What I Didn't Do in 2008

There is a fondly-held New Year's tradition here at Sarcomical - the listing of Anti-Goals for the upcoming year. You see, I don't list things I actually WANT to do, but things I DON'T want to do. Yes, THIS is a list you can confidently pen and know within the depths of your slightly lazy soul that you will look on them in one year's time without that sickening sense of failure. These non-aspirations laugh mockingly in the face of well-intended and sincere goal lists, for these items are either wholly unattainable or wholly unappealing, (thus my ability to carry out avoiding them is quite easy...well honestly, requires no effort whatsoever). I mean, just LOOK at all of the things I managed to NOT DO in 2008 (from last year's list):

1. Make guests drink out of the dog bowl.
   
2. Start stalking a local weather man.
   
3. Adopt Angelina Jolie.
   
4. Condition my hair with brownie batter.
   
5. Build a life-sized Lego castle for myself to host tea parties in.
   
6. Find a Doberman-sized dog sweater and wear it to all social functions.
   
7. Start wearing diapers so I don't have to get up from my computer to pee.
   
8. Try to take a bubble bath in the kitchen sink.
   
9. Convince The Husband that "Why, of course that poster of Paul Rudd has always been above our bed. Why do you ask?"
   
10. Ghost write the autobiography of Tom Cruise.
    
11. Petition for the return of Mr. Belvedere to television.
    
12. Try to breed ants.
    
13. Bleach leopard-like spots into my hair.
    
14. Lick a tree.
    
15. Replace my regular bras with coconut shell bras.

SEE?!? Do you SEE how easy that was? I can confidently say I did not do one thing on that entire list.

And now, I present to you, The Sarcomical Anti-Goals for 2009:

1. Grow a handlebar moustache.
2. Trip a waiter. On purpose.
3. Purchase underwear from Craigslist.
4. Knit some earrings.
5. Try to have small children screaming in public arrested.
6. Incorporate more sly winking into my conversations.
7. Join the teenage neighbors when they sunbathe on their front lawn.
8. Eat only things that are purple. Or striped.
9. Enter the female wrestling circuit under the name "Bam-Bam DeVille".
10. Give up walking altogether and transport solely via Hippity Hop bouncy ball.
11. Master the fine art of de-lousing.
    
12. Wear one of those personal fans on a necklace string and turn it on during social gatherings to get "that Beyoncé Effect".
13. Start biting my toenails.
14. Ditch everything in my closet and re-populate it only with apparel from the Disney store.
15. Become a hibachi chef at Benihana.