Sarcomical

Half-Week Haiku 24: Like, Totally and, Um, Does This Belt Go With This Boobshirt?

So we went to see Jack Johnson in concert Monday night.

It was kind of cool - he's a great artist, but I think he said a total of 10 words the entire time (we decided to jet out right before the last song before the encore). I'm talking, song after song after song with no breaks in between at all...which was fine I guess since his opening acts took up the first 2 hours of the show...meh.

I would have loved to see a bit more personality come through...but I suppose if we'd been as HIGH as the hundreds of 14-year-olds who were rolling joints and smoking bongs all around us, we'd have probably been just as excited about it all as they were. And MY GOD, were they ever fucking cool. With their little jeanskirts up to their crotches, glittery eyeliner, and the guys with their striped boxers hiked practically up to their nipples so people could see them sticking out of their jeans. Wow, Internet, I am so very jealous. Jealous indeed of being naive, fashion-blind, insecure, obnoxious, sneaky, and unable to go to the mall without my parents.

For this week's haiku then, tell me Internet Darlings: What embarrassing or unpleasant part of YOUR youth would you not want to re-live? I'll go first:
permed bangs haunt me still
a wall of hair sprayed lifeless
how high can they go?

OR...
perils of dating
a girl breaks up with a boy
his kiss is dog-like

Half-Week Haiku 23: For the Love of God...We NEED to Move

So Monday night my husband, being the awesome dynamo of manly manliness that he is, was taking out the garbage and headed from the kitchen to the garage door. I, being the superiorly dedicated domestic goddess creature that I am, was busy heating something up in the microwave. I heard my husband open the door, then quickly mumble "shit" under his breath as he turned and walked back in. For some reason, this wasn't that odd to me.

But then I felt him standing there quietly in the kitchen looking at me, bag still in hand, and I looked up.

"I'm not going in there", he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there. is. a. BIRD. out there."

"No way. Seriously, what?" (He was saying it so strangely that I thought it was some ploy to get me to look at something in the garage.)

"No. I'm serious. There's a goddam bird in there."

So I went and cracked the door to look into the garage. And sure enough, there right in front of my face, on TOP OF THE DAMNED GARBAGE BIN THAT WE KEEP NEAR THE DOOR, was this:

I shit you not.

Ladies and gents, I took this picture through a crack in the door about 1 1/2 inches wide. And it kept STARING at me with its beady CRAZY-EYES and devising plans to eat me. It started fluffing itself out and puffing up to triple its size, and contorting its head all goddamned sideways to leer at me - fucking bully was trying to make me cry, I just KNOW it. My husband kept freaking out and saying "Close it! Close it! It's going to fly in - IT'S GOING TO FLY IN!" Finally, he went around the outside of the garage and opened it with the keypad so the bird would fly away.

But I ask you, would you not pee your pants? I think our bird problems have been well-documented. We think this was one of those babies. We are being emotionally terrorized by these germ-infested feathered bastards.

So, tell me OH INTERNET...what the hell do you think about nature hatching a plan to come after our asses? Have you been confronted by a nasty creature? Haiku it for me if you're extra ambitious. Here's mine:

pointy beak of death
beady eyes black pools of hate
he wants to eat me

Some Things Friday #32: Classy All Around

Some Things I Love:
1. Dear Sweet Love of All That is Pointless and Without Taste, these people need to be put on medication. Simply hilarious. I love those guys.
2. OH. MY. Did anyone else laugh hysterically when Howie finally gave April what she's been asking for for weeks now? I almost DIED. I know it was mean, but holy shit, it was the funniest thing I've seen on TV in the loooonngest time. *sigh* ...Howie...you slay me.
3. My Numi Golden Chai Spiced Assam Black Tea. numnumnumnumnum...

4. We went to see The 40 Year Old Virgin last night and OH MY GOD. It's got quite a bit of unnecessary bad stuff in it which means we won't be buying it...but it made me laugh so hard I could not breathe and my stomach cramped up...especially in one scene.

