Sarcomical

Half-Week Haiku 32: Mad Mascots

You thought I forgot about you, didn't you? But I am too much in love with you to leave you hanging, my Friends of Internet Hotness. Today's haiku is pretty much going to take some of you back farther in the realms of your pasts than you wish to travel, but here it is:

Tell me about your high school mascot. Um, here was mine.
...No, LITERALLY, this was mine. I got this image from the school's site. Yep, big scary bulldogs. Ruff. See, high school mascots (well, mascots in general) are very rarely fine specimens of unbeatable superiority. You could really pick any of these mongrels to bits without even barely tapping your full sarcastic resources (and I KNOW you've got them because you're ALL mean and cold inside - ha!).
I'll go first...

Bulldog:
gonna kick your ass
oh wait have to lick my balls
and then lick your face

What was YOURS?

Half-Week Haiku 31: Not Brave

When I was a little girl, I used to be afraid that there were people watching me through my bedroom windows at night. I was absolutely CONVINCED that if I did not tuck the covers underneath me on all sides, and make them very puffy on top of me, that someone would come and stab me in the middle of the night and I would die because I did not have proper blanket padding between myself and the sharp instrument. And I always knew where my metal baton (you know, the twirling kind?) was in my closet in case I heard someone in the house and needed to protect my parents and sister by coming to the rescue and bludgeoning the intruder unconscious with it.

*cough* You could say I had a slight fear of the dark for a time as a child. For this week's haiku, tell me about YOUR childhood fear. I'll go first:

keep all limbs up here
creature under bed awaits
drop them and you're toast

Now you.

P.S. Gilmore Girls is sucking HUGE ASS and is on my naughty list because they promised some huge shocking secret to be revealed and all that happened was big fat NOTHING. The husband said, "Maybe the shocking surprise was that she got a Birken Bag?" That just made me laugh, out of frustration AND humor. DAMN YOU stupid show that is supposed to make me feel happy and carefree and is instead inciting my wrath. DAMN YOU.

P.P.S. To this day I can NOT go to sleep unless the blankets are tucked under me on all sides.

Some Things Friday #37: Eats Edition

Some Things I Love:

Some Things I Hate:

Some Things That Confuse/Scare Me:

Half-Week Haiku 30: Yep, You Got It, I Feel Like Crap

Just HOW sick I am is still in question, but I definitely feel crappy tonight. Yay me. Big freakin' hairy disgusting goddam Yay. A little bit feverish, very tired, and plain old yech. The lumpy throat? Now verging on scratchy and pissing me the hell off. Pretty sure I'll feel better by tomorrow, but right now I just want some soup and a blanket and Gilmore Girls. AHA! Gilmore Girls just might do the trick. Well, that and a shot of vodka (hey, my hot Russian sis-in-law says it kills the germs dead, so shut up). Oh, and if my husband would COME HOME FROM WORK ALREADY DAMMIT AND TAKE CARE OF ME LIKE THE PITIFUL LITTLE GIRL THAT I AM! *sigh*

On the up side, I looked really good at work today.

I'm trying to be entertaining here while not at my best, so hey, JUST DEAL. Some of you've asked to see my new hair color (L'Oreal Couleur Experte in Caramel Glaze), so here you go. Please ignore the a.) Cheesy GlamourShots Pose, but you know, if I've got control of the camera I'm going to try to look cute dammit and b.) the shiny-ness of my face, ick. Anyway, I like it. It looks a bit more reddish because of the flash, but it was really cloudy today so hey suck it up. Just kidding. I'm sick. Did I tell you? Be nice to me.

