Sarcomical

Friends In My Head

 

Okay, in order for me to do this I have to admit that I've seen the Wendy Willams Show and have heard her use the phrase "friends in my head". So...let's just shake off the shame of that sentence and move on, shall we?

Ahem.

Anyway...when said flamboyant talk show hostess uses the phrase "friends in my head", she's referring to a celebrity who she imagines she would be fast friends with if they only knew each other. A frivolous game, yes, but one I think a lot of us play from time to time, don't we? Okay, maybe just a few of us, but hey, I'll admit to it. Yes, I like to think I have very selective "friends in my head" criteria, and on occasion there are a few celebrity-types who pique my interest enough to begin daydreaming about us bonding at Sephora and having heavy discussions over coffee and mocking men wearing white socks and watching The Daily Show together. Absolutely, there are a few people out there who I crush on enough to imagine us being besties (ew I hate that word). Here are some of those in no particular order:

Kate Walsh
endearing characteristics:  naturally funny with a tiny twist of snark, admitted & unabashed Cat Lady, could introduce me to her colorist and maybe Taye Diggs

 

 

 

 

 

Tim Gunn
endearing characteristics:  GET IN MY POCKET YOU DARLING MAN, super encouraging, would never let me leave the house in something ugly, could get my husband into more a good jacket

 

 

 

 

Bethenny Frankel
endearing characteristics: sarcasm up the wazoo, loves dogs, not a fan of BENSIMON!, could teach me some recipes, FREE SKINNYGIRL MARGARITAS

 

 

 

 

Steve Martin
endearing characteristics:  "ALL I NEED IS THIS CHAIR...", seriously intelligent & prolific, so cute, would not go to Sephora with me but would probably put on plays in the backyard or give me pointers on comedic timing or something

 

 

 

 

Lauren Graham
endearing characteristics: quick wit, running buddy, UM...LORELAI GILMORE ENOUGH SAID

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Drew Barrymore
endearing characteristics: peace & love sweetheart, would fill my boho easy-breezy friend void, loves Beck, seems like a girl who would dig into a massive plate of nachos with me while watching black & white movies

 

 

 

 

 

So...who are some of your "friends in your head"?

Oh, you mean THAT friend...how silly of me.

Whilst intensely watching a football game at our home last night with his brother, Mr. S. was, for reasons far too convoluted to explain yet quite innocent I assure you, trying in vain to come up with the word 'burlesque'.

"You know...no no no, not a strip club, what is that word?"

"Hooters?" his brother chimed unhelpfully.

"No! Not like that, you know, it's not...you know, there's a stage..."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said.

*frustrated arrgh* "No, yes you do! Our...friend has some, he owns one, you know that guy...Chuck! You know Chuck, he owns them! uh...come on!"

"Who the hell is Chuck?"

"CHUCK!!! ahh, Chuck, oh crap what's his name...we know him, our friend...I mean that guy...Chuck...Chuck..." *beseeching eyes*

"I did not know we HAD a friend named Chuck, where am I supposed to go with this?"

"CHUCK! FROM THE SHOW! I know you know this...CHUCK!"

"Oh my God, are you talking about Chuck BASS?!?"

*beat of silence*

I DIE. I DIE WITH TEARS SEEPING FROM MY EYEBALLS. I DIE LAUGHING SO HARD I HAVE DEPLETED ALL OXYGEN FROM MY CELLS.

While I am laying there dead, the husband has to explain to his brother that Chuck Bass is from Gossip Girl, that he watches Gossip Girl, and apparently a fictional character who owns a burlesque club and posesses questionable moral qualities is our friend.

asteroid? no thank you.

I'm sure that at least by now you have heard the (disturbingly? I mean HELLO) tiny mentions of the asteroid that missed sideswiping Earth by a decidedly UN-funny margin last week. I do realize that in the grand scheme of the universe, perhaps this was not as massively uncommon or unlikely as I like to pretend it is, but bear in mind that this is a girl who starts to verge into anxiety attack territory when she pauses to seriously contemplate the possibility that she could be hanging somewhat upside-down (or at least sideways) from the planet at a given moment.

Oh, yes, you read that right. I can talk myself momentarily out of my faith in gravity.

