Sarcomical

Half Week Haiku 8: Christmas Gag

They're back.

The disgusting lawn ornaments. In all their glory.

I'm sorry, these are the best I could get today out my car window in the rain. Blech. Excuse me, I think I just threw up a little bit of Christmas balloon/cardboard-cutout Spirit.

Throw down a 5-7-5 on these babies:

*click to enlarge

Some Things Friday #16

Some Things I Love:
1. Pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes with brown sugar, and Santa Claus in the Macy's parade. Aahhhhh...
2. Our brand new pre-ordered copy of "Elf" that we got 2 days ago. Okay, so this is the ONE Will Ferrell movie that I can tolerate. Not only tolerate, but watch many many many times over. Still, don't try to use this as a tool to push "Anchorman" on me. It will only make me bitter.
3. The new neice, who is one tough cookie and beauteous to boot. Sis-in-law, if you're up reading this trying to stay awake during your 'baby shift', my sympathies. I am probably on my pillow right now unconscious.
4. Pajama weekends. You know, when you know you have no intention whatsoever of getting out of your sweats for the next 2 days? Oh yeah, baby. I feel it a-comin' on...

Some Things I Hate:
1. Chain E-mail. Please...DON'T waste my time with these cheesey "pass this on to 11 friends and you will have something fantabulous and unexpected happen to you within 2 hours!". I don't want to get these emails. And almost just as importantly, I don't want to know that you not only like them, but pass them on to other people. It will ruin our friendship. Just stop. Now. I'll lose all respect for you.
2. Walking into a public restroom where the stench hits you before you even get through the door. ESPECIALLY when you are the only one in there. Because THEN you are all nervous and trying to hurry because you don't want someone to come in and think YOU are the source of the wall of smell, and then if someone DOES come in as you are washing your hands or as you're walking out of the stall you debate "should I make the universal sign for 'whoa, someone really smells, huh?' by waving my hand across my nose and wrinkling my face or just pretend not to notice?" I hate that.
3. That on my usual day off next week, Monday, I will have to go in to work. Boo.
4. The Denim Button-Down Shirt Brigade. That's right, folks. Someone at the damn staff meeting decided that the new people needed denim shirts to wear on Tuesdays, too. We tried to convince them to offer another style, but that only made them hostile. Don't know what I'm talking about? I first mentioned them HERE.

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. THESE. I...don't...get it. Does this mean I can market anything I want - LITERALLY - and someone will pay for it? Apparently so.
2. Women's "Feminine Pads". Does anyone still use these?
3. My lingering feeling of bloat. Blech. I need more water.
4. Some of my Google hits recently. Let's just say I had no idea the traffic my post about the AMA's would produce. Anna Nicole was quite a hot topic, I guess. Some of the things people searched for after the show that got them here:

Eva Longoria hairstyle
NICOLETTE SHERIDAN WASHING HER CAR PICS
anna nicole +AMA cleavage
nicolette sheridan AMA awards wacky

...you guys are weird. Also, let me show you how to do an efficient web search sometime.

Half-Week Haiku 7: A Little Late

I know. I know. I am a loser beyond all losers. No Haiku yesterday. *shame*

Here is something to satisfy your need to 5-7-5:

I am still working on getting pics of all the damned inflatable objects people have in their yards right now. Bah!

Some Things Friday #15

Some Things I Love:
1. That my hair is growing out. I am SO impatient.
2. Finding out that there is FINALLY a good Chinese restaurant that delivers to our house. Bring on the crab rangoon, baby.
3. That I am no longer at the Store of Evil where right now I would probably be in the stock room and someone would be telling me in the bitchiest voice ever: "Now, you need to process at least 160 items of clothing per hour. ...Are you counting?"
4. Okay, I admit I was crushing on Charlie during "Party of Five". But even I had to see that he seemed a little...ehh...unstable. But Matthew Fox is SUPER HOT on LOST as 'Jack'. If I had to be stuck with any member of the old Party of Five Cast, it would definitely be him. For sure NOT that schmo Bailey.

Some Things I Hate:
1. When stupid me you get a raisin oatmeal cookie from the 'goodie table' at work, or as I like to call it, "The Table of Temptation", and stupid me you drop a crumb in between the T and Y keys while I am you're trying to type and snack at the same time, then have to pry it out with my your Bic clicky pencil. Gawd! I am You're SO stupid.
2. Monica Potter's hair on Boston Legal. Surely someone on that show is going to give that poor girl a makeover soon, right? It's either too blonde or too long for her. I can't figure it out, but something must be done. Eck. Emergency scissors and lowlights - STAT!

