—Sabrina Ward Harrison (Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself)
I'm trying to decide if I still ever feel this way...
I like to think that, as I am approaching a birthday very many women do not like (35), I have grown into myself. Sure, that would be nice.
At the very least I think I've evolved, in my already-established relationships, to a level of genuineness and comfort - not comfort with THEM, but comfort with ME. As in, not trying to put on a performance in order to impress and be liked, not exerting energy toward judgment ("I can't believe she thinks that is normal!"), refusing to nurse negative-energy relationships and not being afraid to be a little imperfect.
But really, those things don't cover the SHOWING YOU WHO I REALLY AM idea, do they?
I am not generally, in real life, a spiller. I won't sit down with you over tea and share my latest emotional struggle, tell you about the last fight the Mister and I had (that started over english muffins), or confide my Dark Day moments to you. See, a long time ago, I sort of was that person. I was younger and thought of that as connection and was eager for advice. But along the way, I began to realize that some people love to feed off the drama of your life for reasons that are not altogether altruistic or helpful. I also started to see how hasty I was by letting all of Myself out like laundry on the line, when it actually feels good to hold some of you close and warm, tumbling in the privacy of your soul as you grow with each moment survived and learned from. Not Every One needs to know Every Thing.
I suppose in this way, there are things I do hold back...but I'm not sure that means I'm holding back who I am from the people I care about. I like to think of it as working on learning to cultivate peace and balance in my life and trying to make that what I put out more than the opposite. No, I'm not all Zen-Master of Om with friends; I still toss out a wry comment here or a sarcastic wisecrack there and DO I EVER ENJOY IT, but as far as personal drama and hardship? I'd much rather be there to support you in yours than talk about mine.
Honestly, probably the thing I show others the very least is the fact that I am still figuring out WHO this person is. I've still got some questions about mySELF, questions that have gone unanswered for too long because of a muddled youth or a clouded mind or a traumatized spirit or a timid heart or any number of other culprits that basically boil down to ME. There is no one else who can clear this up, and that's been my journey for the past couple of years - well, almost 35 of them, I guess.
Showing that I don't have this self figured out completely yet...that is probably what I don't show most of all.