It's understandable then, no, that I might get a little twitchy when I, say, do the search to find that link up above and in the process come upon animated satellite images of the earth's tilt changing in a fashion and speed I do not find pleasant.

Also not in the cheerful tidings department, did you catch in that first CNN link how the guy indicated that "oh yeah, there are totally official-type people designated to be on top of all of that HURTLING, MONSTROUS, SPACE ARTILLERY" - lots! of people! looking years & decades ahead! - and yet he just happened upon said Not Tiny asteroid LAST WEEK???

I was not comforted by this information.

Oh, and also. Apparently we have been discovering them more and more, nearly 100 each year. (P.S. - for the love of God, do not type "asteroid 2036" into Google unless you really want to dwell on some unsavory material.)

But listen, I'm not here to be an alarmist...as nervous-handkerchief-waving as this entire entry may seem to have been. Despite my uncanny ability to get worked into a fizz over outer space, deep water, suspension bridges, and The Shining, I don't honestly live my life in fear of things. And really...I'm sure this asteroid-careening business has always been this way. We just didn't know about it. 

...aaand one more point for Ignorance!

The Love Affair with Bourdain Continues...

As I get ready to post this clip of the No Reservations preview for the Venice episode that will air tonight, I'm actually watching my DVR'd Mexico episode and find myself wrestling an overwhelming craving for hand-patted blue corn tortillas, slow-simmered beans, and anything with cilantro or freshly chopped salsa on it. RAWWWR.

Also, I want Tony's cowboy boots.

But I will skip the grilled brain meat taco. Thank you.

Tony. Bad Boy Tony. Travel Channel. 10pm.

This May Explain the Strange Twinge of Attraction

If you watch SNL with the loyalty that I do (thank god for a decent season again), perhaps you've noticed something I have. Bill Hader looks remarkably similar to Marcello Mastroianni. You know, Marcello of La Dolce Vita and Divorce, Italian Style fame (the former being one of my favorite old movies).

And ladies? Marcello=HOT. He just happens to be one of the fine fellows in my Old-School Actor Crush Club, which boasts members such as Christopher Plummer, Young Jimmy Stewart and Carey Grant. I suppose Hader's similarity to Mastroianni in certain lights at certain angles is what sometimes causes this moment of "heeeyyy...", because I don't Super Love some of his sketches and frankly he can come off as a big doof. Still...in just the right moments, it's a little eerie, right?

technorati tags: NaBloPoMo, SNL, Marcello Mastroianni, Bill Hader

The World has Changed...

Things that Happened While We Were in Line to Vote:

• The Husband and I managed to both pull our phones out to text/look online/email at the same time over and over, successfully looking like a couple of tools.
• The Husband struck up a micro-conversation with gentleman in front of us holding a tiny child. The Husband commented re: the child that "she looks like she might not last a really long time here, huh?" I bit my lip, as the child was obviously a boy (blue onesie, rumpled hair, blue pacifier) and gave The Husband the Wide-Eyes associated with "are you SERIOUS?!?" inner dialogue. The dad politely joined in micro-conversation, stealthily dropping in a few "how you doing, Sailor?"'s and "hey, buddy"'s while referring to the obviously male child. Said gentleman then abruptly commented: "I guess we'll find out today if the media is right, huh? ...Of course they seem to be pretty biased, anyway." We forced polite smiles with fake laughs.
• The woman behind us chatted up election official standing near us in line, asking what types of issues were on the ballot. Apparently she did not care to research this beforehand. We, however, did. And we filled out a sample ballot online last night to print and bring with us to make it easy to remember who/what we were voting for in each question. She asked to see The Husband's printout so she could find out what to expect to vote on. We thought we saw a silent balk when she saw question #1 with Obama as the selection.
• I found myself looking at people's clothes, mannerisms, and even some unfortunate hairstyle choices, trying to guess by appearance only who their Presidential choice may be. Not sure how accurate this method is. I don't really recommend it for the folks at CNN.
• We watched it take more time for an election volunteer to explain using the "I Voted" sticker to get a free coffee from Starbucks than for her to explain the voting booth process to each voter as they approached.
• I Twittered from the line. And had a paranoid feeling people behind me were reading my phone screen.
• I looked down and noticed how truly horrific my mangled cuticles looked and promptly began hiding them under crossed arms and inside the Vanity Fair issue I brought to help pass the time. And also made a firm decision to spend the next week in moisturizing gloves.
• I voted for Barack Obama. Who just happens to have been named our next President this evening. And I am ecstatic to see how the world and the future responds.

technorati tags: NaBloPoMo

Oh. Em. Gee. Can we FINALLY get this over with?

