Sarcomical

A Message for the Hesitant Spiller...

When it comes to resisting the deeper corners, the fuller vulnerability in what you create, express, or allow yourself to access...

Why not be raw? Why not be real? Who will you offend with the absolute truth?

Declare, shout, scream how you feel.

Cry, weep, wail your heart onto the earth.

Create something so true that it makes others FEEL.

That is my challenge to you. And to myself.

technorati tags: NaBloPoMo

My Musical Flashback: "Walk Like an Egyptian", the Bangles, 1986, age 10

It struck me as I was making my "Memory Lane Overload - 80s & 90s" playlist on Rhapsody the other day (ahem) just how much of our formative lives is heavily-ridden with musical bookmarks that trigger precise feelings, states of mind, and actual pinpoint moments more than almost any other cue.

I'm a music FaReeeak! And also a bit of a Contemplative Geek at times. This means of course that I can't resist - documenting some of the memories I flash to when hearing certain songs sounds like OH SO MUCH FUN. So, I think I'll do it.

Starting now.

My Musical Flashback: "Walk Like an Egyptian", the Bangles, 1986, age 10

this house full of girls, girls, girls

five sisters and then there is me

diving into the "play makeup" and Aqua Net

your slumber parties were rarely without costumes and acting skills employed

enough blush to be seen from space and now it's time to practice

tease, tease, tease that hair!

cue camera operator!

take 4

dancing from bed to bed, egyptian-walking and lipsynching perfection

music video Stars need their Pringles and pizza

screening event with your parents

Success! once again the audience is impressed

(we put on many acts

mini-movies were made of pure genius HAHAHA

would make phenomenal blackmail today)

scrubbed-up and pajama'd, scary movie time if you dare

your mom brings popcorn sprinkled with something delicious

what was that? to this day i have no idea

crunch crunch hold hands!!! eek gasp

never as scared as i were you and your sisters

but you also told the best ghost stories

you taught me the art

of whispering a dream into a sleeping girl's ear

giggles as she recounted confused pieces of it in the morning

wake up

pancakes and eggs and loud and lovely

   

p.s. in memory of your mom.

Sigh. This One's a Little Raw.

Okay, this gets heavy toward the end. Sorry, I'm feeling way tired and all other kinds of things.

The Master Cleanse, Day 5 Update:

• Woke up feeling even better than yesterday. Had an appointment to get my hair cut, and then went Christmas shopping afterward (having to skip the original lunch date I had set up with my stylist afterward and rescheduling for next week - I am SO EXCITED TO EAT THAT SUSHI it will be fantastic but not as fantastic as what The Brother-In-Law makes HINT-HINT a Sushi Feast Extravaganza would be, um, really WELCOME, you know, in case you guys are reading and wanting to make me cry tears of Food Appreciation after this is all over).
  
• Was feeling very "up" and brought some of the Lemon Drink with me in the car, but I didn't load up enough between parking lots to avoid the slump I felt after four hours. Uurrrghhh...
  
• I hit the lowest feelings of inability to continue today at around 6pm. It was strange because of how great I felt this morning, even telling my hairstylist that I actually hadn't had any major detoxing symptoms that I've read about. But later, I just felt sluggish and down. I came very, very, VERY CLOSE to veering into any place that would serve me fries or even a sandwich. I read when I came home more about how this could be right before I really clear some toxins, and they could be what are mobilizing and making me feel this way. So, despite the extreme amount of restraint it has taken me not to break this cleanse tonight, I am going to wait until tomorrow to see how I feel before I decide if I can finish out the complete 10 days. If I don't begin feeling better, I will probably end it when The Husband comes home on Saturday. I honestly believe the key is to not stop drinking the Lemon Drink at least every 20 minutes. Because you'll feel great, and not have any for a while, and then it will HIT YOU.
  