Some Things I Hate:
1. I am looking very closely at my keyboard right now and the amount of pure FILTH...I can see crumbs, pet hair, and I think a village of smurfs living under my keys. ick.
2. Pop Tarts.
3. Spoons, for anything other than soup and cereal. I will sometimes use them for ice cream, but if the ice cream comes with a)pie, b)a brownie, or c)any other dessert - I want to use a fork. I LOVE forks. When in doubt, hand me a FORK. And if I AM eating soup, for the LOVE OF GOD, do not give me a soup spoon. Folks, I have a cute little mouth, and I cannot maneuver that ginORmous spoon properly plus they just make me mad.
4. Did I mention I hate that backstabbing, lying, skinny-nosed, smokeslikeachimney bitch April?

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. Martha Stewart has TWO new shows starting this fall. TWO. Here and here. I am confused...do people still like her? I guess maybe it's the whole appeal of watching to see if jail made her crazy or something...I must admit I may have to DVR some of these to see just how batshit Martha really is.
2. We watched Comedy Central's Roast of Pamela Anderson the other day. (I know, I know. Don't judge me.) And I have to say...Courtney Love scares the SHIT out of me, with her slurring and her tripping and her huge bloating face. Also, I am concerned for Sarah Silverman. I mean...Jimmy Kimmel? Are you sure there isn't a barnyard pig lying in some slop somewhere that would make a better boyfriend? Sarah, I love you. What is happening to you?
3. I can't poop on vacation. It's a fact.
4. Will Britney Spears' baby (who reportedly is a boy) come out of the womb with a mullet, a beer, and a copy of Hustler in his cutoff-jeanshorts pocket?

Half-Week Haiku 22: Men May Get Uncomfortable

Come one, come all! Take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to come see the Amazing Cramp Lady! She moans! She bloats! She even gets uncomfortable gassy sensations! If you have sensitive souls, you may not want to get too close! She is quite likely to rip you a new one AND eat your children if you come without some Midol. It just doesn't get any scarier than this, folks!

Any clue what this week's Haiku is about? heh. Men can jump in on this one too if they're WOMAN enough...I'm sure you've been around some beautiful lady and experienced this glorious cycle of life before...what kind of bullshit IS this? Are we being punished for being the cuter sex? I personally believe that most men would THINK THEY WERE DYING if they had to get through ONE HOUR of "mild cramps". Seriously, a guy would probably want to pull out his uterus and throw it at the nearest man just as much as I do right now.

I'll start:
covers over head
curl into ball like a snail
when is menopause?

OR
midol makes me beam
except the one with caffeine
then i want to scream

Half-Week Haiku 21: Appreciate Them, Big and Small

This morning I could have lost both of my grandparents.

They were one intersection away from home on a country road, when someone at the crossing stop sign continued because he didn't see them coming. They were sideswiped, rolled into the nearby ditch, and thankfully there were people there (including the young man who hit them) to help get them out and call the paramedics.

I know, not funny, right?

When I heard about it at around 12:45 today, I thought instantly: "What do I do if they're both gone?"...it's a spontaneous feeling, isn't it? When you hear that someone you love is in trouble? And it's horrible. Knocks the wind out of you for a moment...or longer...

So for this week's haiku, I'm just not feeling as sarcastic as usual. Contemplative maybe, and a little bit grateful...because they are okay, somehow managing to get out with only some bumps and scrapes for my grandma (and a fractured heel from her slamming the brake pedal), and a broken rib for my grandpa, but no other major injuries to speak of. And you see, my grandparents aren't what I'd consider "typical" for someone my age...they're pretty young (70 and just under) and they've always been "young" to me. So in my mind, they should stick around to see my kids (whenever the hell THAT happens *coughnevercough*), you know?

I guess that's part of the human condition...to go into a lull of naiveté about how impermanent everything really is - at least in this world. So it takes something jarring to bring your tiny human brain back to understanding the hugeness of that idea. And that is why this week the haiku subject is this: What in your life are you appreciating today?

