Okay, this gets heavy toward the end. Sorry, I'm feeling way tired and all other kinds of things.
The Master Cleanse, Day 5 Update:
- Woke up feeling even better than yesterday. Had an appointment to get my hair cut, and then went Christmas shopping afterward (having to skip the original lunch date I had set up with my stylist afterward and rescheduling for next week - I am SO EXCITED TO EAT THAT SUSHI it will be fantastic but not as fantastic as what The Brother-In-Law makes HINT-HINT a Sushi Feast Extravaganza would be, um, really WELCOME, you know, in case you guys are reading and wanting to make me cry tears of Food Appreciation after this is all over).
- Was feeling very "up" and brought some of the Lemon Drink with me in the car, but I didn't load up enough between parking lots to avoid the slump I felt after four hours. Uurrrghhh...
- I hit the lowest feelings of inability to continue today at around 6pm. It was strange because of how great I felt this morning, even telling my hairstylist that I actually hadn't had any major detoxing symptoms that I've read about. But later, I just felt sluggish and down. I came very, very, VERY CLOSE to veering into any place that would serve me fries or even a sandwich. I read when I came home more about how this could be right before I really clear some toxins, and they could be what are mobilizing and making me feel this way. So, despite the extreme amount of restraint it has taken me not to break this cleanse tonight, I am going to wait until tomorrow to see how I feel before I decide if I can finish out the complete 10 days. If I don't begin feeling better, I will probably end it when The Husband comes home on Saturday. I honestly believe the key is to not stop drinking the Lemon Drink at least every 20 minutes. Because you'll feel great, and not have any for a while, and then it will HIT YOU.
- Here's what I had going on In The Brain today - I have come face-to-face with some of my negative thoughts, and in a bare kind of way. While shopping, I was at this mall that tends to have lots of very, very wealthy people shopping in it. I came across a certain woman in a store and she was so put-together, so classy and gorgeous, with her perfect hair and face and shoes, and she looked like she might only have been my age. She seemed to be very professional, and gave off an air like an New York City fashionista. I caught myself being intrigued by her, and wondering intensely what she does for a living, how she lives, etc. I have had this problem with getting pangs of jealousy when I see people like that, who seem to have no financial worry, and it hit hard tonight.
This is especially since another thing that's been on my mind today is our financial situation, and how I am not really helping it in my effort to be this "creative, artist-type" person who can't seem to handle the restraints of normal working situations. (Must be free like a bird! Must have higher purpose! Gah.) I'm still doing some freelance work that's bringing in a (VERY) little money, but I feel very guilty. My husband has a great job, works hard, and makes a good salary, but we can't get ahead...and that just stinks at our age. I really feel that the key to this lies squarely on my shoulders. Tonight I am feeling very bad that I'm not doing more to remedy this. I haven't gotten comfortable with the idea of asking people to pay me to take pictures yet. Hell, I can't even get to a point where I feel finished with my portfolio website. I have to either throw those hangups in the trashcan or saddle up and look for another job very soon, because I don't want it to just be his responsibility.
One thing (which kind of affects above hangup) that The Husband and I talked about recently was how I sometimes literally can not make my mind cooperate with me. I wish I could explain it better, but right now it's hard to come up with the words. Let's just say that there are times when it feels like my brain is fighting against me when I'm trying to do certain types of things. It wanders, locks up, or feels overloaded and I physically feel angry and frustrated because of it. It's as if I can't turn the dial to the right frequency sometimes.
I've been reading a little bit about childhood brain injuries and am wondering if it's possible that the skull fracture I had as a baby caused part of my brain to try to compensate for the part that may have been affected. Some think that while it was previously thought that younger children recover and repair better than people who sustain injury at an older age, that in fact possibly the younger children with moderate brain injury or head trauma may seem to recover normally but because of the young mind's ability to adapt, part of the brain may try to take over for a part that has been injured. This means that later on in life, as they encounter more complex issues around college/adult age, the full impact of how the brain has been affected may become more apparent. (Google "brain injury", childhood, plasticity, etc. and you'll see some of the info come up.)
I don't want to grasp at straws, but I can't lie and say it wouldn't be a relief to me if this may be a contributing factor to my very long struggle with small but specific aspects of coping. I don't know. When I read it, it sounds a lot like what I'm feeling and going through. But all I know is, whether it's simple brain chemistry (ADD/depression) or this, my brain isn't always doing what I want it to do. So after this is over I might consider what methods are out there to help me to finally feel a little bit more normal in addition to the lifestyle choices I want to maintain that may help.
Oh My Good Lord. That was so long. Are you still even here?!?