• Here's what I had going on In The Brain today - I have come face-to-face with some of my negative thoughts, and in a bare kind of way. While shopping, I was at this mall that tends to have lots of very, very wealthy people shopping in it. I came across a certain woman in a store and she was so put-together, so classy and gorgeous, with her perfect hair and face and shoes, and she looked like she might only have been my age. She seemed to be very professional, and gave off an air like an New York City fashionista. I caught myself being intrigued by her, and wondering intensely what she does for a living, how she lives, etc. I have had this problem with getting pangs of jealousy when I see people like that, who seem to have no financial worry, and it hit hard tonight.
  
  This is especially since another thing that's been on my mind today is our financial situation, and how I am not really helping it in my effort to be this "creative, artist-type" person who can't seem to handle the restraints of normal working situations. (Must be free like a bird! Must have higher purpose! Gah.) I'm still doing some freelance work that's bringing in a (VERY) little money, but I feel very guilty. My husband has a great job, works hard, and makes a good salary, but we can't get ahead...and that just stinks at our age. I really feel that the key to this lies squarely on my shoulders. Tonight I am feeling very bad that I'm not doing more to remedy this. I haven't gotten comfortable with the idea of asking people to pay me to take pictures yet. Hell, I can't even get to a point where I feel finished with my portfolio website. I have to either throw those hangups in the trashcan or saddle up and look for another job very soon, because I don't want it to just be his responsibility.
  
  One thing (which kind of affects above hangup) that The Husband and I talked about recently was how I sometimes literally can not make my mind cooperate with me. I wish I could explain it better, but right now it's hard to come up with the words. Let's just say that there are times when it feels like my brain is fighting against me when I'm trying to do certain types of things. It wanders, locks up, or feels overloaded and I physically feel angry and frustrated because of it. It's as if I can't turn the dial to the right frequency sometimes.
  
  I've been reading a little bit about childhood brain injuries and am wondering if it's possible that the skull fracture I had as a baby caused part of my brain to try to compensate for the part that may have been affected. Some think that while it was previously thought that younger children recover and repair better than people who sustain injury at an older age, that in fact possibly the younger children with moderate brain injury or head trauma may seem to recover normally but because of the young mind's ability to adapt, part of the brain may try to take over for a part that has been injured. This means that later on in life, as they encounter more complex issues around college/adult age, the full impact of how the brain has been affected may become more apparent. (Google "brain injury", childhood, plasticity, etc. and you'll see some of the info come up.)
  
  I don't want to grasp at straws, but I can't lie and say it wouldn't be a relief to me if this may be a contributing factor to my very long struggle with small but specific aspects of coping. I don't know. When I read it, it sounds a lot like what I'm feeling and going through. But all I know is, whether it's simple brain chemistry (ADD/depression) or this, my brain isn't always doing what I want it to do. So after this is over I might consider what methods are out there to help me to finally feel a little bit more normal in addition to the lifestyle choices I want to maintain that may help.

Oh My Good Lord. That was so long. Are you still even here?!?

Are You Getting Tired of the Updates Yet?

No? Because I am kind of. However, I did promise, so here you go:

Master Cleanse, Day 3:

• I had a very dull headache part of the afternoon, but not too bad.
  
• Have been a little hungry, but not more than that little twinge you get before you decide to make a meal.
  
• I've gotten more energy as this day went on and fully plan on going out to Christmas shop a bit tomorrow and make some things at home. Granted, these last two days I've been feeling low-key, but I really think that's been part of the emotional aspect and not purely physical.
  
• Tongue still a little gray, but almost back to normal.
  
• Today's breakthrough moment was realizing how much I use food - planning what I want to eat, thinking about what I want to eat, making it, eating it - to fill in some bored spots during the day. And I'm not what you'd call a compulsive eater! I'd bet a lot of you might have the same experience. I never noticed before how many times I do that. Really that's been the thing this day - coming up to a point where I could focus on something else, but instead wishing I could figure out dinner for tonight, or what snack I would want next. Weird. I think I also noticed it more today because The Husband isn't in town at the moment, and I think I do lean toward Food as Company! Not that it's SO bad to do that sometimes, but I'm learning new ways to deal with that time.
  
• My mind has a lot of clarity today; it's really nice. Some of the clouds I've felt brewing in my mind the past couple of months have begun clearing. I was hoping for this when I began this process.
  