Tomorrow is the day. One of the most significant elections of our lifetime at eternally long-last will be here. I swear, the tension this process has created can practically be felt in the air, like little particles of High Stakes Election Dander.

Personally? I'm hoping I'll stop picking my cuticles nervously after tomorrow night. I have red, pulsating fingertips that would really like some relief after a month of irritated merciless attacks perpetrated as I watched the damned CNN "undecided voter" guage lines going up and down haphazardly during debates, or cringing and clenching over Crazy-Eyes Bachmann on Hardball, or listening to a family member say Colin Powell's endorsement was racially-motivated while I dug the heel of my hand into The Husband's knee under the table to keep from jumping across the green beans and salad and busting through the window pulling my hair out.

(ahem: "Crazy-Eyes Bachmann")

So I guess you could say I am quite glad this will be decided once and for all, so we can go back to laughing at i can has cheezburger photos, like this one I made a while back, instead of Twittering and blogging fuming reactions to something one of the candidates/pundits/congresspeople/our parents/the damn neighbor said about our favorite candidate/belief/position/yard sign. (Also? If this goes the way I'm hoping, I might try to blame my depression on Bush.)

Some Things Friday #65: I Can't Believe I've Gone 4 Months Without Giving You a Some Things List (shame!)

Some Things I Love:

1. A breeze blowing through an open window.
   
2. Soft, cozy clothes to be lazy in.
   
3. The naked vegetarian burrito with black beans, cilantro rice, salsa verde, extra pico, guacamole and cheese at Qdoba. mmm...
   
4. Black nail polish.
   
5. Italian singers from the 50's and 60's like Dean Martin and Louis Prima. Here, enjoy some Friday Happy: (p.s. - your feed readers won't show you the video below)
   

Some Things I Hate:

1. When the left turn signal at a light skips me.
   
2. Meatballs.
   
3. That I haven't started running again yet. Um, yeah, I think the excuse of it being too hot outside flew out the window when it went from being 90 degrees at night to 61 right now. That's PERFECT burning-off-your-ass weather. See? SO perfect:

   
   (p.s. - Saturday? 67? WHOOT.)
   

4. The word 'deodorant'.
   
5. Shuffling cards. Too much pressure to do the smoothest and fastest shuffle each time. I simply can't live up to those expectations.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Why some guys who will never spend a single day in the "wilderness" or even outside of town for more than 30 minutes still feel the need to carry a pocketknife every single day.
   
2. Julie Chen's head-to-body ratio. 'Tis frightening.
   
   
3. Why the cat has to come up to lay by my head at night right after he's done pooping.
   
4. Which way am I supposed to turn the humidity control tab on my vegetable drawer in the refrigerator? Does high mean high control? Or high humidity? Because things have been getting mushy in there lately very fast no matter which way we move it. grrr...it makes me frustrated.
   
5. Why I always remember how thirsty I am when I have no water near me to drink.

technorati tags: Dean Martin, Louis Prima, Julie Chen,

Half-Week Haiku 46: Oops, I Shaved My Head

Oh, sweet heavens and a bag of Cheetos, I'm starting to think this girl would make out with her grandmother in the back seat of a car just to get into another news day. Honestly, I don't want to imply that she doesn't have the right to her nervous breakdown, or that because she is a celebrity she should be more perfect than the rest of us, but I just wish that her people would DO something to shield our eyes from the burning - DEAR GOD MY EYES, THEY ARE MELTING INTO MY FACE. Aren't you all asking the same question I am - How early is too early to get those babies into therapy?

Today's haiku topic is pretty evident, yes? But there's a little catch. Slap down your 5-7-5 about what you think is coming up next for BaldyBritster. Use your fabulous skills of reasoning, logic, or imagination to determine what we'll see as her next headline.

In the grand tradition of Half-Week Haikus past, I shall go first to inspire you and break the ice:

brit bolts from rehab
obsession flares for JT
caught stealing his draw'rs

Now YOU.

technorati tags: Britney Spears

Half-Week Haiku 45: I'm Totally Surious

You know I have to do it.

