Because the holidays just aren't stressful enough...I've decided to go on The Master Cleanse starting today. This means that for 10 days I'll be drinking the lemon/maple syrup/cayenne mix (which I actually like) and having nothing else but the occasional peppermint tea.
I've had a very contemplative and emotion-filled past two weeks. The Husband has been traveling a bit more lately with his new job, and this has proven to be both good and bad. On one hand, I do miss having someone around the house to talk to and to break the moments of being stuck in my own head, but at the same time it's nice that I have the ability to be on my own schedule and also to really focus on my thoughts and progress.
I told you that I've been dealing with insomnia and before that I told you that I didn't feel like I was depressed, at least not at all in the manner in which I've dealt with it in the past. Actually, since that time I've gone back and forth between feeling completely insightful and at peace to feeling quite numb and fighting the urge to just lay down in the middle of the floor in the Christmas aisle at Lowe's - not because I was tired from the NOT SLEEPING I'd been doing but from the mere fact that I felt so alone and detached and plain old did not care if the dad looking at Christmas lights with his daughter had to step around my BLAH, WHATEVER, COAT-WRAPPED BODY.
Throughout these past few years I've gone through several course changes in thought involving things which make you up as a person. The way I consider religion, personal relationships, societal conventions, politics, my own goals and talents, and more have all undergone change as part of my entering into this newest decade of my life, and this has happened in almost an oozing, sneaky kind of way that has felt very natural yet at the same time makes me want to stop and make sure I'm aware of it all. I really think that every once in a while you just need to go through a "shedding of your skin" kind of catharsis to stay healthy and present in your own life, and that's what I feel I'm doing right now.
First of all, I feel I must clarify that in NO WAY SHAPE, OR FORM does this have to do with that Beyoncé business and all the media surrounding the weight she lost doing this cleanse. If you knew me at all in real life, you would know I find her more and more unappealing as a person as time continues. So that's not an influential factor. I was, however, intrigued by Denise's journey through this as well as several others, and how they approached this spiritually and emotionally.
I will be posting at the end of each of these 10 days to give you a breakdown of how I've done so far, if you want to follow along and see how it goes. I can already tell it's going to take so much discipline, as I freaked out last night and ate the rest of the cookies we made the other day and this morning I popped out of bed saying, "you know what, I don't think I want to do this! I don't need to do this!", after making our special trip to Wild Oats yesterday for all of the ingredients. You start each morning with a salt water flush (which you drink), and let's just say I cried.
Master Cleanse, Day 1:
- The Salt Water Flush Sucks. You have to drink 32 ounces (1 quart). THIRTY-TWO, which is like 4 glasses of water. First thing in the morning, and all at once. I got to about 4 ounces and felt like I was going to gag. It was so hard! I told The Husband that I was done; I couldn't do this. I watched the Sia video to try to focus on something other than how disgusted I was. When I finally finished, I just started crying because it was so physically and emotionally difficult.
- Pain. Pain, pain, pain. Very sharp pains in my stomach.
- The Husband says maybe I got the wrong sea salt. He goes to two stores to ensure that I have non-iodized salt, because he felt so bad for me and wasn't completely convinced the salt we got yesterday is, since it doesn't specifically say so on the container.
- Um, salt water came out, so to speak. I guess the way it was supposed to. Felt instantly better.
- Made lemon drink and liked it! What a relief.
- Still drinking, supposed to have around 8-10 glasses worth a day.
- Husband bought 20 more lemons today. It takes about 5 a day in the drink mixture.
- Am already feeling anxiety over tomorrow's salt water.
What am I hoping to gain from this? Well, I'm hoping to break past some of the limits I've bound myself with lately professionally, creatively, and physically. I want to try to work through any residual negative emotions and/or anxiety I've held onto regarding when we will have children, what steps I want to take in my life, and how I want to take care of myself in all ways. I also want to gain the strength of knowing that I can resist the crutch of munching on food when I'm bored, stressed or sad. I want to be very thoughtful and meditative, and gather my focus. I have felt like I see sluggishness and dullness in my ever-puffy eyes lately, and I am looking forward to seeing health and strength in them instead!
Okay, are you ready? Because I am so freaking nervous. I LOVE FOOD. It's one of my favorite luxuries, it's what I like to comfort myself with on cold days like these, and I'm going to be bombarded with Christmas smells and images of food these coming days. PLUS, I can't seem to stop watching the Food Network Christmas specials! I just have to keep in mind this is only 10 days of my entire life. And by Christmas, I will be able to enjoy some of it just fine.
OH! And The Husband will be gone about 10 days out of the next two weeks. So I'll be alone for a large part of this as well. Fantastic. Here I go...
