Sarcomical

Some Things Friday #30: All About Love This Week

Yes, usually I do things I love, hate and am confused about on Fridays. But this week? I'm just all disgusting and happy. Therefore all you get are my loves - so enjoy!

Some Things I Love:
1. Recently discovered (by me): The V.H.L. - otherwise translated as The Very Heavenly Libation - or, for those of you not in my head, The Vanilla Honey Latte at Borders. Now, there's no sugar in that, is there? No, of course not. Shut Up.
2. The clock I got at Pearl River Mart in NYC. I don't think I ever showed it to you, did I? It's so sweet; the little bird in the face bobs up and down as the seconds tick.

3. Two words: Jack Johnson. One more word (or IS it two?): Coldplay. Thaaat's right, you just keep your panties on, but I've got tickets to both of these concerts. Both outdoors, both on a lawn, but just the same. I'm SO excited. You didn't take off any underwear in your excitement for me there, did you? If so, please don't tell me. And also, if you got here searching for some panty-related term, just click the little "x" on the screen and walk away. We don't play like that. Sick-o.
4. Imogen Heap's (that's Frou-Frou's singer, a.k.a. Gorgeous Genius Voice of All Time Forever and Ever, if that helps you out) new CD, which I just received in the mail. OH MY GOD, people, it's amazing. And you can only get it in the UK so far (I ordered it off her website). She's so incredible. And if you're new here, don't forget how unbelievably nice she was to me once. Can I add one more gush before you get sick of me? She signed the first 500 orders, and I was number 449! I'm completely and annoyingly giddy right now. Buy your CD or digital downloads HERE.

5. My husband (I know, gross, get a room, right?) who is taking me on an old-fashioned date at the mall where we can mock people and complain about what we can't buy. Maybe I'll even have a carb-filled hot pretzel *gasp!* and a sugar-chocked Frulatti. I know, I am brave. And he's waiting for me, so entertain yourselves for a while!

Half-Week Haiku 19: Fears and Phobias

In honor of the horrid display of wildlife outside my front door, as documented in the last post, I'm calling on you to dredge up your deep-seeded fears and phobias for our haiku-ing pleasure. See, if I were my husband, I'd probably write something like:
eight legged devils...
nightmares of webs spinning death
make me crap my pants

...and for myself? Well, see, I have LOTS to pick from. But let's just go with, say...
i don't trust this thing
reach out, deep breath and hold tight
screw escalators

OR...
hysterical tears
i just know this bridge will plunge
close my eyes and hum

Half-Week Haiku 18: Uhh-Oh...

Today while I was getting my puppy a replacement for her FAVORITE OH MY GOD THE HOLY GRAIL OF HER LITTLE DOGGY LIFE, HER PUPPYCRACK toy (the other one was peed on accidentally damaged last week), I glanced over at the little tag-making kiosk they have in Petco, and something the woman was typing in on the screen caught my eye: Frodo. That's right...this chick has a dog named Frodo.

...Now I'm not judging or anything, but wouldn't a dog named Frodo creep you the hell out just a little bit? She didn't have the dog with her, so I just couldn't help but picture a little brown Benji-esque dog trotting around with very large human hairy feet. And a very moppish head.

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Umm...I'm getting an itch, my little friends.

Good LORD pervies, not that kind of an itch...an itch to change my haircolor again. Yes, again, so what, you don't have any vices? Shut up. Unless, that is, you actually want to offer up something helpful, like AHEM suggestions? You know, I've pretty much been every basic shade now, so throw me some original and NOT UGLY ideas. You can always go HERE or HERE and do the work for me by finding something that won't turn me green over this red-over another red-over brown stuff I'm rockin'.

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So...yeah...a Haiku for this week. This is what I'm thinking: In addition to me putting your asses to work on the whole HAIRCOLOR SCHIZOPHRENIA issue I've got (if you're brave enough to risk possible judgement and online berating for your poor choices), for the Haiku portion of this segment, why don't you tell me what YOU'VE had an itch to do this week that you just can't shake.

Don't have a Haiku? That's fine! We all love you and support your lack of imagination and ingenuity. We embrace it, even. SUH-LACKER! It's okay. Come get a hug. (hug) Ew. That was gross. Putting the hug in parenthesis, I mean. The actual hug was kind of hot, wasn't it?

Oh, here's mine:
thinking of dyeing
obsession or healthy change?
if it falls out, quit.

Now you.

Some Things Friday #29: Because You've Waited SO Long for It

Well, turning one and getting all your comments and congrats obviously turned me into The Snotty Bitch Slacker Queen of Posting, eh? Well, to give me some credit, I DID have my sister here over the weekend, my husband was in North Carolina, and I was busy eating an ungodly amount of food for no good reason. But because you've all been so nice to me, I didn't want to skip the Some Things Friday completely - that would be highly inconsiderate, yes? And I DO have it ready for you...did you think I could possibly forget about you? Let's say no, and stay good friends, shall we? *ahem* And so...