You know how I feel about Tom Cruise. (Not warm and fuzzy.)

I have to say something about the Suri photo.

I am not going to mock the child or say she isn't cute, because a) she's just a baby, it's not her fault, and I'm not a jerk and b) she is pretty darn cute. But there's something a little...shocking? unsettling? almost bizarre? about her. She looks exactly like a little computer-assisted merging of a photo of Tom and parts of Katie's face. I'm not going to lie. When I first saw this (not on the official Vanity Fair site), I wondered if it was a joke. It's kind of surreal-looking, don't you think?

So here's your haiku assignment today (I know you're a little rusty since it's been a while since I made you do this, but suck it up): Use your imagination and haiku anything that think you see in Suri's future. I'll go first, as usual.

suri tries to date
but the guys just try to see
mom out by the pool

Now YOU.

Some Things Friday #51: Celebrity Couples Edition

Not only am I taking it upon myself to mock the celeb Combo-Name monickers forced upon us by the media, but I'm making up some of my OWN. Take THAT, beyatches. And they are RIDICULOUS.

Some Couples I Love/Think Are Almost Too Cute To Live:

• Trita/CastaRita
  
  
• KyKev/Fat-Free Bacon
  
  
• BroderSex/Carrie BradBueller
  
  
• Coldplyneth
  
  
• Pravolta/Jelly/Greased Kelly
  

Some Couples I Hate/That Make Me Want to Puke:

• TomKatchabirthingpod
  
  
• BobbinforCrack/WhitnoBobby
  
  
• Brangebabycrazy/Brangeblech
  
  
• Camerustin/TimberDitzy
  
  
• FederUgh/Britnojustno/FederBillies
  

Some Couples I Just Don't Get/Kind of Don't Want to Look At:

• Indiana Bones/Ally McGeezer
  
  
• DemiTool/Kuchemoore
  
  
• Guyballah
  
  
• Bennifer 2/JenniLoser
  
  
• HoboHudson
  

Some Things Friday #49: Celebrity Edition

Some People I Love:

1. I admit to the cliché wholeheartedly. I LOVE Lucy. A GENIUS, that woman. And daaaaamn, girl. Who knew you could be so sexaaay?
   
   
2. Come on. Anyone who doesn't love him can exit quietly. If you're not with Jerry you're against us. And then the terrorists will win.
   
   
3. It's because he's Harry. Beautiful, beautiful Harry. And I've loved him for almost 15 years, so it doesn't matter how many mediocre-sounding akward albums he puts out in between the incredible ones. I love, love, LOVE. And p.s. - he smells good. I know because as I keep telling you I hugged him during a FABULOUS moment that I also keep promising to tell you about. Which I will. But not today.
   
   
4. I. Can't. Help. My. Self.
   
   
5. I love that she says "fellow" as in "he's such a nice-looking fellow" and that she's made her looks work for her as she's grown older. And she always seems so freaking polite. It's sweet and refreshing.
   

Some People I Hate (or let's just say have a Strong Distaste for):

1. Do I need to explain ALL THE REASONS WHY?
   
   
2. I liked it better when she WASN'T a slutty over-processed version of herself. And even then...I don't know. But I want her to GO AWAY.
   
   
3. Something about him just says "icky" to me.
   
   
4. I just can't stand this guy.
   
   
5. His mouth. OH MY GOD HIS MOUTH. It is disgusting. I can't look at him. The way he contorts like a circus freak while he's singing....it's hideous. You CANNOT miss clicking on that third pic. (This is John Mayer for those of you who were wondering...)
   

Some People I Just Don't Get:

1. She is entirely and creepily too mature for her age. And how is it that this child can scare the SHIT out of me in a movie? Talented, for sure, but a little strange. And why the hell does she have to look so happy on that freak's shoulders? ICK.
   
   
2. The magic comes, the magic goes. One decade brilliant, another flat and boring as hell. Ah Woody, you are a mystery.
   
   
3. When you can look as good as she seems to be able to, and, you know, FUNCTION IN SOCIETY and whatnot, I just don't get it...
   
   
4. How does she still look this good? HOW?!? I want to know what she does so I can start doing it IMMEDIATELY.
   
   
5. I'm scared of Burt's new face.