As usual, I'll start -
husband, dogs, and cat
i'll take them, rank smells and all
the hugs are worth it

OR...
simplest thing, really
evening tv on the couch
while the dryer hums

Some Things Friday #31: THE BIG SALAD

Some Things I Love:
1. My credit card company actually called me to make sure the "suspicious activity" on my card was really me. Hmmm...you mean it seemed strange for a girl from the midwest with little to no travel under her belt to have a dotcom charge from London? Heh, excellent work, guys.
2. Have you seen Rat Race? If you need a raunchy and completely class-less laugh...OH. MY. GOD.
3. Big Brother 6 has a Head of Household Blog. Did you know this? Did you know they let the HOH take a ton of pictures during their week of "power"? And I've gotta say, any little bit more of Kaysar is a little bit more happiness for yours truly. (I hope he gets voted back in, I miss him already! Wah. Bring back the little brown hottie, you FOOLS!)

4. My favorite BIG SALAD at Paradise Bakery and Café...the Sampler Salad. I get to pick THREE of any salad, pasta salad, tuna salad, or fruit salad and they put it in a huge bowl and it's TOO BIG to eat all at once! That is, IF you get The Russian Lady. The Russian Lady is the only one who puts quite so much into the bowl, it's absolutely ridiculous...and I LOVE HER. I actually avoided eye contact with a perfectly sweet-looking girl yesterday who asked "Do you want a salad?" behind the counter and kept my eye on the prize: The Russian Lady. And then we locked gazes. And she said the magic words..."do you want a salad, miss?" Yes, my pet, yes I do.

Some Things I Hate:
1. I lost my chips. I thought I bought them at Meijer, but when I went to Meijer I had a slight panic attack because they weren't there. THEY WEREN'T THERE! Oh, bless-ed Sea Salt and Pepper Terra Kettles...where have you hidden your delicious golden treasure of snackitude?
2. Swimming in anything but a pool. Even then, it has to be child-free. I WILL NOT swim in a lake, pond, or the ocean (okay, so that one's because of my complete and utter fear of how fucking HUGE the ocean is and damn, won't it just swallow me up and kill me?).
3. Taking a 5-day weekend off from work at the spur of the moment (WAIT! you didn't let me finish!) to look for a new job, among other things. Bleh.
4. The possibility that, since my husband is 6'6", we could end up with a basketball-playing daughter. Like this:

Some Things I'm Confused About:
1. I am always a little bothered by the Amazon symbol in my explorer bar. Does anyone else see what I see?

2. When our STEWPID water cooler at home overflowed and spilled all over the kitchen floor while I was filling my glass because I was too busy looking at the puppy going "oh, look at her how cute...LOOK! LOOK!" to pay attention to what I was doing, the only words I yelped were: "I'm retarded! I'm retarded! Come help me! I'm retarded!" Now, no offense to the actual mentally-challenged, of course. Still...instead of "OH CRAP" or "DAMMIT"...???
3. Michelle Branch had a baby? Wha...? Huh? Ehh? I thought she was, like, 15 or something. I didn't know she was pregnant. And married to a 40-ish guy. I guess you could say I'm not her biggest fan, huh? Still, props to her I guess, starting young. She could have the whole Lorelei and Rory thing going on, which I totally and completely missed out on because HELLOoooO? almost 30 here with no kids in sight, and the only fun things my daughter and I will be able to do together will include "Let's pick out mommy's reading glasses" and "Time to go for mommy's mammogram!". Yay.
4. Why my stomach is KILLING me right now...I feel like someone kicked me in the gut. So I'm going to go make friends with the couch. (oooh, I hope it wasn't the other half of my BIG SALAD that I just ate...)

Half-Week Haiku 20: Just Kill Me Now

So does anyone have tips for quitting your job with style? You know, like George when he tried to get fired from the Yankees. Yeah, today was one of those days. I'm definitely itching to move on soon...

Let's just say I was actually thinking about getting on my knees and kissing - not just kissing - LICKING, with disgusting noises and even some heavy petting - the printer today for having its usual 'mechanical problems' (i.e., "print job needs resources"..."fuser warming up"..."please put paper in tray 2") simply because it KILLED 15 MINUTES OF THE LAST HALF HOUR OF WORK HELL today. Bless you, printer.

*sigh* So the haiku for this week is this: What person/piece of equipment/other evil aspect is the bane of your existence at work?

I obviously could go many ways with this. I'll do one to start...
if smiling i'm not
people stop and ask what's wrong
bite me, now move on

OR...
table in kitchen
stocked with evil concoctions
plot to keep me fat

Now you!