So...I have to go watch Rory and Lorelai NOT TALK TO EACH OTHER SOME MORE. And also, get a blanket. Oh, yeah that Haiku thingy. Here's what I'd like you to do for this week: Haiku how YOU revert to child-like behavior when you're not feeling well. What do I mean? Allow me to demonstrate:

whimpering vocals
blanket and fuzzy slippers
"honey, i can't reach"

Some Things Friday #36: Insert Witty Subtitle Here

Some Things I Love:
1. The smell of damp leaves in Fall - there's just something about walking outside to that smell that makes me feel like everything is relaxing and perfect in the world at that moment.
2. Access to music I LOVE on Yahoo Music Unlimited and being able to pile it all onto my Zenbaby for practically NOTHING, like:

3. That I'm old enough that NO ONE, no not anyone, can make me wear "sensible shoes" in the rain and cold. When I was little, my mom would make me wear these red rubber boots in the rain with Big Bird on the side. That was nothing, THEY at least fit over my shoes. Plus, I was really young and thought they were kind of cool. In the winter snow, however, when I got a tiny bit older, I had to wear blue snow boots with fuzz inside them down our long lane to the bus. They zipped on, and did NOT go over my shoes, so I was supposed to leave them on until I got into my classroom and then switch to my shoes. (We didn't have a lot of money then, so my parents were adamant that we get as much life out of our shoes as possible - they were to remain dry AT ALL COSTS.) I was mortified and also vain, so would sneak them off as soon as my butt hit that green seat, and on the way home I'd slip them on just before I got off at my house. (Because I was also sneaky and all rebellious in a completely non-exciting and non-dangerous way as a child.) But she could always tell that my shoes had gotten snowy and wet. And I would be in big trouble, my friend. Now I can wear heels in the rain and expensive shoes through the snow whenever I want. I may fall on my ass or have numb toes, but dammit I'm fashionable.
4. THIS. Good Lord, I LOVE THIS.

5. Despite my love for rebellious shoe choices, I am also SO VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY NEW LOVELY PRETTY SQUOOSHY FUZZY BOOTS. Yes, it's true. I have reverted. Fuzzy boots have won.

Some Things I Hate:
1. Chapped lips and NOT A BLESSED FRAGMENT OF LIP BALM IN SIGHT. It's like your lips are desperately drowning and it is so very miserable. Á la Napoleon Dynamite. P.S. - I am SO getting one of THESE for my desk. Oh and also? I already have THIS. Why are you leaving? Wait...come back!
2. The husband got a new Zen just because he jacked the one I gave him up and GOOD GOD they don't make that one anymore they only make the one with MORE SPACE on it, so he can fit MORE SONGS ON HIS than mine, and that really makes me mad. Hrmph.
3. Two Words. Work Evaluations. The going into the office and shutting of the door; the uncomfortable reading back of your answers to the questions; the annoying way you have to try to look all adult and professional when all you can think of is how you are pretty sure your cramps are coming and your period will start the next day and whoopee. But then they say they love you and how wonderful you are and how much they want to make sure you like it there and then you feel all smug and "HAHAHAHA SUCKAAAAS! You are SO fooled! I am not a real functioning adult, I am a POSER."
4. That I have discovered that my limit for maintaining a workout program is 2 and a half weeks. That is all. The end. I dislike this about myself and am going to have to kick my own damned ass now.
5. Nip/Tuck this season. Is it just me, or is this season just too much to handle? Ugh. I'm SO done with it.

Some Things I am Confused About:
1. Why would ANYONE want tapered jeans to come back?
2. Why does hiccupping have to HURT SO MUCH?
3. My husband spent FORTY-FIVE minutes in the bathroom once today. WHAT IS HE DOING? No, scratch that, please don't tell me. PLEASE.
4. That with all of this going on in the world, people still try to hurt each other ON PURPOSE. I am saddened and perplexed by our stupidity.
5. Where are all the mustard seed farmers? Have you seen how tiny those things are? Who is farming them? How do they get enough for just one bottle of mustard? How do they get those little seeds separated from the plants? I have a whole new respect for my beloved and most favorite hot dog condiment.

Half-Week Haiku 29: Shifting

Not feeling so much ironic today as philosophical (oh crap, way to ruin your Wednesday!), so tell me how you feel about this shift in seasons. What do you sense, smell? What do you love about fall approaching...or what makes you sad about summer ending? How can you put into words your personal experience as things begin to change this time of year?

I'll go first:
warm days, cool crisp nights
earth and plants take a fresh breath
i feel awakened