Sarcomical

What I Didn't Do in 2008

There is a fondly-held New Year's tradition here at Sarcomical - the listing of Anti-Goals for the upcoming year. You see, I don't list things I actually WANT to do, but things I DON'T want to do. Yes, THIS is a list you can confidently pen and know within the depths of your slightly lazy soul that you will look on them in one year's time without that sickening sense of failure. These non-aspirations laugh mockingly in the face of well-intended and sincere goal lists, for these items are either wholly unattainable or wholly unappealing, (thus my ability to carry out avoiding them is quite easy...well honestly, requires no effort whatsoever). I mean, just LOOK at all of the things I managed to NOT DO in 2008 (from last year's list):

1. Make guests drink out of the dog bowl.
   
2. Start stalking a local weather man.
   
3. Adopt Angelina Jolie.
   
4. Condition my hair with brownie batter.
   
5. Build a life-sized Lego castle for myself to host tea parties in.
   
6. Find a Doberman-sized dog sweater and wear it to all social functions.
   
7. Start wearing diapers so I don't have to get up from my computer to pee.
   
8. Try to take a bubble bath in the kitchen sink.
   
9. Convince The Husband that "Why, of course that poster of Paul Rudd has always been above our bed. Why do you ask?"
   
10. Ghost write the autobiography of Tom Cruise.
    
11. Petition for the return of Mr. Belvedere to television.
    
12. Try to breed ants.
    
13. Bleach leopard-like spots into my hair.
    
14. Lick a tree.
    
15. Replace my regular bras with coconut shell bras.

SEE?!? Do you SEE how easy that was? I can confidently say I did not do one thing on that entire list.

And now, I present to you, The Sarcomical Anti-Goals for 2009:

1. Grow a handlebar moustache.
2. Trip a waiter. On purpose.
3. Purchase underwear from Craigslist.
4. Knit some earrings.
5. Try to have small children screaming in public arrested.
6. Incorporate more sly winking into my conversations.
7. Join the teenage neighbors when they sunbathe on their front lawn.
8. Eat only things that are purple. Or striped.
9. Enter the female wrestling circuit under the name "Bam-Bam DeVille".
10. Give up walking altogether and transport solely via Hippity Hop bouncy ball.
11. Master the fine art of de-lousing.
    
12. Wear one of those personal fans on a necklace string and turn it on during social gatherings to get "that Beyoncé Effect".
13. Start biting my toenails.
14. Ditch everything in my closet and re-populate it only with apparel from the Disney store.
15. Become a hibachi chef at Benihana.

Happy Holidays from the SarcomiHouse, in pictures.

The photo that went in our Christmas card this year...which A FEW of you will be getting in the mail SOMETIME this week. Let's just say we were a little...tardy.

I made this garland one night using construction paper, red file folders, a silver calligraphy marker, silver brads, a star-shaped stencil, tiny razor blade cutter, and a long silver fabric ribbon...all things I found in the house. (Which is very odd, considering I am not a "crafter" in any way...although I did try to do collage journaling for a while, maybe that's where some of it came from...?) It took about 3 hours. And yes, it was an insomnia night.

 

Lucy doesn't know how to hold her surprise chewy stick. But she reminds me of some cigar-waving wise guy..."Lishen heere, sheee, I'm gonna give you one more chance, sheee..."

I went super cheap this year with the tree, and liked it that way. Found red beads that hadn't been used for a few years and bought rolls of red raffia (for about $1.99 each - only used one), cut it into even lengths and tied each in a plain knot on random branches. They curled from being on the roll. So easy.

Ricky gets the urge to take a nap even from simply watching ME do work.

We have a trio of tiny trees so we can have something lit in the room we watch television in, where we put up a very small amount of our older or more favorite unique ornaments.

Shiloh, uhhh, needs a bath. Pomeranians are hard, yo. The hair. It just...keeps growing, and the undercoat, MY GOD the undercoat.

Half-Week Haiku 51: Holiday Gorging Edition

I'll be honest. I do get excited about presents...I really do. But I get exponentially more excitement from the food that is splayed out for hours and hours to snack on and cause immense regret approximately 4 days later, when the glow of the holiday has tarnished a bit and the button on my jeans digs just a enough into my skin to make me feel uncomfortable.

For this haiku assignment, let's talk holiday food...any way you want to present it. What do you tend to overeat this time of year? Do you have a strange holiday food tradition? Who makes the food for your family? Are you a feaster or a scavenger? Haiku it, because it's time to start craving (and doing some extra workouts and self-talk to prepare for the guilt that will soon follow).

I'll get the ball rolling:

stab them with toothpicks
oooh, spread it on a cracker
i'll pop a hundred

or...

yes, i do believe
a better friend there is not
than this plate of cheese

...now YOU.

Something I Wonder...

How many women who end up in emergency rooms and need to have their clothes removed or cut off by doctors before surgery have on Spanx?