Some Things I Love:
-Johnny Depp and the Chocolate Factory*I mean...*Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh, hell, who actually believes that I went for Charlie? I mean, the kid's cute and all...and he made me cry in Finding Neverland...but please.

-I don't know WHAT THE HELL that orange stuff is that they give me as sauce for the crab rangoon I ordered from our Chinese place, but I just may have to restrain myself from grabbing the chubby American delivery boy next time and giving him a very large hug.
-Orville Redenbacher's Honey Butter Popcorn. gagagagagagagaga...

-Did I mention I have Mondays off? I'm sorry, gloating is a requirement. I think I'll spend the day reading, listening to my ZenBaby, and not working out. Sounds good, yes? Aw, crap, I should probably work out, too. But still. Right now? On my ass at home. In my pajamas. Heh.

Some Things I Hate:
-That my ears seem to be 6 sizes too small for the earbuds that come with my ZenBaby. They create so much pressure if they're not in the exact. right. position. that I want to cry. Ouch. Are your ear holes too small, too?
-Having a puppy I CAN. NOT. TRUST. This week alone, she: a)pooped on herself and spread it all around three times b)shredded some magazine pages all over the floor c)chewed up a plant d)got caught with my favorite leather sandal in her mouth ...but yet she's so cute I can't get as mad about it as I want to. Dammit.

-That I was stupid enough to watch Hide and Seek last night because I thought since my husband was here I could handle it. I think I may have done permanent damage. Even though I did have it figured out from the beginning, it still scared the crap out of me. While we were sitting there, me with husband's hand over my eyes and my hand, too - peeking out the cracks, I said "okay, there is NOTHING creepier than kids! NOTHING!" Especially Little Miss Fanning. She almost gave me a heart attack. Good, smart movie...but holy shizbit.
-The "substitute vet" at the appointment for the other dog and our cat this weekend, who tried to make me feel like a shitty parent the entire time. "You don't use flea prevention on him? Oh...hmmmmm...well, it's easier to prevent them than try to get rid of them." Yeah, well, I don't believe in it for dogs that are inside all the time, lady, and I've had this guy for 7 years, and not a single flea. So shut the hell up. "...Oh my, the cat is steadily gaining weight, isn't he?" Uh, yeah bitch, I think I noticed. And believe me, I've been just TRYING SO HARD to make him fat. I want the fattest fatty in the whole goddamn land of cat fattiness. I must not love him. Because I suck like that.

Some Things I am Confused About:
-Why can't I ever wait to get to the center of the Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? I can't stop myself from biting.
-Why is it that when I get really tense about work or something that I'm either really concentrating on or worried about, I catch myself NOT BREATHING? Yeah, that's right. NOT. Taking in air. And I have to remind myself to breathe. Yoga, anyone?
-Lindsay Lohan's hair. What is happening to this girl? Does anyone remember when she used to be kind of pretty with the dark hair and the curvy bod? Yeah, she still seemed bitchy, but at least she was hot. And now? I just don't know what to say, Lindsay...

-Should I have not tried so hard to physically restrain myself from turning around, pointing, and laughing at the guy in Blockbuster who had THIS as his ringtone?

Half-Week Haiku 17: Prepare to Back Away Slowly...

Things I Probably Would Not Want to Tell You If I Thought We'd Ever Actually Meet BUT...Since We're Just Internet Friends For Now I Figure What the Hell, I Might as Well Show You the DARK SIDE (or, in other words - TIPWNWTTYIITWEAMBSWJIFFNIFWTHIMAWSYTDS):

-I don't like to touch my lips on utensils OR on food whenever it can be avoided, so when I have to take a bite of something I use my tongue and teeth to take off the food. (*insert fake leprechaun-ish accent for no good reason* Oh, but I do it slyly my friends, so you probably wouldn't catch me even if you could see me.)
-I often spill water on myself when trying to drink from a SIMPLE. GLASS. It just misses somehow, don't ask me why.
-A long time ago when my husband and I were brain dead immature idiots, I crazily grabbed each of the framed pictures of us in the house when we were fighting and threw them onto the floor, leaving glass everywhere. (Thinking that I was dramatically proving my point, of course. Relaaaaax, our relationship is NOTHING like that now.)
-I will stop and watch Bugs Bunny while channel surfing.
-I once stole a pad of sticky notes with little penguins on it as a child and was so ashamed that I never used it; I just stuck it in my desk drawer, but didn't throw it out until I was in Jr. High.
-I could never spell 'Michael' until my sister decided to name her son Michael and screw me, and I was then 22. I could never figure out whether the 'a' or the 'e' went first. She had to explain to me "think of the alphabet...a comes before e...". I catch myself repeating that STUPID DAMNED trick each. and. every. time I spell the name, even if only for a split second. Me smart. Me spell purdy.
-I'll take the rest of my makeup off (MOST of the time) at night, but I'll leave mascara on for days and days, and just keep putting it on.
-When I chew something hard, my jaw pops.
-The Lion King made me cry. HARD.
-I shave about as NOT often as humanly bearable.
-I chew the inside of my cheek when I'm fidgety.
-I slept with a stuffed dog through High School (I know, I want to punch myself for that one).

