Sarcomical

Half-Week Haiku 10: A Bodily Function

Oh no, I did not forget you today, loyal Haiku-sters. I delivered.

Following the lines of the recent post about strange Christmas gifts, here is a stocking stuffer we all got from my mother-in-law last year:

That is right folks, the damned thing poops chocolate balls.

Not to be outdone, my sweet little angel puppy Lucy, is scared shitless of the vacuum cleaner. I tried to tell you this before (see, "Things I am Confused About"). But perhaps you didn't quite believe me. As your bestest friend ever I feel obligated to let you know that I would never lie to you (unless of course it made me look much much cooler than I already am...) and so, here is the proof that's in the pudding...er...poop:

These were taken right after I vacuumed last.
Yes, she was ashamed and traumatized and shaking.
...Yes, I am the shittiest dog momma alive for posting these. But I scooped her up and told her I loved her after I captured it on camera. After flushing the poop down the toilet. Of course.

*Take your pick and haiku whatever inspires you. Go to it!

Some Things Friday #18: A Day Late But SHUT IT!

Here I had ALL this Friday list stuff for this week written out while I was at work yesterday because I had absolutely nothing else to do for a couple of hours, and I forgot to post it last night! Perhaps it was the Baja Fresh. It took over my brain cells and turned them into yummy, yummy guacamole.

All that aside, the list is here!

Some Things I Love:
1. Sourdough Bread. With Cheese (mozzarella AND parmesan variety). Broiled in the oven. *cry*
2. Talking into a microphone. Not in a conceited way, OF COURSE. So I enjoy the sound of my magnified voice reverberating off the back wall of the room...SO?!? Perhaps it goes back to the days when I was Little Miss Musical Genius in elementary school and got all the little solos in our school programs. What can I say? I am an attention hog.
3. I just want to make a mention of my beloved Amalah.com, who has also put her wee puppy in a doggy coat (they SHAKE, I'm telling you! It's so sad - you HAVE to do something. Don't judge me.) and writes like nobody's business. Go visit her.
4. My desktop wallpaper:

Yes, it is my Harry. Shut up. Harry Connick, Jr. is pretty. I don't care what you say. And you can't have him.

Some Things I Hate:
1. Being so bored at work that I make multiple trips to the restroom, waste time by going back and forth to check my mailbox, make a cup of tea, clean my desk, and sit and listen to a co-worker share her entire history with her her ex-husband, and still have 2 hours left before I can leave.
2. Every single word used to name the male genitalia. Don't test me. I hate them all.
3. Being told that I HAVE to eat something with cranberries in it that you made, EVEN THOUGH I HATE THEM, just because you think the holidays are all about recipes with cranberries in them - enough with the damn freakin' cranberries! - "Oooh! It's Thanksgiving and Christmas time! The time to spend with family and friends and enjoy the warmth of the season! The time of hope, love, compassion, and giving - CUE THE EFFING CRANBERRIES!"
4. Not having ANY snow so far this winter. I mean, I'm not one for cold weather in general, but I need a little help here getting into Christmas. A little of the white stuff would be nice and possibly help me GET MY ASS IN GEAR and actually finish shopping and perhaps even wrap some of the gifts this year. Because as it's going now, I'm going to be tossing people plastic bags with stuff in them and wishing them a "Happy Christmas and whatever, where's the cosmo?".

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. Are Nick and Jessica over or not? Are they fighting or not? Is she cheating or not? Someone tell me! I'm SO nervous. (Yeah, right. Get over it, people!)
2. That while I was sitting at work I saw 9 cars in the 15 minutes do a U-Turn in an area clearly marked with the little "no u-turn" sign even though there is a parking lot they can turn around in right next to it. It's an interesting human behavior...what is forbidden is ALWAYS the most appealing.
3. Why my dogs are getting more action than I am. Seriously, they will sit and french kiss (I kid you not) for a good 5 solid minutes at a time - many times a night. It's pretty gross, actually, and I'm trying to get a picture of it for you guys, but STILL! Something's wrong when the dogs are getting more play than you are.
4. Why my cat wants to ruin Christmas. It's true. Here's a list of some things that are poisonous to cats: Holly, poinsettias, mistletoe. Also? He used to sit inside our fake tree, thus bending the little branch inserts and ruining them for the next year, he eats the fake needles and then pukes them up...I think I have sufficient proof that he is out to cut Christmas out of our lives.

Half-Week Haiku 9: Vickie's Secret Isn't Such a Secret Anymore

Remember that new amazing outdoor mall I had a job at not too long ago? (Amazing aside from the fact that my job sucked ASS.) Well, there's a new and fancy Victoria's Secret there.

I think they're probably doing very well:

*click to enlarge
Come on...I just KNOW you've got something to say about these window sluts.
Slap down a 5-7-5 whether you hate them or love them. Ha!

Some Things Friday #17

Some Things Friday re-emerges from the holiday lazies.

Some Things I Love:
1. Icy blue Christmas lights.
2. THESE candles. They are absolutely THE BEST. They make it smell like I've actually been baking or something...like that ever happens.
3. An empty kitchen sink. *sigh* It just makes the whole house feel clean, doesn't it? What's that? A pile of clothes? Oh, don't look at that, come see my empty and clean sink! Which my husband happened to empty and clean but who the hell cares?!? Let's pretend I did it!
4. Ooh. Jason. Bateman. ...Lovely.

CREDIT: MICHAEL MULLER/MOO MANAGEMENT

Some Things I Hate:
1. Being cold. No, really. You have no idea how much I hate it. It literally HURTS when I get cold. My tolerance level tops out at about 72 degrees. Then I just can't take it anymore. My hands cramp up and my nose turns into an icee pop.
2. "Feliz Navidad". No offense, but if I hear that song one more time on the radio at work I think I'm going to actually go mental and toss my scanner out the window.
3. Not getting to see my husband for more than a couple of hours a night during the week. Boo!
4. That we don't have THIS yet. A little pricey to put on our Christmas list, eh? Because wow, do we need it. You'd think two grown people could easily keep up with three very small creatures. Nope. Plus, that guy's commercials make me really feel like a dumbass for not having one already. Huh.

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. The amazing affect we saw THIS have on a child in Wal-Mart the other day. I mean, I know what effect it has on ME...I simply MUST squeeze all of their hands and get a whole row going together. You really should try it. It's oh-so creepy sounding, and it makes me laugh SO hard.
2. How we've managed to have no real snow here so far this year.
No snow = no ice = no slipping = good news for a clutz like me. ...oh yeah, it's happened.
3. Why our cat just decided to dump over a completely full watering can that was on the floor next to a plant (which was STUPIDLY left out for a SECOND by someone obviously too DUMBASS to realize that a full container of ANY liquid is fair game and of course that dumbass was ME). A 3-foot circle of carpet is completely soaked and being blow-dried by the husband at this very moment. Stupid cat. Pretty little puffball. He gets away with murder.
4. How I managed to keep from twitching my nose or making a wiping gesture while I was being taught how to use a new program at work by a guy who had a drop of snot peeking out his nose and dangling on the tip of his mustache/goatee thingy the whole time he was talking to me. Boy, I can not figure out why you are still single, dude. Seriously, it's such a mystery.