• Even though I haven't put on makeup for two days, when I look in the mirror my eyes look brighter and my face doesn't seem to be drooping ever-so-slightly toward Earth's center when I see it - okay, bring on more of that!
  
• For some of you who asked - yes, you can drink water in addition to the drink, and occasionally some peppermint tea. I had some today and I felt my sinuses getting really clear. I am breathing easier than I have in a while.
  
• I've felt really positive today and think tomorrow will be a breeze. I might even do some gentle yoga tomorrow as well.

Some of you have expressed concern; I knew I couldn't put this out there in The Internet without some of that coming back at me. It makes sense. I understand your right to question it. But believe me, I'm NOT the most disciplined person in the world (although this is quite an exercise in that respect), and don't like being miserable. If I feel truly bad and like I'm doing something that's hurting me, I'll know to let it go and take it in as part of the experience. But for now I don't feel that way and still think there is more for me to learn through it. Because most of what I hope to gain is inside and not outside, my goal isn't just to push myself for not eating's sake. God, I Love Food! And I intend to eat food and enjoy it thoroughly after this. In fact, I'm going to plan some very special meals for myself when I'm done.

Hmm...thinking perhaps something in the crockpot.

I'll Really Be Appreciating Christmas Dinner This Year

Because the holidays just aren't stressful enough...I've decided to go on The Master Cleanse starting today. This means that for 10 days I'll be drinking the lemon/maple syrup/cayenne mix (which I actually like) and having nothing else but the occasional peppermint tea.

I've had a very contemplative and emotion-filled past two weeks. The Husband has been traveling a bit more lately with his new job, and this has proven to be both good and bad. On one hand, I do miss having someone around the house to talk to and to break the moments of being stuck in my own head, but at the same time it's nice that I have the ability to be on my own schedule and also to really focus on my thoughts and progress.

I told you that I've been dealing with insomnia and before that I told you that I didn't feel like I was depressed, at least not at all in the manner in which I've dealt with it in the past. Actually, since that time I've gone back and forth between feeling completely insightful and at peace to feeling quite numb and fighting the urge to just lay down in the middle of the floor in the Christmas aisle at Lowe's - not because I was tired from the NOT SLEEPING I'd been doing but from the mere fact that I felt so alone and detached and plain old did not care if the dad looking at Christmas lights with his daughter had to step around my BLAH, WHATEVER, COAT-WRAPPED BODY.

Throughout these past few years I've gone through several course changes in thought involving things which make you up as a person. The way I consider religion, personal relationships, societal conventions, politics, my own goals and talents, and more have all undergone change as part of my entering into this newest decade of my life, and this has happened in almost an oozing, sneaky kind of way that has felt very natural yet at the same time makes me want to stop and make sure I'm aware of it all. I really think that every once in a while you just need to go through a "shedding of your skin" kind of catharsis to stay healthy and present in your own life, and that's what I feel I'm doing right now.

First of all, I feel I must clarify that in NO WAY SHAPE, OR FORM does this have to do with that Beyoncé business and all the media surrounding the weight she lost doing this cleanse. If you knew me at all in real life, you would know I find her more and more unappealing as a person as time continues. So that's not an influential factor. I was, however, intrigued by Denise's journey through this as well as several others, and how they approached this spiritually and emotionally.

I will be posting at the end of each of these 10 days to give you a breakdown of how I've done so far, if you want to follow along and see how it goes. I can already tell it's going to take so much discipline, as I freaked out last night and ate the rest of the cookies we made the other day and this morning I popped out of bed saying, "you know what, I don't think I want to do this! I don't need to do this!", after making our special trip to Wild Oats yesterday for all of the ingredients. You start each morning with a salt water flush (which you drink), and let's just say I cried.

Master Cleanse, Day 1:

• The Salt Water Flush Sucks. You have to drink 32 ounces (1 quart). THIRTY-TWO, which is like 4 glasses of water. First thing in the morning, and all at once. I got to about 4 ounces and felt like I was going to gag. It was so hard! I told The Husband that I was done; I couldn't do this. I watched the Sia video to try to focus on something other than how disgusted I was. When I finally finished, I just started crying because it was so physically and emotionally difficult.
  
• Pain. Pain, pain, pain. Very sharp pains in my stomach.
  
• The Husband says maybe I got the wrong sea salt. He goes to two stores to ensure that I have non-iodized salt, because he felt so bad for me and wasn't completely convinced the salt we got yesterday is, since it doesn't specifically say so on the container.
  
• Um, salt water came out, so to speak. I guess the way it was supposed to. Felt instantly better.
  
• Made lemon drink and liked it! What a relief.
  
• Still drinking, supposed to have around 8-10 glasses worth a day.
  
• Husband bought 20 more lemons today. It takes about 5 a day in the drink mixture.
  
• Am already feeling anxiety over tomorrow's salt water.

What am I hoping to gain from this? Well, I'm hoping to break past some of the limits I've bound myself with lately professionally, creatively, and physically. I want to try to work through any residual negative emotions and/or anxiety I've held onto regarding when we will have children, what steps I want to take in my life, and how I want to take care of myself in all ways. I also want to gain the strength of knowing that I can resist the crutch of munching on food when I'm bored, stressed or sad. I want to be very thoughtful and meditative, and gather my focus. I have felt like I see sluggishness and dullness in my ever-puffy eyes lately, and I am looking forward to seeing health and strength in them instead!

Okay, are you ready? Because I am so freaking nervous. I LOVE FOOD. It's one of my favorite luxuries, it's what I like to comfort myself with on cold days like these, and I'm going to be bombarded with Christmas smells and images of food these coming days. PLUS, I can't seem to stop watching the Food Network Christmas specials! I just have to keep in mind this is only 10 days of my entire life. And by Christmas, I will be able to enjoy some of it just fine.

OH! And The Husband will be gone about 10 days out of the next two weeks. So I'll be alone for a large part of this as well. Fantastic. Here I go...

Some Things Friday #64: Feeling Depressed About Love Edition

Some Things I Love:

1. Exploring
   
2. Affection
   
3. Laughter
   
4. Intimacy
   
5. Playfulness

Some Things I Hate:

1. Living to work, but forgetting to live
   
2. Angry emails
   
3. The silent treatment
   
4. Assumptions
   
5. Lack of awareness

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Resistance to joy
   
2. Settling for numbness
   
3. Forgetting the value of a happy memory
   
4. Ignoring life's possibilities
   
5. Not having the desire to make it better

Half-Week Haiku 21: Appreciate Them, Big and Small

This morning I could have lost both of my grandparents.

They were one intersection away from home on a country road, when someone at the crossing stop sign continued because he didn't see them coming. They were sideswiped, rolled into the nearby ditch, and thankfully there were people there (including the young man who hit them) to help get them out and call the paramedics.

I know, not funny, right?

When I heard about it at around 12:45 today, I thought instantly: "What do I do if they're both gone?"...it's a spontaneous feeling, isn't it? When you hear that someone you love is in trouble? And it's horrible. Knocks the wind out of you for a moment...or longer...

So for this week's haiku, I'm just not feeling as sarcastic as usual. Contemplative maybe, and a little bit grateful...because they are okay, somehow managing to get out with only some bumps and scrapes for my grandma (and a fractured heel from her slamming the brake pedal), and a broken rib for my grandpa, but no other major injuries to speak of. And you see, my grandparents aren't what I'd consider "typical" for someone my age...they're pretty young (70 and just under) and they've always been "young" to me. So in my mind, they should stick around to see my kids (whenever the hell THAT happens *coughnevercough*), you know?

I guess that's part of the human condition...to go into a lull of naiveté about how impermanent everything really is - at least in this world. So it takes something jarring to bring your tiny human brain back to understanding the hugeness of that idea. And that is why this week the haiku subject is this: What in your life are you appreciating today?

As usual, I'll start -
husband, dogs, and cat
i'll take them, rank smells and all
the hugs are worth it

OR...
simplest thing, really
evening tv on the couch
while the dryer hums