I've been spending some time on NieNie today...and if you have never been to Stephanie's blog, please take some time to visit and familiarize yourself with her unbelievably inspiring story. I always take a deep breath when I move my mouse over to the little tab with her blue typewriter icon on it (yes, I have the tab to her blog permanently up on my window), because I know that I am about to be humbled, amused, moved, and swept up in the beauty of her spirit.
I started reading Nie a few months before the 2008 plane accident she & her husband were in which caused burns on 80% of her body, so I had already fallen in love with her colorful world of handmade goodness, creativity, silly photographs, children cute enough to crumble the stodgiest character, and the sweet and deep love story between her and her husband. This young woman was a beauty by most any standards, and I like all of her followers became an adoring fan.
Since she was able to begin blogging for herself again (after months in a coma and then in therapy), we have all been able to see what a true beauty she is. She looks completely different, has had to come to terms with her new life, and has embraced it wholly and without bitterness. She stresses that she is "not her body", and exudes the same spirit of happiness, creativity, joy and gratefulness that she did prior to the accident.
I say all of this because...when I spend time reading her thoughts, seeing her daily photographs...I wonder
Could I do the same?
I am not sure. I would like to think that I could overcome the loss of my current physical self - that I could retain the sense of who I am - if that challenge was placed before me. I feel humbled (I use that word a lot in my head when I think about Stephanie) when I think about how fussy bangs can ruin my mood, or how not feeling like I fit into my jeans right can make me not want to see any human for days. It is vain. But it is there. I remember that Stephanie, before her accident, was excited because she had just grown out a haircut she thought was too short and was glad to be in a ponytail again. So...I think she gets it. I think you get it. We all have those moments, don't we? It is human.
But when I think about Stephanie now, I realize that the INTENSITY of importance I place on those things is what I must keep in check. I feel petty. I feel ashamed by my little obsessions. Things become distorted so easily. Things feel so, so, so crucial. But they are not, really.
Would I be able to feel beautiful if I no longer recognized myself? Would I be able to feel beautiful if something happened to change the way strangers saw me? Do I have the ability to take that lesson now while I am so fortunate and cultivate an inner self so lovely and strong that it is independent of vanity?
I don't know. I can only try.
p.s. Stephanie, you are stunning. xoxo
