What I Didn't Do in 2009

Oh yes, it's time to revisit the old tradition around here fondly known as The Listing of the Anti-Resolutions. While personally I always have an evolving list of actions and changes big and small that I strive toward in my life, I am less fond of the idea of making sweeping grandiose lists at the beginning of a new year simply because of the date on the calendar. HOWEVER, the new year seems a perfect time to list a few things I DON'T want to do in the coming four seasons. Why, do you ask? Well, come on, surely you can imagine how great my satisfaction is when I can look back and confidently say I successfully did not do one solitary thing on the list of things I didn't want to do in 2009. Remember this list?

Things I Didn't Do in 2009

1. Grow a handlebar moustache.
2. Trip a waiter. On purpose.
3. Purchase underwear from Craigslist.
4. Knit some earrings.
5. Try to have small children screaming in public arrested.
6. Incorporate more sly winking into my conversations.
7. Join the teenage neighbors when they sunbathe on their front lawn.
8. Eat only things that are purple. Or striped.
9. Enter the female wrestling circuit under the name "Bam-Bam DeVille".
10. Give up walking altogether and transport solely via Hippity Hop bouncy ball.
11. Master the fine art of de-lousing.
    
12. Wear one of those personal fans on a necklace string and turn it on during social gatherings to get "that Beyoncé Effect"
13. Start biting my toenails.
14. Ditch everything in my closet and re-populate it only with apparel from the Disney store.
15. Become a hibachi chef at Benihana.

It would be a lie to say I'm not proud of myself, especially for not doing number 7. Well, also number 1...though that would have been quite a conversation-starter. But enough chest-pounding over my success, it's time to set the groundwork for the next twelve months. Oh, let's see...what do I NOT want to do in 2010? What can I feel proud of not accomplishing this time next year. Hmm...how about this?

My Anti-Resolutions for 2010:

1. Gain 12 pounds in one meal.
2. Get rid of my cell phone and communicate solely via telegram.
3. Ship myself to the White House in a crate full of hope.
4. Single-handedly resurrect the Dorothy Hamill haircut.
5. Become a roadie for a traveling production of Jersey Shore: The Musical.
6. Bring a pie to the gym once a week and eat it on the recumbent bicycle.
7. Take up professional Etch-a-Sketching.
8. Write iCarly fan fiction.
9. Design a bra made out of safety pins.
10. Slowly and subversively train my husband to bring me a cheese platter every time the neighbor's dog barks.
11. Become President of a local Jon Gosselin fan club.
12. Build a fire pit in the bathroom.
13. Throw a botox party.
14. Write a play about the perils of toe socks.
15. Create a candle that smells like rotisserie chicken.

...think I can manage it?