3. The backrub tease. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. The guy comes up behind you and puts his hands on your shoulders and you're thinking "How sweet. I really could use a quick massage right about now." Instead you get a little squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. He thinks this is sufficient. GET BACK HERE PRONTO AND FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED SLACKER! Or I'll seriously get pissy in about two seconds. That is just not cool.
4. The smell of Windex. Ew, I could gag right now.

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. Why I had an unexplainable urge to throw my gum into the toilet at work today just to see what it would do. I did not. Boo.
2. On the subject of toilets, what's with people who don't understand the unspoken toilet seat rule? The one that applies when you are at someone's home? You know, if it's up leave it up, if it's down put it the hell back down. This is not a rule that only men bypass - I have had plenty of women at my house ignore this rule. LISTEN PEOPLE, I have a cat that likes to play in water. And knock things into trash cans. I'm sure it won't stop at the toilet. I really don't feel like washing my cat's feet because he couldn't resist the urge to make plop-plop-plop noises in the mini cat-pool. Close the damn lid.
3. That the cat has run to his litterbox to crap every time we come home and I go upstairs into the bedroom. Is this supposed to be some sort of twisted welcome ritual???
4. That the only thing that made my husband excited to clean his bathroom was that he went and picked THIS up and demonstrated to me how it worked when I came home tonight. I can hear him using it...on his shower?...right now. Ummm...?

Half-Week Haiku 6: Various

I wanted to offer up some more variety for this week's haiku selections. Next week I hope to have some pictures of the LARGE INFLATABLE Thanksgiving decor that my dumbass neighbors have up now or something else more haiku-worthy. I've been getting myself used to my new schedule with work, which allows me a lot less time to focus on reading your blogs and keeping my entries hot. Heh.

Here are this week's haiku subjects. Grace me with your talent. GO!

Some Things Friday #14

Some Things Friday Madness! Just barely making it in under the wire, but late is better than never.

Some Things I Love:
1. Fruit2O ...Mmmmm (but not orange-flavored, that would be all GAGGY...orange flavoring is da debil)
2. Sitting at home or out with my husband and getting all Paris Hiltonbitch. i.e., I'll totally belch like a trucker and my husband will say "that's hot"...or we'll be out and see someone with stretch pants on at the mall and I'll turn to him and purr "that's hot". (If you've never seen Paris and Nicole - both of whom I DETEST - on tv, they both use that phrase for EVERY DAMN THING THAT HAPPENS...seriously, if Nicole is talking to an old man with spittle on his beard she'll say "that's hot".) It's so flipping annoying. Which is why we do it. Using the Hiltonbitch phrase will take away her evil power. Heh. Plus it's funny.
3. Woody Allen movies
4. That there is actually a place to buy THIS kind of stuff. Freakout!

Some Things I Hate:
1. The Blair Witch Project. We just watched it for the first time and it freaked me the hell out. I did NOT like that.
2. Anyone who tries to keep me away from the glazed chocolate cake variety. Step off, George.
3. Coffee that is deceitfully warm on the top layer but releases a gush of evil molten death when you tip the cup to drink it and then burns skin off of the roof of your mouth. Beeyatch.
4. The smell of cigars. pew.

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. How my poor sister-in-law is going to peacefully get through what precious little is left of her pregnancy with all THIS drama going on.
2. Anyone who will still dress up ONE OF THESE in their front yard for each season/holiday. Heh? Wha?
3. I have already told you I hate THESE, now they've got THIS? Do people not have enough tacky crap already? Pa-lease!
4. Whoever could not love this face:

*p.s. FYI, her tag is scratched not because we are bad parents who let our puppies go around looking like homeless vagrants, but because she won't stop grabbing the damn thing with her mouth and chewing on it. ...Kids.

Half-Week Haiku 5: Halloween

Okay, so my aversion to Halloween for multiple reasons is well-documented.

I dislike the decorations, the kids ringing my doorbell (I know, call me the Halloween Grinch), the sudden spew of disgusting orange-and-brown candy. But most of all I hate the stupid costumes. OH YES. I hate them.

Which is why it is with great unhappiness I am posting the following picture of myself in a STUPID Halloween parade I had to go to in my STUPID little town with the STUPID marching band in STUPID Junior High. I don't think I hated it too much then, because I was young and naive. Oh, gag, I can't believe I'm doing this...

...wait for it...

...

...wait for it...

...

BOOM:

I am the one on the right. *sob*
FYI: Do not allow this to convince you that I am in any way ANYTHING but incredibly, super cool and also very very hot. Heh. Keep in mind this was FIFTEEN years ago people! Just hurry up and Haiku it if you're going to, because I have to go look at really good pictures of myself (of which there are MANY, I tell you! they just aren't as funny, dammit) and then bury myself under the covers in embarrassment.