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Oh, and the Half-Week Haiku for this week?

Tell me one or more of your quirks in the good old 5-7-5. (If you can't get your brain to work that hard in the middle of the week, don't feel bad. Just leave a regular comment telling us why we should be glad not to have met you yet.) Have Fun!

Some Things Friday #28: Home Alone

Some Things I Love:
-Toffee crunch ice cream bars. Oh sweet devilish temptress...
-Having the whole house to myself for 3 days while the Husband is away in Connecticut
-Sunflowers

-Little House on the Prairie. Man, did I ever want to marry that Charles Ingalls when I was little. Oooh la-la.

Some Things I Hate:
-Deviled eggs...ew
-That I don't have a butler...why the hell don't I have a butler? I could have him go get my Mexican takeout, run the bath, bring me tea, hold my books when I read, pick up dog crap...what is wrong in the world if I can't have a butler? That would be THE. HOTTEST. THING. EVAH. Alas, I am poor and not very important, and shall never have a butler to bring me bacon in the morning.
-Two words: TOM CRUISE
-Having to hear that reTAHded song from Legally Blonde all weekend on TV ads since apparently it just HASN'T BEEN ON TV ENOUGH SO WHY THE HELL NOT, LET'S GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT THEY WANT MORE REESE WITHERSPOON AND THAT YO QUIRO TACO BELL DOG AND BY GOD THAT IS WHAT WE WILL GIVE THEM.

Some Things I'm Confused About:
-Two words: TOM CRUISE
-That the puppy actually WANTS to stick her entire head into Big Brother Dog's ear to lick it clean. *gag* All I can say is, I won't be doing that for my husband ever. She must realllllly have some low self esteem to do that to try to make him love her....is all I'm saying.

-The world's obsession with watching poker on TV. I mean, I thought watching golf on TV was ridiculous. But now...? People aren't even moving around, they're just SITTING THERE people! You're watching people just SIT THERE and play a game of cards. Here's a question: WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO PLAY CARDS?

Half-Week Haiku 16: Errant Hair Haiku

One day, I was out with my husband, and I noticed this horrifyingly long hair staring me right in the face. (*click pic to get full Fright Effect) I of course had to take a picture and share the pain with all of you. And now, to even further shame my husband into better grooming practices, we shall haiku The Day the Hair Almost Ate Me. I will start:

spiralling at me
mommy i'm scared what is it?
looks like a pube, dear

Okay, that was a little crude. So here's a nicer one:

too tired to shave
he thought it was sexy scruff
please, it's just nasty.

Now you.

Some Things Friday #27: Happy Frickin' Fourth

Some Things I Love:
-Judd Nelson's lips on The Breakfast Club. Observe:

-Yes. I still watch Whose Line is It Anyway. And I like it - love it, even. I watch the really, really old ones. And yet I'm still a seriously Hottt chick. So bite me.
-That I saw an AMAZING preview for RENT coming out on film to be released November 11, 2005. It will feature many of the original members of the stage cast, and all I have to say is Taye. Diggs. and. Jesse. L. Martin. Oh. My. God. I am so there. Um, hello? The movie even has its own blog.
-Fourth of July Weekends where SOME OF US also take Friday off and so that means that SOME OF US are sitting at home right now being cute while YOU are at work stressed and ready to beat your office equipment to bits like this man.

Some Things I Hate:
-That I can't invite you over for the wonderful 4th of July festivi...oh wait. We're not doing anything for the 4th of July. Yeah. How about coming over to dog sit instead while my husband and I go to a spa and get a couple's massage? Now doesn't that sound fun?
-The word "sloshy"
-Sweet pickles make me gag
-That I almost forgot our puppy's 1st Birthday. And we all know that in the Sarcomical household, when one has a 1st Birthday, the mommy is supposed to get Wet Food and NOT forget until the night before when the daddy says, "tomorrow is Lucy's birthday you know". "Yeah, I knew that. pfff. shuh. I totally knew it."

We of course had to give her a black and white 'cookie' we got in New York for a special doggy occasion (which seemed an acceptable replacement for Wet Food), and stuck a candle on it. Of course. And Big Brother dog was not left out, even though he promptly hoarded it under the dining room table just in case any of us decided to get all up in his business and try to hustle his treat away.

Some Things I'm Confused About:
-How the sister-in-law and I are going to get through the weekend with both HER mother AND our mother-in-law in town. Joyous.
-Why I seem to do my best work and be my most productive in an insomniatic (is that a word? well, it is now so shut up) daze around...oh...4:00 am. Another looming omen of the weekend ahead, yes? It's going to be a winner, I can feel it. Meh.
-People who microwave ice cream
-Why don't you HAVE one of these yet?!? It seriously may tempt you away from your significant other with its pretty prettiness and ASS-KICKING features. Oh. And it's so wee and cute, did you see? I call it my Zenbaby: