Sarcomical

Some Things Friday #35: Please Send Masseuse, ASAP. Thank You.

Some Things I Love:
1. The Mind of Mencia. The dude. Cracks. Me Up. He's SO damn funny and smart as hell. No, really.
2. Weather just cool enough to wear a light sweater outside.
3. Two words: Auntie Anne's
4. Her hair. And her sweater. And her lipstick. Stupid Anthropologie model. Pfffft. *JEALOUS AM I.* Oooh, I'm thinking I need to show this pic to some hairdresser this weekend. Hmm? Hmmmm?


Some Things I Hate:
1. Those stupid, whorish, dirty Bratz dolls. I hate them. Hhhhhaaate.

2. Dogs that won't stop farting on you.
3. Hospitals. Ugh. The smell. The greenish lighting. The constant sound of coughing. Two days ago, it was decided that I would go with 2 other coworkers to visit an older member of the church I work at in the hospital. (And not wanting to be labeled the Office Bitch Who isn't Nice Because She's the Young One, I went.) As we sat in the room, listening to her talk about her colonoscopy, rectal hemmoraging, and collapsing veins, I began to get more and more uncomfortable. While I definitely felt for her, of course (as we will all be old and somehow failing in health someday), I could NOT keep the tendon? on the left side of my neck from hurting. The more she talked, the more I couldn't stop thinking about how I had to GET OUT OF THIS DAMN ROOM I AM SUFFOCATING and that tendon just got tighter and tighter, and I found myself moving my head akwardly to the left and trying to shift my body weight to relieve the tension. I was quite close to hyperventilating. I had to make a fist and hold on tight to the window ledge I was sitting on to keep from running out of the room. I am NOT kidding. *SHUDDER* Hospitals! Ugh!
4. That my husband always tells me when he has to poop.

Some Things I'm Confused About:
1. Why do British people lose their accents when they're singing?
2. Whatever happened to that akward little girl on Full House?

...Oh. Nevermind. Good Lord, I love Wikipedia.
3. Why did my car smell like Play-Doh last week?
4. What should I do with FIVE glorious days off in a row, my internet dears, WHAT?!? I am frantic that I won't spend them wisely and will go back to work all "this sucks ASS" if I don't get some SERIOUS me-time and some QT with the husband, if you know what I mean. Hmmm...

Half-Week Haiku 28: Big'uns

So...you tell me. We saw each of the following items one right after the other in the toy department at Wal-Mart. THE TOY DEPARTMENT. Do you think there's anything wrong going on here? I'm just saying.


For this week's haiku, let's talk about our own weaknesses with food that is, shall we say, Tasty On the Tongue but Trouble On the Trunk? I'll go first:
i can walk past cake
donuts do not make me weak
but salt, oh sweet salt

...Haiku it Hottt Stuff.

(*p.s. As an aside...I just want to thank everyone for your kind words on yesterday's post. I appreciate that everyone seems to understand that I don't want any judging going on within this site - not of myself but of other commentors. I am so glad everyone seems to respect each other here. Thank you for that. And if I can say anything else, it is that empathy and compassion are the greatest acts we can commit on each other. I knew I could count on you for that, but most importantly I hope you can practice them on someone else you come across at their unspoken moment of weakness and need.)

Some Things Friday #34:...You Know What, Screw It

I simply cannot write a normal list for you this week because, to put it quite bluntly...

OH. MIGOD.

Yep. That's me. After a concert last night. Oh, and that other girl? Is Imogen Heap. Immi, formerly of Frou Frou fame. Imogen Heap that did THIS unthinkably cool as hell thing for me about a year ago. The lovely talented amazing darling whose music has meant so much to me over this past year of change in my life.

I was in a completely surreal state last night, and I think drove home a little high from it all while my husband, who met me at the concert, followed me (wait, maybe it was the smoke in the room that made me buzz?). Well, whatever. SO not the point. I talked with her. Like a dumb, blustering fool I asked my husband, "Should I talk to her? I should talk to her, shouldn't I?" See, it was a super-small venue and all the artists were just hanging out watching each other and being completely cool with everyone in the bar.

So there I went when she was done with her set (can I just say? - hearing her singing live is completely, unfathomably fantastic), after debating over whether or not I'd need a drink before getting up the nerve (must. be. COOL!) and started to fumble an attempt at introducing myself. Something like..."...um, hi, so I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself...um...see...I read Zefrank, and, ..." Okay, PAUSE: See, the reason she sent me her CD last year was because she saw a comment I made on HIS blog, and she knows him, and then checked out my site from my comment, and wanted to do something nice for me seeing that I had the last Frou Frou CD on my Amazon wishlist. Because she's bitchin' cool like that. But if you clicked the link above, you already know the story. *ahem* So anyway, I was going to try to segue into something like "...so I read Zefrank and comment there sometimes, and you probably don't remember this but you sent me a CD last year and..." but I had barely gotten out the "...see I read Zefrank and-" "-OH! You're Sarcomical!" she exclaimed. And this, oh Internet, is the point in the story where I lifted out of my body, floated above while Butch Walker sang, hovered over my real self and totally peed my surreal pants. She then gave me the warmest hug ever, the kind you give a friend you haven't seen in a while, and after we chatted a few seconds and she said we could get a picture together later, she went back up on stage for one more song. But not before saying "Oh wait, hold on...what's your real name?" Pinch me. HARD.

I had to have 2 drinks afterward to settle myself. "I wasn't cool...," I told my husband. "I totally and completely was a stupid stupid fan and HOLY SHIT did Imogen Heap just KNOW WHO I WAS?!? I'm such a dumbass but she was so sweet wasn't she? She's so nice and also she REMEMBERS ME? That is not something I can wrap my head around"...and blah blah blah. Then I thought "I didn't even wash my hair! I can't BELIEVE I just met Imogen with greasy, dirty hair pulled into a ratty knot and there she is with her clean hair and I probably just completely blew her opinion of me with my end-of-the-wash-cycle hair. DAMMIT! One should always have flowy blown-out goddess hair when there is potential of meeting a long-adored celebrity type. FOR SHAME.

But I was like "be cool, be cool...you can be cool", willing myself to be a somewhat intelligent person when I talked with her again. So when we went outside to see her after listening to some more sets (and waiting for my drinks to mellow out), she was just as warm, gracious and humbly sweet. We talked a little bit and got to get a couple of pictures together. I told her how wonderful I thought she was that night, and how incredible her music is...and she talked about Zefrank doing live standup and had I seen it? (no, but I'd love to because he's freaking hilarious and his sketches rock my world)...and how tired she was from the group taking her to meet and hang out with Motley Crue backstage the night before when she got off her plane...she said she was so happy to meet me and gave me another hug while I told her how wonderful it was to be able to speak with her finally...and all the while I thought about how pretty she was and how talented, and would she ever know how much she had impacted my life with her simple act of kindness?

Immi, I hope you do know how very much that and last night meant to me (in a completely COOL and UN-STALKER-FAN way, OF COURSE) and how fabulous you were to listen to live. And thank you for the privelege of that personal time.
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Oh, did I forget to tell you, patient Internet hotties, that this was part of the Hotel Cafe tour? We also saw:

Butch Walker - the boy can BELT IT, yo.

Cary Brothers - Uhh...so okay there is no other Brother. It's his name. I, um, thought there were 2 of them. Derrrr. Sorry, I wasn't thinking clearly...but when I heard him sing "Blue Eyes" (which was on the Garden State soundtrack) I completely remembered him. So shut up with the mocking and the pointing. And P.S.? He rocks.

Peter Searcy - A Hottttie who can definitely use that guitar.

Joshua Radin - Only heard him a bit, but VERY cool.

AND we got a free compilation CD with all the featured artists on the tour this year on it. Cool, eh?

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You can get Imogen's new album here (pre-order at amazon)...go to her site for US release info, and if you're like me, be completely and irrationally impatient and buy a UK version.

Half-Week Haiku 27: Slumber

A few minutes ago I was in an extremely uncomfortable position. Literally. And no, it wasn't like that so clean it up, kids. When I'm on the computer, sometimes I procrastinate peeing. Like, I wait and I wait because I am so engrossed in something that I...can't...walk...away. So, I had the puppy on my lap. Taking a sweet little nap. Aaaand I had my left leg crossed, ankle over the right knee. Suddenly, I had to pee like no tomorrow. I had been completely, obliviously unaware of it because obviously something on the internet had hypnotized me. I went to move....and oh shit that ankle is so totally asleep. No, not just the ankle, it's all the way up to the knee. Oh crap. And this was an INTENSE sleep, the kind that if you breathe wrong you want to cry until it passes. Those tingly needles that ARE SURELY GOING TO KILL YOU WITH THE MERCILESS STABBING OF MANY MANY MERCILESS POKES THAT ARE OF THE DEVIL. But I really, REALLY had to pee. Umm, sort of potentially a pee my pants issue if I didn't get to the bathroom NOW. And all the while Lucy is laying on my lap looking up at me going "What, you can't let me sleep you loud, annoying and persistently stupid human? Why are you moving?" Meantime, I am trying very hard to concentrate as I am dealing with both the pain of the prickly sleep of death and the bladder implosion that is about to take place. Slow, deep breaths. CONCENTRATE, DAMMIT! FOCUS! PEE OR PAIN, PEE OR PAIN?!? I wanted to get up and run to the bathroom, but as you know this was out of the question. I involuntarily began jiggling, and OH MY GOD.

I did not pee my pants and my leg did wake up and the puppy is back on my lap after yelling at me. Oh, you don't remember that she does THIS?

So anyway, why don't you try your hand at creatively describing the limbs-falling-asleep thing per your own experience? I'll go first:

one morning i woke
both arms flappy and useless
freaked out i admit

OR...
don't touch me at all
don't come close don't move YOU ASS
closer and i'll scream

Some Things Friday #33: Hofftastic

Some Things I Love:
1. Whistling in a room that echoes.
2. My new favorite comedian from listening to XM radio is Mitch Hedberg. When I told my husband, and said "We have GOT to go see this guy live!" he said "I think he just died?" "Shut up! ...Well, that would make it much harder, wouldn't it?" Okay, so that is not so happy. Turns out, he just passed away in March. But the guy's style (ironic one-liners, etc.) makes me laugh almost harder than anything else I've ever heard. Or read for that matter. Check it out.
3. The mother-in-law as a constant source of humor. Remember how I referenced in the last post about her bitching out the cops? Here's the story: M.I.L. and husband are selling their house. Buyer was extremely interested. Buyer was older woman with still-older mother to take care of. Buyer went to police and fire departments to ask about safety and crime. Both told her they wouldn't buy a house in that area. M.I.L. went to both departments "cleverly" pretending to be a potential buyer. Asked questions about crime and safety. When they told her, she "dramatically" revealed her identity. "That's MY house you're talking about. And you made us lose a sale! You shouldn't give your opinions about that kind of thing. Blah Blah BLAH." Thing is, the M.I.L. and husband have made SEVERAL calls themselves (that we know of, I'm sure there have been more) about "loud noise" from the neighbors and she has called a few times when she has been alone because she "heard a noise" in the house. So I'm pretty sure they've helped up their own incident rate. But here's the best part: after she went to the stations, she said they got a few hangup phonecalls that night. So she called my husband to tell him the story "...just in case something happens to Andy and I", because she thinks the cops are now on her ass.
4. Lee has shared with me his office's obsession with David Hasselhoff (aka The Hoff), as well as what it means to get "Hoffed" (it is, of course, all mocking in nature - Hoff Puns Gone Wild so to speak). With that knowledge, he has also shared some of the photos they've passed around. To wit:

...and, of course, because he hadn't killed me enough...
(you have to click it for full effect)

...and then - THEN - he hit me with this (aptly named, Sarcomhoff):

See more VERY funny Hoff mocking HERE.

Some Things I Hate:
1. People who request Read Receipts on the emails they send me at work. Now I'm under all this pressure to answer just because you have to know EXACTLY when I open your precious little email so you can keep track of EXACTLY how long I blow you off. Ass.
2. The beginning of football season.
3. That Jennifer Lopez is all over the media all of the sudden saying she thinks "J.Lo" feels juvenile to her and she wishes people would stop calling her by the name. Honey, you should have figured that one out a LOT earlier...like when the first person came to you and said "You know what would REALLY make you a household name and get people to take you seriously as an artist? We need to get them to call you a fun name that sticks in their heads AND sounds like a stripper alias - how about J.Lo?!?" and you said "Perfect! Don't you think so, Puffy?"
4. Football highlights at 11:00 pm.

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. Why does it feel so gross if you spit when brushing your teeth and miss and hit the toothbrush? I mean, think about it...
2. Will Rory and Lorelai start talking again on Tuesday? Or will they draw out this standoff with Rory in grandma and grandpa's poolhouse not congratulating Lorelai on her engagement to Luke? Tell me. TELL ME!
3. Period. 4 days early. Goddamit.
4. People who can eat beets.

Half-Week Haiku 25: In-Law Psychosis

Okay, so you want a Half-Week Haiku? Here's one that most of you should be able to relate to. And if not, slap your own ass and call yourself lucky.

hubby's dad smokes packs
and packs and packs this weekend
yep, all at my house

OR
same guy turns tv
every goddam moment to
classical music

what is this crap dear?
oh daddy wants his music?
fuck that - seinfeld NOW

OR
mom-in-law selling
deal breaks when buyer checks crime
she bitches out cops

Now...you go to town.