Wha?
-Why George Costanza won't just BE George Costanza. I mean, REALLY, Jason Alexander. Weren't you satisfied with Seinfeld? Because I certainly was. I mean, there MUST be something else out there for you besides sitcoms. I know you've done movies, musicals, etc. Must you keep pounding your head against the wall with this second sitcom you've tried in the past 3 years? I mean, every time we watch you on these shows you will do something as your supposed "new" character and we'll be like "oh, that's George". So give it up. You'll always be George. Give in to the George. It'll make this a lot easier for the both of us.